a dozen broken friendships

Aren't promises for keeps and not meant to be broken? Sadly, things happen on contrary. For the most part in any relationship no matter how you tried to patch it up, work it out, make the most of it suddenly it wasn't feel right. You will just know the feeling that there's something going on and out of the blue that someone walks away.



The same way happen to friendships that suddenly blooms in your circle of friends. There are times when it seems like you have nothing to fear because finally there is someone who took all the guts to stand up and fight for you. Someone who appreciate you as a person and accepted you even the darkest of all the skeletons in your closet.

If I could summed up all the friendships I made in this lifetime I can say that I really tried though I've never been an open book to anyone. It's not that I didn't trust anybody. I tried to believe that people in general that comes on our way serves something on purpose. Somehow, they are like gifts I learned to treasure on the same purpose that how often I wish they will stay forever here on my side.

But at the end of it all you only got yourself to depend on. There's no use in wasting all your time pondering why things happen and suddenly it all started out to shutdown the life you had already established socially. Life should never stop from where you're at.

Life is strange at times.

Sometimes, you never know what people want these days.

A lasting friendship in need or in deed?

Monday Wa-Fi

Broadband as in no broader connection! Is that what it stands for? Geez! It is giving me so much crap these days. Pretty much my so-called “jobs” are all online so why I have to be the one to suffer this loss of connectivity.

I’ve been writing paid articles for almost a year now believe it or not. I’ve written a bunch out there. Some are a bunch of rubbish and some are quite good (to what I call) for my own pleasure. Well, some find it informative and others find it very elementary. That’s okay.

That is why I can see the greater demands of Wi-fi… as in wireless LAN! Just imagine what if every street in Manila there’s a wi-fi… Wow, it’s going to be much expensive. Anyway, forget all my qualms… I’m not pointing fingers here. It just boils into one thing, I hate things messing up. I don’t know why. Uhhmmm...

I think I’m becoming very much an obsessive compulsive checking my mail, dashboard freak, holding this old cranky laptop.. I don't know. I just love how things going on my way.

I remember how I used to cram every time these time of the week arrives and I end up dreaming it would be Friday again. I don't know. I just feel lost sitting between the whole crowd of people my age.. Like I always use to up today. I always thought I was different. That's one thing, I'm sure.

This is a pretty mixed up world I'm living in. You live, you learn! Yeah, yeah.. Coming from an Alanis Morisette song in the mid 90's I just love that angry sound chick. She sounds very angry at that time... But I don't think so. No being angry is outdated now. I think she's being so emo. Anyway..

When you are about to start your week its a good thing you have to start it in a good vibe for the whole weekdays to be followed. It is something I heard from older generation.. Why not? We all deserve a good week days. We can make it. Be productive. Say what you want to say. Do what you want to do. Start it right.

Of course, it should start first in yourself.. Oh, gosh. Talking about yourself to feel good.. here's 50 good things about me: (shhhh, just don't tell anyone I know)

1.) I don't sleep with my eyes fully shut.
2.) I can sleep both with lights on and off.
3.) When I was in 2nd grade I won in a Spelling Bee and I remember I spelled "w-e-a-t-h-e-r" and I was the only one got it right.
4.) I can type even without looking at the keys on my keyboard like a speed of marching ants.
5.) I don't easily get a joke.
6.) I'm more like a cat lover. But I don't want to be away with my dogs especially my only one best friend "Inno".
7.) I can stand listening to classical.. Like songs in the birth of my parents. Best year songs ever made!
8. I can't easily sleep unless I condition my mind to sleep.
9. I'm an obsessive compulsive dashboard checker.. I know you all do.
10. I love being spiritual rather being religious. Spiritual in a sense I have something to reserve for myself because I don't want to be shun I usually does speak my mind because that's how God made us with free-will to choose.
11. Yeah, I love to chat most of the time.. I'm usually very much a timid speaker in person.. I love having a few small conversation and okay meeting people as well.
12. I don't celebrate Christmas, birthdays, any non biblical based celebration. But I love receiving gifts at times. Don't hesitate! :)
13. I got a lot of phobias. I'm a self-confessed agoraphobic.. basically, the fear of being left out in an unfamiliar places or leaving home. Ewww.. Feels like I want to cry.
14. I love watching Asian chick flicks. Though not the romantic side but on the characters.. come on, I am Asian.
15. I'm not afraid in ghost or supernatural.
16. I have a natural straight black jet hair but when I get a little older it started to get wavy and curly.. oh, gosh. It's hard to maintained so I just got Rebonded.
17. I use to scratch my head when I feel so uneasy or well just answering questions.. like right now. See?
18. My mom use to be my English adviser when I was in 4th grade in elementary.
19. I'm easily bugged with what other people say.
20. I usually wear PJ's while working on my Squidoo pages.. Aren't they a nice work suit?
21. I am easily get caught up when telling a lie. I can't hide my evil smile.. I don't know. It appears.
22. I'm really working hard for my dream mac laptop.
23. I think I am more a twitter user than before because I am more wiser now.
24. I can speak and write fluently in Tagalog.
25. I am using more my Right Brain because I'm a word nerd.
26. My favorite meal almost everyday is rice.
27. I've never experience to sleep in a luxurious hotel.
28. I undergone three major surgeries in my two lower extremities: 2 feet and 2 knees. The first one in 2002. The second one in 2006. The recent is just this year.
29. I have two dearly love younger sisters named Natalie Angela and Neriza. Our names started in letter N after my mom's name.
30. I love drinking Lingzhi coffee at late hours.
31. I'm a Psychology undergrad.
32. About to plan my next cyber-crime as an international spy or maybe I'm your number one stalker you never know.
33. I went to see Twilight. Oh, Edward. I'm always fascinated by vampires stories ever since I read Anne Rice's novels.
34. I can't play any instrument.
35. Sometimes I feel like talking nonsense just for the fun of it.
36. I realize that "how are you?" is an overrated question to ask. How can you say you are okay if you are not.
37. I have a fear of losing a loved-one.
38. I do counting sheeps just to fall asleep.
39. Sometimes I really cried so hard.
40. I have a habit over-thinking it helps me to stressed out what is inside.
41. Obviously, I spend much time in the internet.
42. I'm a bookworm since birth.. The first Disney book I read is "Pinocchio" and of course "My Book of Bible Stories".
43. My favorite Bible verse is Revelation 21:4.
44. I hate gibberish numbers. So, I hate math!
45. What else? I live in Asia. Somewhere here in the Philippines to a city called "Caloocan".
46. I don't usually talk much in person.
47. I have my own world at times.
48. I'm different. I'm special.
49. I love Squidooing most of the time!
50. Yehey, and most of all I am a Giant Squid.

