diary of a self-confessed bummer

The heck with it! I can tirelessly count in my fingers for how so many months and in so many nights now I'm becoming a midnight owl who can't sleep in closed eyes and without thinking thoughts. Its not that I intend my mind to be preoccuppied with the whole bunch of crap these days. You wouldn't know when mystical ideas strike especially in midnight hours so instead of getting my pen and paper I just got up to write everything that I care or careless. Let's just say I am in the zone of my stream of consciousness so whether you like it or not... Here I am!

It seems that there's a part of me who wants to let go from all these vulnerabilities starting to take its toll on me. This sickening everyday routine of mine is my life since the day I was born. I might sound complaining but I can do nothing just to stop and stare as the passing of the day comes inevitably. How I wish I could go somewhere in any place I would love to and that would be great! Well, I just missed certain people, taking vacations in anywhere else with the old group which I don't know their whereabouts in my life right now. I don't know. For the most part, it feels like I am living for the sake of being alive though don't be mistaken that I am not grateful for whatever I am or I was right now. There are days when its getting harder for me cope up with that strange feeling of emptiness or should I say being left out. It's not about all about my negativities because maybe I shared a lot of my shortcomings too for not being open and incapable of adapting myself to the changes each person goes through. I am caught between this level of limitation that hinders me to do whatever this life has to offer. So far, I am still here and it only means one thing that I can carry on all through these years! How about that?!

Imagine, you had knew me for almost two years in this blog which is by the way the only stuff that I knew I could be heard and not to be single out in positive way. This platform could be much more different than having know and see each person face to face. It would be so overwhelming to witness each and everyone of your reactions and emotions that is so hard to do behind this dumb computer. For two years of writing about my thoughts in either way it was such an incredible feeling in my part to share some of my lingering thoughts that could be so heartbreaking a lot of times. I don't know. There are certain things that is so hard to explain inside this useless and unstable mind. I am just so thankful for the message of encouragement you had sent across like what I said it kept me grounded all through these times! Believe it or not.

I am very much the sane person you wouldn't believe that I am these days. I love how my crankiness eventually subsides (does it have to do with the hair? I just heard my sister say that!) maybe yes and maybe not. Not really. I think nowadays is somehow its now time for acceptance for whatever the future holds. I just want to move forward in a way that I am still holding things slowly one day at a time. I can see nothing wrong with that. There's gotta be more to life better than this like some of you always said. Things might not be great at times but I know I am getting there to the point I can now see in a more clearer perspectives. Its really hard to stay in one corner which all you can think of is how much you are suffering with the pain and angst of something you have the power to change. I'm not saying that its so easy and there a lot of times I am the victim of my own pride and eccentricities. That's the most miserable thing that I did in my entire life! So, I told myself... Get up and have a life!

Who said that life is meant to live never without pain. Somehow, it makes all the story being much exciting and I can't add more to that. The funny thing about these days I am surrounded by so many broken people which I really don't know how to mend their broken hearts. I know, these things are a bit off topic here. They speak to me everything how painful it is to fall in love which I can't well relate to their absurdities plus all the "broken" stories in life in general thats why I often wonder as if I came from outer space. I really don't know what to say. I just want to share that because that's how my day went well. I really tried to put up that strong face like a friend who can easily advice but who can't still hold on away with something inside. I don't know.
I admit I am not the perfect person to seek for these kind of advice. Isn't those people who fall in love intend to be irrational? Or they just ignoring the real truth that there's no such thing as perfect relationship nor prince charming is just in fairy tales? So, why do people falling in love still? I don't know. Errr I really don't know how to end this piece! As the rain stopped yesterday morning, I went outside and do some couple of walks which I am feeling a lot more better now. Just an update, they removed the casts in my foot already. It seems that my foot can now breathe finally. I am loving my new shoes that I am wearing you can see a couple of bruises still. But, I'm fine. Thank you! It would take me still a couple of exercise to bring back some strength and healed the swelling stitches underneath. I love taking pictures of my feet these days! I don't know. Well, its just me with all the craziness desperately. I really like a bit of rainy days. The tropical rain gives some sort of relaxation for me well for those crazy bum like me I can do nothing about it. Some days are like a madness that eventually stays and go likewise my mood swings that intertwine for how many years now.

I just started a new literary reading about the art of writing. In days like this when people seems out of nowhere to be found I really tried my best to keep myself busy. Its so great to read all kinds of works from genre fiction to nonfiction. I am so fascinated to learn new things everyday. Plus there's this online business which it keeps me from brainstorming for almost everyday. This month Google traffics are so good to me mostly in all kinds of search engines from Yahoo to AOL. I am just hoping that I am still doing the right thing. Surprisingly, the most marketable topics for me are mostly about food and cooking even though I'm not so so good in that department. This time of the year is the most exciting part compare to last year which I am just starting to find my way so to speak.

None of my family knew that I am keeping blogs or writing stuff online never in my entire life would I imagine them reading my stuff. Well, there are some. I don't know. I am a bit bugged that they might not believe me or well I'd just keep it to myself. As I am sitting here I just can't help it to be thankful for all the blessings that Jehovah always gave in those times when I felt that everything I do is not enough. I always feel unworthy in his eyes because I know there are things I could do a lot more because of this stupid disease. But he doesn't ask for anything more than I can do rather He sees me as a person as a capable of doing a lot of possible things. Like what I am always wishing somehow and hopefully I can see myself the way Jehovah sees me, the way my mother sees me, the way my loved-ones sees me. For so many times I'm afraid that I am not be able to let them feel that I care which I totally I don't want to regret in the end. I did cared it's just that there are some circumstances that I really don't know how. There are those who are out of my reached though I am continually reaching at the other end. Hoping somehow our roads finally will crossed again in a more better situation than this. Never mind!

What else? When I said I am a totally bum I really mean it. I read. I online. I write. I eat. I sleep. That is pretty much my job almost eeeveryday!