Note to Readers!

As much as possible I'm trying to be a little more upbeat though with all these weather jazz makes me feel sick all over again. But, I wouldn't let it stop me. Promise! No more too emotional posts this time. I've been all the way through these things all over again and there some stuff I could never change no matter what I do. If things will still work out I'll be posting some thoughts on these blog about whatever. Let's just call it "randomize" from a scatterbrained. I was browsing through some past entries on my previous blogs somehow it paved a way some sort of a healing process for me. This is my journey. This is my battle -- I've been sticking for almost like years now.

I have no intention to change anything what I have started. I think this is great about blogging you have the chance retrieve everything you have put into what you have written and later on, disregard it. I am telling you, it really makes you feel better as the time goes by. You wouldn't know who in the world can get into your page who knows you might encrypt a deeper impact. I just beg your pardon on errors you'll find in my part if it either be my opinions(agree or disagree?), perspective, spelling, grammar or whatever that is! Please don't condemn me...

Share your thoughts. Don't be afraid. Let's live life.

Thanks to you (whoever reading this blog right now). Now it is my pleasure.

major financial sabotage, oh well!

As I am typing this post for the umpteenth time I'm continually wishing for this cranky laptop not to shutdown. I really feel helpless as my mind swirling around for ideas I haven't come up with anything fabulous at this hour because I badly needed it. I know, how much this dumb machine means to me -- like "this is my life right now" and it always will.. Thank you Mr. Cooler! For those who haven't knew who Mr. Cooler is.. It's the guy underneath every laptop which enable to cool off laptops. Well, that's explain it under my own assertive knowledge and the best of my ability. So, what's with the way I talk today. Nothing. Period. I always talked this way though not so obvious.

Oh, well what can I do. The money that I earned in for a year went out in the drain for some reasons I allowed it half-heartedly. I really didn't expect how in the world I will regret it in the end of it all. Here I am feeling miserable using this CRAP! It crash down every single minute.. and it easily heats up and I really do need PATIENCE! How the heck I'm gonna earn it all within a month? I just don't like to be dependent to anyone for providing a replacement. DARN! Sorry I'm really pissed off. But that is all words. After all, it much better to ramble it here than all of a sudden I explode. There it soothes me. Finally I can breathe again. Shhh Shhh

Everything is a matter of timing. I felt so unsure how things will work out with some of the issues unfortunately surrounding me.. No, "unfortunately" is not a proper word. Is there a word much pathetic than that? I'm not like that. Though I often sound like I'm the worst in the world. Not really. No matter how life treated me I see to it I had the soundest laugh in the morning. The worst part of existence is merely a matter you have to deal with if you have no choice. So, I'm still the grandest thing, ever!

mind over matter

Do I heard myself right? Darn! I'm a little off the whole week for being sick and feeling miserable every time I get up on my chair. Hopefully, I'm getting better soon as soon as this weekend ends. I don't know. I can't barely sleep too.

I am easily distracted by so many things nowadays whether I ignore it or not. These days I'm having a hard time to make up a good point and to stand by through it no matter what. Though, I really tried to see things in a more wider perspective that somehow I am able to send the message across without having any offense to anyone especially those close to my heart.

For so many times I dreadfully dreaded to live forever in the shadow of this fear that I didn't even try myself to express, reached out and to feel any kind of emotion. I am not afraid to be single out because I've been there for so long. On top of it all, you cannot please people all the time like these barriers you can't always expect to win.

No, I never see it a downfall in anyway or if it was just let it all out. Don't let anyone shut you down from being yourself just for the sake of making a stand even if you're the last one standing. Let it go. Breathe. Just breathe. Sometimes, you all have to do is to break the ice. Don't stay to the norms get out of your shell.

You'll never know you might touch a life and people realize how you really meant it not to hurt them. That's what I do. I am continually asking for that strength to endure every time these moment comes when everything is so hard to bear. We all have that barriers. Sometimes, barriers are self-imposed after all you can't do anything but just to live with it.

Any weekend barriers?

overdue blog

A LONG OVERDUE COLD SYNDROME strikes on me again. I hate when these things ruin your day as I've been taking Decolgen for nasal congestion and sore throat. The minimal uneasiness eventually subsides as I'm getting to use these abrupt change of weather. Though I am feeling a lot better now. I regretted that I didn't write for the reason I am not at my best. So, this makes it a far overdue blog too.

No, I haven't turning away or anything. It just happened that the three days over the weekends are very much exhausting for me. However, it is so great to spending some time with a few good people just for a change of my typical routine. And I loved it! Of course, I didn't forgot the District Convention Theme: Guided By the Holy Spirit - which is much earlier this year. The newly baptised went up to 141. The new release of literature makes it also exciting for us. I just can't believe the answers I've been reading at my hands. It's the same answers for questions left me puzzled wary for so many days, months now. Pretty much the symposium tackles everything I never imagine myself missing it if I didn't make it until the last day. The last day was quite hard for me I've been sick the early morning of preparation until I calm myself if I really can make it that day.

I am glad I've been surrounded by a lot supportive people who never gets tired of me. Just as this year, I realize how things can quickly changed by circumstances in one or another no matter how we chose it to be or not to be. But, as I heard: Make the Truth as your own... like how Jehovah love us first..

After the assembly, a sister friend dropped me and my sister at home.. It feels good and grateful that I'm still there.. Sitting in that corner, though there are certain things change.. I don't know.

Goodbye, Bestfriend Goldie!

Now, I just realize I'm not been twittering for almost two days or even blogging as if I've been going somewhere... NOPE! Never I could imagine. Sometimes, how frustrating it is if you are not even close to what you are supposed to be doing. I'm in and out of my regular routine in the past few days.. It feels like all the side tracks of life eventually having it's toll on me. Have you ever felt like you just had enough? Just like the plain simple "enough is enough." Sadly, I am.

Yesterday, we said goodbye to my oldest cat Marigold or Goldie.. We have her for almost 4 years now in and outdoor. Well.. four years that makes it about 32 years old in human years. It feels like I've lost a best friend, a great friend although sometimes she isn't that sweet because she doesn't like to be hugged at all times. I can't count how many fish she stole on my plate.. Verrrry pesky! Awww, I will miss feeding you in the morning, tomorrow!

...And then there's 4 cats left.

random musings

So many things still going on in my head right now can't find its way out. It is some sort of a feeling I tend to disregard for a couple of times. It pushes me away into a limit of something I didn't expected. There are things I should have learned to live from now on and I'm pretty sure it's not going to be easy after all the things are said and done. I'm tired. I'm restless as I can ever be. I'm freaking out with every little things as far as I'm concern. I'm totally out of the loop. Pretty much I'm a bit of everything. This emotional blackmail continues to unravel until it is taking it's toll on me. No. I'm not even giving up and I'm not even halfway through this journey.

Everything is just actually starting ever since I wake up. How can you be fully awake when you're actually not even asleep? How can you forget the things you really want to forget? How can you make a move when you haven't cross the line? How can you say you know me but you haven't see me? How can you say you'll be there if you haven't been here? How can you talk when you can't say nothing at all? How can it stop when it's actually just starting? How can I finish when I haven't been started? How can I let go when it's not yet fully over?

Complexities mostly come up to me everyday. It goes and it goes like a myriad sets of patterns and questions people often don't care of answering. Sometimes, it doesn't make sense to them. That's why they don't care. Good times.

So, what's on your bucket list?

...Today is a different day. No arguing or whatsoever. People often argue with a lot of logical and possible reason and I’m tired of arguments and I’m tired of arguing back. In a worst case scenario, I often found myself kept everything shut and even unresolved. Lately I realize that there is no easy way out in an argument on whose side you can win or lose. It is something I really don’t need to do just to convince myself that I have to fit in into a mold.. I don’t know.

All I want to do right now is to live for the moment. Leave the trace of the issue behind. Don’t sweat for the little things that can add up to lose my own composure to withstand the on going pressure of everyday life. So, what about writing my own version of bucket list? Have you seen the movie with the same name? I just thought of that this morning while pondering how circumstance changes everything lately. Could it be for better or for worse? Another sour-grape or am I just procrastinating?

Here you go! Please don’t tell anyone even my mom! So, here are my lists of the things I want to do before I die, if I only got one day to live, feed the cats, nor kick the bucket. Just don’t take things so seriously! It’s all for now in random order..


1) Carpe Diem, as Horace said.

2) Write a letter to friends, family, relatives, enemies, and strangers who I meet in this lifetime.

3) Learn more foreign language.

4) Travel to Arcidosso

5) Visit Louvre to see the Mona Lisa.

6) Go on a Safari

7) Update this blog regularly no matter how boring the day went was for me.

8) Compose a song.

9) Hug and tell my mom I love her!

10) Taste kopi luwak.

11) Learn archery.

12) Bungee jump.

13) Jump on a cliff.

14) Ride a horse.

15) Scream up to the top of my lungs.

16) Ride a carousel

17) Watch the sunset.

18) Go on mountain climbing

19) A walk on a seashore

20) Write a book, novel or any piece of literature.

21) Put up a sanctuary for animals like dogs and cats.

22) Write a movie script.

23) A party, or gathering with all the people who love me.

24) Tell my dad all the things I never have the chance to.

25) Go in an orchard.

26) Eat exotic food.

27) Go on fishing.

28) Watch a movie.

29) Learn how to use more a cell phone.

30) Create my own website.

Trojans is a virus not a horse! Ah

Acck! At last the Thursday evening spree with the cousins end. I just thought I'll be able to sleep easily the way I wanted to but it never happened so my last resort is to blog. The day is pretty much as the usual musings in the house, feeding the cats and the dogs, updating lenses from time to time, catching up with the Olympics on TV, scanning all my files to check if there's any trace of a virus in the system and I was right. I found out that the 24 files in my system are infected by malwares, trojans and other forms of encrypted code viruses usually pops up from opening different sites. I don't know. This sort of thing is really time consuming and pretty much exhausting to death. I am becoming a virus freak nowadays. Wishing that this laptop I'm using will not give up! It is still my all time favorite gadget in the world. Yeh!

Yesterday, it rain the whole day. The classes are suspended so another lists in a lot of unexpected Filipino holiday. That is why because of the tropical storm I'm a bit disappointed with our internet connection here. I'm a having a hard time to connect and update Squidoo lens as a part of a hobby and a job I do online. My life right now is pretty much the same. Nothing much loud to talk about. I'm feeling okay in regards to some friends who might be so worried about me. I'm trying to take things one step at a time. As much as possible, I'm trying to divert my time only on positive things rather than focusing on thinking too much because I have the tendency to lose all the passion in my everyday life. That's why I'm very much thankful with the turn out of things in my own small little ways. Sometimes, the more you enjoy the simpler things, it's the more it brings you happiness, it's the more it light up your face.

It's all for now. Where am I?

We shall see on my next post.

Aphorisms from Tuesdays With Morrie

* There are some mornings when I cry and cry and mourn for myself. Some mornings I'm so angry and bitter. But it doesn't too long. Then I get up and say, "I want to live..."

* Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do. Accept the past as past, without denying it or discarding it. Learn to forgive yourself and to forgive others. Don't assume that's its too late to get involved.

* Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling...

* The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it.

* So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-sleep, even they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing down the wrong things.

* Dying is only one thing to be sad over. Living unhappily is something else.

* Love each other or perish.

* Forgive yourself before you die. Then forgive others.

* The tension of opposite? Life is a series of back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted...

Inspired by a True Friend

I was caught by a lot of whirlwinds in my life to the point where I started to lose all the passion in everyday life maybe because it’s my fault to let in the negative facets of thinking. It is somewhat a transition period which I know it could make or break me in the end. I experience how to be idle and useless in everywhere I turn my head into. Let me call it the joy and finding the comfort in myself that I was still the person I wanted to become in the first place. I must tell you “no one or nothing can ever make you less as a person if you allow others made that to you.”

We all have that innate ability as a defense mechanism or whatever you may call it to gather strength from our weaknesses, turning negatives into positive way of thinking and even in the midst of a failed love; love therefore never cease. It goes back to where it truly belongs because at least you didn’t regret that you love that certain person though you’re not expecting something in return. The same goes with life as a back and forth process like a cycle you must learn to accept no matter how irritating the day went was…

But here’s a thing, when you started to count how people can easily walk into your life, make a great impact until you will never be the same again and walk out all of a sudden; that’s how you started to frown like what they say you tend to lose your sense of sensitivity knowing that people change in a just a matter of a lifetime whether you like it or not. I know not everyone will agree with me it’s in how you see things well for the most part watched your thoughts for they will become your actions. I am not saying all that in a selfish manner that most of your life you have to stick and depend yourself to others especially when it’s a dearest friend in a way you almost forgot that they have the life of its own. Still, if you planted the seeds of love and friendships in a stable ground it will stay there in the open going strong despite all the storms… It’s an investment; anyway better make the most of it!

“If I . . . do not have love,”I have become a sounding piece of brass or a clashing cymbal.”

-Apostle Paul (1 Corinthians 13:1)

diary of a self-confessed bummer

The heck with it! I can tirelessly count in my fingers for how so many months and in so many nights now I'm becoming a midnight owl who can't sleep in closed eyes and without thinking thoughts. Its not that I intend my mind to be preoccuppied with the whole bunch of crap these days. You wouldn't know when mystical ideas strike especially in midnight hours so instead of getting my pen and paper I just got up to write everything that I care or careless. Let's just say I am in the zone of my stream of consciousness so whether you like it or not... Here I am!

It seems that there's a part of me who wants to let go from all these vulnerabilities starting to take its toll on me. This sickening everyday routine of mine is my life since the day I was born. I might sound complaining but I can do nothing just to stop and stare as the passing of the day comes inevitably. How I wish I could go somewhere in any place I would love to and that would be great! Well, I just missed certain people, taking vacations in anywhere else with the old group which I don't know their whereabouts in my life right now. I don't know. For the most part, it feels like I am living for the sake of being alive though don't be mistaken that I am not grateful for whatever I am or I was right now. There are days when its getting harder for me cope up with that strange feeling of emptiness or should I say being left out. It's not about all about my negativities because maybe I shared a lot of my shortcomings too for not being open and incapable of adapting myself to the changes each person goes through. I am caught between this level of limitation that hinders me to do whatever this life has to offer. So far, I am still here and it only means one thing that I can carry on all through these years! How about that?!

Imagine, you had knew me for almost two years in this blog which is by the way the only stuff that I knew I could be heard and not to be single out in positive way. This platform could be much more different than having know and see each person face to face. It would be so overwhelming to witness each and everyone of your reactions and emotions that is so hard to do behind this dumb computer. For two years of writing about my thoughts in either way it was such an incredible feeling in my part to share some of my lingering thoughts that could be so heartbreaking a lot of times. I don't know. There are certain things that is so hard to explain inside this useless and unstable mind. I am just so thankful for the message of encouragement you had sent across like what I said it kept me grounded all through these times! Believe it or not.

I am very much the sane person you wouldn't believe that I am these days. I love how my crankiness eventually subsides (does it have to do with the hair? I just heard my sister say that!) maybe yes and maybe not. Not really. I think nowadays is somehow its now time for acceptance for whatever the future holds. I just want to move forward in a way that I am still holding things slowly one day at a time. I can see nothing wrong with that. There's gotta be more to life better than this like some of you always said. Things might not be great at times but I know I am getting there to the point I can now see in a more clearer perspectives. Its really hard to stay in one corner which all you can think of is how much you are suffering with the pain and angst of something you have the power to change. I'm not saying that its so easy and there a lot of times I am the victim of my own pride and eccentricities. That's the most miserable thing that I did in my entire life! So, I told myself... Get up and have a life!

Who said that life is meant to live never without pain. Somehow, it makes all the story being much exciting and I can't add more to that. The funny thing about these days I am surrounded by so many broken people which I really don't know how to mend their broken hearts. I know, these things are a bit off topic here. They speak to me everything how painful it is to fall in love which I can't well relate to their absurdities plus all the "broken" stories in life in general thats why I often wonder as if I came from outer space. I really don't know what to say. I just want to share that because that's how my day went well. I really tried to put up that strong face like a friend who can easily advice but who can't still hold on away with something inside. I don't know.
I admit I am not the perfect person to seek for these kind of advice. Isn't those people who fall in love intend to be irrational? Or they just ignoring the real truth that there's no such thing as perfect relationship nor prince charming is just in fairy tales? So, why do people falling in love still? I don't know. Errr I really don't know how to end this piece! As the rain stopped yesterday morning, I went outside and do some couple of walks which I am feeling a lot more better now. Just an update, they removed the casts in my foot already. It seems that my foot can now breathe finally. I am loving my new shoes that I am wearing you can see a couple of bruises still. But, I'm fine. Thank you! It would take me still a couple of exercise to bring back some strength and healed the swelling stitches underneath. I love taking pictures of my feet these days! I don't know. Well, its just me with all the craziness desperately. I really like a bit of rainy days. The tropical rain gives some sort of relaxation for me well for those crazy bum like me I can do nothing about it. Some days are like a madness that eventually stays and go likewise my mood swings that intertwine for how many years now.

I just started a new literary reading about the art of writing. In days like this when people seems out of nowhere to be found I really tried my best to keep myself busy. Its so great to read all kinds of works from genre fiction to nonfiction. I am so fascinated to learn new things everyday. Plus there's this online business which it keeps me from brainstorming for almost everyday. This month Google traffics are so good to me mostly in all kinds of search engines from Yahoo to AOL. I am just hoping that I am still doing the right thing. Surprisingly, the most marketable topics for me are mostly about food and cooking even though I'm not so so good in that department. This time of the year is the most exciting part compare to last year which I am just starting to find my way so to speak.

None of my family knew that I am keeping blogs or writing stuff online never in my entire life would I imagine them reading my stuff. Well, there are some. I don't know. I am a bit bugged that they might not believe me or well I'd just keep it to myself. As I am sitting here I just can't help it to be thankful for all the blessings that Jehovah always gave in those times when I felt that everything I do is not enough. I always feel unworthy in his eyes because I know there are things I could do a lot more because of this stupid disease. But he doesn't ask for anything more than I can do rather He sees me as a person as a capable of doing a lot of possible things. Like what I am always wishing somehow and hopefully I can see myself the way Jehovah sees me, the way my mother sees me, the way my loved-ones sees me. For so many times I'm afraid that I am not be able to let them feel that I care which I totally I don't want to regret in the end. I did cared it's just that there are some circumstances that I really don't know how. There are those who are out of my reached though I am continually reaching at the other end. Hoping somehow our roads finally will crossed again in a more better situation than this. Never mind!

What else? When I said I am a totally bum I really mean it. I read. I online. I write. I eat. I sleep. That is pretty much my job almost eeeveryday!

Are you being so EMO?

Ano? Nagpapaka-EMO ka na naman?

Probably at this time.

I actually tend to be so emotional at times. I can't see nothing wrong with that. I bawl. I cry like a baby. Maybe that's the reason why I'm still here and maintain that level of sanity I have today. For the most part it was so hard to fight back all the rage of immaturity and angst that we might have gone through when we faced a lot of uncertainties. Nobody said it would be easy to mend a broken heart or just to equate the rejection in some point in our lives as if it never happened. I don't know. Let's face it. Often, the truth hurts.

Well, I really don't classify myself as that all-know-how when it comes to all these EMO stuff though I have a lot of friends. But we know that its always associated in music and fashion as one dressing everything black plus the long fridge bangs hairdo that made the whole town go crazy! I don't wear all blacks and I am not a pure-bred EMO, never in my genes. Though I don't have anything against with people who are used to this kind of lifestyle from head to toe. I think basically its merely an abstract statement as a self-expression that is being suppressed in one way or another.

What's wrong, whats getting you down? Is it something I might have said? You're walking around with your head to the ground and your eyes are watery red. I know you've been through rough times. Kicked around, thrown to the ground but you've always been the strong one So don't tell me that nobody gets you 'cause I'm standing in your corner, knocking at tour door. You don't have to be alone

-excerpt "Shelter" lyrics by Corrinne May

Sabi nga ni Peter Parker sa kaibigan niyang si Harry:

Whatever comes our way, whatever battle is raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us what we are, and we can always choose to do what's right.

Etcetera

This 2am habit of mine became too habitual (no pun intended!). All I can think of right now is very much off-topic. It's just so weird writing your thoughts on how you started your day even though to some finally called it "a day". As usual I started it with a lot of enthusiasm hoping that I'm still doing the right thing. For the most part I live one day at a time. Its so great waking up everyday with a glee feeling that once again I had surpassed another milestone just for the sake of living this life. It may sound as cheesy as it does, I can finally say that I am ALIVE! Its not that I am not feeling really like it so so years ago. Its just that this time it's just so different being alive through the realization that I eventually learned to let go maybe some of the pain and the scars brought by the unexpected turn out of events and circumstance. The heck with it! Isn't life is full of surprises?

But, I must tell you that I hate surprises even though how fun and enjoyable it is. I think it does scares me to think that I might tend to overlooked the other side of things. For so many times, I'm afraid of speaking what's on my mind so far to stand in what you believe is right does cost anything at all. Being in the shadow of other people's expectations can be so grueling and it sucks. And for that reason I missed the fun knowing that even though doing some things doesn't really fun at all, we all deserve to be happy. Happiness is what we are. If we want to be happy is up to us. I believe that it is at this crucial times it must be self-imposed even with a smallest things that you can do your own way. If at the end of the day you haven't heard someone praise your work or the stuff that you do, be thankful still you are on the right track because not everyone's liking it and you have to expect it!



If one day you found yourself questioning God on whatever life leads you to, seize a moment and reflect there might something wrong with you...

I kept on recalling the other day the things I had encountered while on the way to the hospital. We had such a hard time on catching on the ride because some of the TAXI's doesn't want to take us in. That's the problem when you are residing a couple of miles from Metro Manila... People fond of demanding higher pays on all almost anything. As the usual part of the story, A good Samaritan was sent by the heavens and I was very pleased that our travel finally went pretty good. These are our everyday heroes. People who will come to meet us in an unexpected time and place. You have to learn to accept yourself, for what you are and for what you are not. People will try to change you, brainwash you that this is the right thing to do until you finally lost yourself. It shouldn't be that way. Don't let them be the judge. Don't let them take your soul. Your very soul to make a difference into this world. Forgive even the smaller details all the things that you can't hold on into yourselves. They are there for you to gather strengths out from that weaknesses. What if at the end of the day you are feeling unloved and lost? It might be that the physical heart is the most vulnerable part of the human body. We merely exists for the same valid reason that it never skips a beat whether we like it or not. Even in death it kept up its fight, it never cease.

Here's another thing if at the end of the day you haven't heard that someone likes you too, leave it. Again, don't be hard on yourself for creating false hopes and assumptions. You deserve someone much better than that, Moron! Shame on him! After all, you have nothing lose. The only thing that could be so hard is putting on that shoes everyday, walking around gazillion bunch of people all eyes on you as if everything is alright and you manage to make a laugh to patch the other side of you tearing apart. Remember, this world is a world of made-pretend better wear the toughest skin you can ever be. Sometimes, it's so easy to give these advices rather than to be the one seeking because not a quarter you can ever understand nor took the hurt just what that person going through not until you yourself goes through with it...


Therefore we do not give up, but even if the man we are outside is wasting away, certainly the man we are inside is being renewed from day to day. For though the tribulation is momentary and light, it works out for us a glory that is of more and more surpassing weight and is everlasting; while we keep our eyes, not on the things seen, but on the things unseen. For the things seen are temporary, but the things unseen are everlasting... 2 Cor. 4:16-18

In waiting it takes a lot of PAIN...

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it. - (says Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy)

Everything happens so fast, I just can't believe I'm finally at home sitting here in bed and still vulnerable in pain. I'm glad that all the errands of the day are past. All I'm up for right now is to wait and anticipate that sooner these things will be over. To me, it has always been another journey of a never ending battles towards life in either way you chose to be.

I'm doing alright and the problem with taking two kinds of (painkillers & antibiotics) meds three times a day it mostly can put you to sleep. I don't know to some cases but I do. Waking up this afternoon is really a big deal. I hate being back again to these stage again when it seems like I had my first operation where I had to start from scratch. But the good thing is that the right leg is the only operated part which is something to be thankful for, meaning one is enough.

I don't know how to gather all my thoughts lately. When I arrived last Sunday afternoon, I was thinking of writing some blogs so that I can still remembered all the things I have to say and there I never made it. I actually don't have any idea on what was waiting for us in the hospital visit last time but I know this is what I'm anticipating for. I was there almost half hour of the day and we did nothing but to wait. I waited for my X-rays, waited to be scaled because I haven’t scaled for almost two years now, waited to get the needle to my veins for IV fluids (nahirapan ang mga nurse kasi hindi daw makita ugat ko sa kamay, natatakpan daw ng taba).. What else? I was watching my mom sitting at the corner of the x-ray room and I was a mile inch away from her I was somewhat giggly told her, Look, Ma… We made it again and three times in a row pa… It’s just one of those stares that I will treasure the most ‘coz we just know what we are feeling even in just staring with our eyes. I haven’t told her that yet. I don’t know…

At the same as I am writing this entry, I can still recall those two years ago which is the exact time of the year when I've gone through my second surgery that leaves me in a total bum for a couple of months. In those months, I learned to enjoy every single day without leaving my solitary confinement, from time to time the friendly visits and since I became a college drop-out at that time I just thought to find a way where I can be heard through writing which is I finally achieved that in blogging my thoughts and that is how I found my spiritual family and friends. Who would have thought that was two years ago? Yeah, when I came to think of it I have waited for almost two years for another medication which is I know would be much physically and financially exhausting.

I don’t know I just missed going to that sober place again contrast to what some people said that it was a scary place. But to me I had grown up going in hospitals which it became a playground to me, very much like a mall or a hotel where I can rest all my worries behind even for just a day. Who said its great place to be? Nobody wants to be hospitalized every now and then?! Well, I have no choice…

When it comes to the nature of my disease is still unknown to many and even the people in the medical field. . It is called "Idiopathic Osteolysis Carpotarsal" which I am diagnosed when I was still a kid which is mainly the reason why it deprived me from doing things I truly loved and enjoyed most like mostly any other kids in my age. Sometimes, I’m getting tired of explaining things when people often see me as naïve and instead of 22 year old I felt that they are treating me like was just 12. All I know is that I have to be checked, observed, and treated once in a while or after every year to see cases if there's some deformities progressing.

That deprivation often leads me to have that a little attitude of crankiness which I really hate to be at all times. I'm actually a very much an active person who don't actually settle in a day without doing something and I myself don't want to be a total bum.

For most of the time, I’m guilty of comparing myself and not having to settle with the thing I can only do and I must say that it hurts me watching other people go on with their lives as if anything is possible.

Having said that I could now accept with all my heart that maybe the cure is not totally can lies on the things that we can see, or what we can felt. It must be the kind of healing that must be inside of us no matter what life has treated us at least to say to ourselves this is what I am settled at the end of the day.

Plus, the hope of that there’s a life better than this. A real life that each and everyone fully deserved to enjoy and live to the fullest of our abilities. I know it will be someday soon…Somehow, you will find me waiting still..

Just In Time

"Tick, tock says the clock"

It's almost past over 12 midnight yet still I can't find that eagerness to sleep or just to close my eyes off into the dream land. My mind had always been preoccupied by so many things going on in my life within these past couple of months. For so many time I really tried at least to assured myself that hopefully everything will be alright. I'm done with all the emotional ride that I've been to that is maybe the reason why I'm still here and at the same time I felt that unconditional love coming from Jehovah though at times I have a lot of shortcomings and to put it bluntly spiritually I was carried by the emotional bumpy ride going on and still going on with the set up of my family. To some people that I know it seems that I used to isolate myself for a couple of times lately which I don't really intent to in the first place. I was never away though it seems that I am I was just taking some time off with everything and holding on to the faith that can never take that away from me.

I am praying for almost every day and every night to Jehovah for the guidance, protection and wisdom not just for myself most especially loved ones too in this crucial times. But be rest assured that I am doing okay and everything still under control in my own perspective. I was supposed to be resting in bed much earlier like what I said to be prepared for my surgery again tomorrow (hoping that this is gonna be the last time, I don't know.) which I never thought will have to be this far. With so many things that going on in the last few days, last few months I am just thankful that my Mom is still the strong woman as she is ever since she had went through a lot of hardships in her marriage. Now I am learning and still learning to understand her everyday on how hard it is she was going through in finding herself worth again and if ever it could be against my will. I know that she know that I love her with all my heart because she has been the best mom in the world. I just want the best for her and not to ruined her personal growth.

...and now she's still again with me in these never ending struggles and battles that I have to go through as a person and as a daughter that is why I feel so blessed that Jehovah made her to be strong for her to be guiding light at times when I feel so weak. I do understand that she has a lot mistakes, bad decisions and shortcomings too but still she chooses me to be part of her plans even though I'm the biggest burden upon her shoulders even though I know it wasn't it that for her. Just recently we always argue on something you know me as being the chronic worrier I'm always after for some clarification and letting her know the outcome like an eldest daughter who-knows-it-all in some instances. Oftentimes, I'm sort of a debater in the family who never wants to lose. Well, it's me and all the crankiness getting over my head. Sorry! Just kidding. She used to told me all her plans for me and my sisters that is so wonderful to hear. I'm just praying for it to work out accordingly and somehow still the wisdom coming from Jehovah must always prevail in every decision she will make if ever one day.

Tomorrow we will be leaving on or before 9am PST. Here you again this a little feeling of uncertainty what if I'll be back to zero again. Well, maybe I'm becoming too emotional which leads me to this chronic anxieties from time to time. I guess, this surgery is very much different now. No, I will not get back to zero again because MD will just removed the surgical steel bars that was in me for so many moons now. It doesn't hurt that much. I totally don't feel any excruciating pain anymore unlike before. I can feel a little numbness and shaky each time but the good thing is that I can walk slowly now. I think I already had adjusted and somehow I gained much strength compare to the 1st and 2nd operation a few years back which I totally started from scratch after 5 or more years being tied up into this chair. This time it will be much different now hopefully. The thing is that I can't really feel an ounce of sleepy-ness in my system and I was just having all my time when I can because tomorrow I have no choice I will be having much rest in bed and can't come online. I just feel so chill getting away my head for so much worrying now.

It will be okay soon. I hope that you will not get tired of me and I have a lot and lots of catching up to do in each and everyone of you. I do miss you all a LOT! and if my voice can be heard from this monitor screen I just wished it came across out to all of you. I will be writing letters soon. Well, a broken promise that I did I'm really sorry. I just didn't mean to keep you hanging. Awww! It does make me a little sad now thinking each and everyone of YOU! I will do my best to get some pictures for you to see my beautiful face, just kidding! I'm really trying to be more upbeat now and when there's no reason to be sometimes. I think I better get off my hands now from typing and shut my big mouth! I just hope I can stand a day without checking my mail or even writing some more blogs and even updating Squidoo lenses. I very much had a routine life and lately I realized it's really hard typing when your head is in between two heavy pillows! I think I'm having a stiff neck!

That's all for now!

Thank you everyone for all the love, encouragement, and support that keeps me grounded in all these times!

(Do I have to mention names? You know all who you are!!!)

Midnight hour glass

"if there's a will... for sure there's a WAY that we can call!"

After long hours of cropping, cutting and pasting... voila! There I already put up my very own blogger header that I should have made even before. I was totally out of the loop when it comes to art, drawing and all of the stuff related. It was so surprising that I really enjoyed it having to discover that it was a fun to do after all in this midnight hours. It seems that at this hour the day has just began for me.

No attempts for writing a Squidoo article right now. No loud issues to talk about primarily about What a boring life! I just heard you say. Everyday is chaotic in a good way I guess. Pretty much a blessing in disguise amidst all the buzz. Sabi nga nila "carry lang ang mga bagay-bagay"... I really do tried to keep it all that way just to blocked everything that most likely can take away my own peace in every second and everyday of this life. It seems that I've always been filled of so many good ideas to do.. Well, I was never out of things to do in a day. It was my way on to keep my perspective in all aspects.

Right in this very moment, I was some sort of brainstorming about a short story that I really love to write but it ends me up writing my blog out of boredom I guess. I think I'm slowly recovered but not totally healed all the injuries, all the wounds and all the pain that unconsciously surrounds me in every step I had went through in the past twenty-two years of my life.

So, my very last resort was to leave everything and aim for that will to choose the more healthier path. I am... I said, there will come a day when I will be through with all this... and somehow I was getting there slowly but surely. I hate to rush things to the way when it was not supposed to happen at the right moment.

Come to think of it, happiness doesn't define you as a person of what you felt, of what you hold, of what you are rather it is a matter of choice that in one way or another we can hardly see in our own very eyes. Sometimes, the more simple and the least things in life are the things can give you uber-joy that is so immeasurable.

But people do grow up. They argue. They do unplanned decision and even up making mistakes. People grew up in different levels and certain degrees but there are some unfortunately who doesn't at all. In any case I still don't know yet where I belong though I can proudly say that I've gone through so many things in life that I never thought I could've surpassed. I learned so many things that it made it possible for me to stand to where I am today and still be the person with a high regards to life's principles.

Minsan nga sa sobra kong attach ko sa lahat ng mga bagay, it seems that the weight of the world in my shoulders. I always had something to say. I always had something to fight. I don't want to take a break. For once in my life, I just don't want to connect and be unattached to anyone or anything and stay away from the norms just to remind myself that though I might end up a little messy and dirty at least I can say that I tried and I learned most of all.

"... I spit on my life. Death in battle would be better for me than, that I, defeated, survive." -Buddha

Wake up call

"You can't always get what you want". - philosopher Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones once said.

I just thought the whole subject is overrated. For how many times we might found ourselves complained about certain things and even about the things we already have. Sometimes, the harder we complain; it gets no easier for us to move on into our lives and see what's on the other side out there that is still waiting for us to explore. Everything is a matter of guts to achieve what we always wanted in the first place. Keep in mind that there is still a big difference between what you always wanted from what you really need.

I know. I know... Look who's talking? Who the hell am I to make proper judgments here for I myself there's still a part of me that I can't still withhold. I'm not saying that I'm right and you are wrong. Everyone is entitled for their opinion so let me just talk. Anyway, it is my blog and I have all the right to say whatever I wanted to say.

Funny though while watching some TV shows this evening, I came across that song of the Rolling Stones, "You can't always get what you want". That is why after hearing that it stuck on my head as I am writing this blog. I knew the song even before I think a couple of years ago. I was really fond of listening to classic rock bands of the 80's, 70's and the cheesy stuff. So, its very timely why not a perfect title for a blog since my last posts has been so many moons now.

Well, I've always been an unpredictable person whenever you came around me. I love the how the randomness of certain things surprise me nor at times it does bores me to death. So, that was what I am into these days living my life with no expectations, no presumptions of what if this is and so far I loving it! I'm done through a lot of disappointments that is why I promise myself that I will not anyone or anything take away my peace! I really mean it.

I'm not broke or whatever. I just feel that you need to know whoever reading this. I don't know. Kaya sa mga heartbroken dyan, don't let the other person ruin your composure on how you are seeing yourself as a person. You deserve more better than her/his and always believe in your guts. No one can take that away from you. Weatherrr... weatherr lang yan!