Aphorisms from Tuesdays With Morrie

* There are some mornings when I cry and cry and mourn for myself. Some mornings I'm so angry and bitter. But it doesn't too long. Then I get up and say, "I want to live..."

* Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do. Accept the past as past, without denying it or discarding it. Learn to forgive yourself and to forgive others. Don't assume that's its too late to get involved.

* Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling...

* The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it.

* So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-sleep, even they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing down the wrong things.

* Dying is only one thing to be sad over. Living unhappily is something else.

* Love each other or perish.

* Forgive yourself before you die. Then forgive others.

* The tension of opposite? Life is a series of back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted...

Inspired by a True Friend

I was caught by a lot of whirlwinds in my life to the point where I started to lose all the passion in everyday life maybe because it’s my fault to let in the negative facets of thinking. It is somewhat a transition period which I know it could make or break me in the end. I experience how to be idle and useless in everywhere I turn my head into. Let me call it the joy and finding the comfort in myself that I was still the person I wanted to become in the first place. I must tell you “no one or nothing can ever make you less as a person if you let others made that to you.”

We all have that innate ability as a defense mechanism or whatever you may call it to gather strength from our weaknesses, turning negatives into positive way of thinking and even in the midst of a failed love; love therefore never cease. It goes back to where it truly belongs because at least you didn’t regret that you love that certain person though you’re not expecting something in return. The same goes with life as a back and forth process like a cycle you must learn to accept no matter how irritating the day went was…

But here’s a thing, when you started to count how people can easily walk into your life, make a great impact until you will never be the same again and walk out all of a sudden; that’s how you started to frown like what they say you tend to lose your sense of sensitivity knowing that people change in a just a matter of a lifetime whether you like it or not. I know not everyone will agree with me it’s in how you see things well for the most part watched your thoughts for they will become your actions. I am not saying all that in a selfish manner that most of your life you have to stick and depend yourself to others especially when it’s a dearest friend in a way you almost forgot that they have the life of its own. Still, if you planted the seeds of love and friendships in a stable ground it will stay there in the open going strong despite all the storms… It’s an investment; anyway better make the most of it!

“If I . . . do not have love,”I have become a sounding piece of brass or a clashing cymbal.”

-Apostle Paul (1 Corinthians 13:1)

diary of a self-confessed bummer

The heck with it! I can tirelessly count in my fingers for how so many months and in so many nights now I'm becoming a midnight owl who can't sleep in closed eyes and without thinking thoughts. Its not that I intend my mind to be preoccuppied with the whole bunch of crap these days. You wouldn't know when mystical ideas strike especially in midnight hours so instead of getting my pen and paper I just got up to write everything that I care or careless. Let's just say I am in the zone of my stream of consciousness so whether you like it or not... Here I am!

It seems that there's a part of me who wants to let go from all these vulnerabilities starting to take its toll on me. This sickening everyday routine of mine is my life since the day I was born. I might sound complaining but I can do nothing just to stop and stare as the passing of the day comes inevitably. How I wish I could go somewhere in any place I would love to and that would be great! Well, I just missed certain people, taking vacations in anywhere else with the old group which I don't know their whereabouts in my life right now. I don't know. For the most part, it feels like I am living for the sake of being alive though don't be mistaken that I am not grateful for whatever I am or I was right now. There are days when its getting harder for me cope up with that strange feeling of emptiness or should I say being left out. It's not about all about my negativities because maybe I shared a lot of my shortcomings too for not being open and incapable of adapting myself to the changes each person goes through. I am caught between this level of limitation that hinders me to do whatever this life has to offer. So far, I am still here and it only means one thing that I can carry on all through these years! How about that?!

Imagine, you had knew me for almost two years in this blog which is by the way the only stuff that I knew I could be heard and not to be single out in positive way. This platform could be much more different than having know and see each person face to face. It would be so overwhelming to witness each and everyone of your reactions and emotions that is so hard to do behind this dumb computer. For two years of writing about my thoughts in either way it was such an incredible feeling in my part to share some of my lingering thoughts that could be so heartbreaking a lot of times. I don't know. There are certain things that is so hard to explain inside this useless and unstable mind. I am just so thankful for the message of encouragement you had sent across like what I said it kept me grounded all through these times! Believe it or not.

I am very much the sane person you wouldn't believe that I am these days. I love how my crankiness eventually subsides (does it have to do with the hair? I just heard my sister say that!) maybe yes and maybe not. Not really. I think nowadays is somehow its now time for acceptance for whatever the future holds. I just want to move forward in a way that I am still holding things slowly one day at a time. I can see nothing wrong with that. There's gotta be more to life better than this like some of you always said. Things might not be great at times but I know I am getting there to the point I can now see in a more clearer perspectives. Its really hard to stay in one corner which all you can think of is how much you are suffering with the pain and angst of something you have the power to change. I'm not saying that its so easy and there a lot of times I am the victim of my own pride and eccentricities. That's the most miserable thing that I did in my entire life! So, I told myself... Get up and have a life!

Who said that life is meant to live never without pain. Somehow, it makes all the story being much exciting and I can't add more to that. The funny thing about these days I am surrounded by so many broken people which I really don't know how to mend their broken hearts. I know, these things are a bit off topic here. They speak to me everything how painful it is to fall in love which I can't well relate to their absurdities plus all the "broken" stories in life in general thats why I often wonder as if I came from outer space. I really don't know what to say. I just want to share that because that's how my day went well. I really tried to put up that strong face like a friend who can easily advice but who can't still hold on away with something inside. I don't know.
I admit I am not the perfect person to seek for these kind of advice. Isn't those people who fall in love intend to be irrational? Or they just ignoring the real truth that there's no such thing as perfect relationship nor prince charming is just in fairy tales? So, why do people falling in love still? I don't know. Errr I really don't know how to end this piece! As the rain stopped yesterday morning, I went outside and do some couple of walks which I am feeling a lot more better now. Just an update, they removed the casts in my foot already. It seems that my foot can now breathe finally. I am loving my new shoes that I am wearing you can see a couple of bruises still. But, I'm fine. Thank you! It would take me still a couple of exercise to bring back some strength and healed the swelling stitches underneath. I love taking pictures of my feet these days! I don't know. Well, its just me with all the craziness desperately. I really like a bit of rainy days. The tropical rain gives some sort of relaxation for me well for those crazy bum like me I can do nothing about it. Some days are like a madness that eventually stays and go likewise my mood swings that intertwine for how many years now.

I just started a new literary reading about the art of writing. In days like this when people seems out of nowhere to be found I really tried my best to keep myself busy. Its so great to read all kinds of works from genre fiction to nonfiction. I am so fascinated to learn new things everyday. Plus there's this online business which it keeps me from brainstorming for almost everyday. This month Google traffics are so good to me mostly in all kinds of search engines from Yahoo to AOL. I am just hoping that I am still doing the right thing. Surprisingly, the most marketable topics for me are mostly about food and cooking even though I'm not so so good in that department. This time of the year is the most exciting part compare to last year which I am just starting to find my way so to speak.

None of my family knew that I am keeping blogs or writing stuff online never in my entire life would I imagine them reading my stuff. Well, there are some. I don't know. I am a bit bugged that they might not believe me or well I'd just keep it to myself. As I am sitting here I just can't help it to be thankful for all the blessings that Jehovah always gave in those times when I felt that everything I do is not enough. I always feel unworthy in his eyes because I know there are things I could do a lot more because of this stupid disease. But he doesn't ask for anything more than I can do rather He sees me as a person as a capable of doing a lot of possible things. Like what I am always wishing somehow and hopefully I can see myself the way Jehovah sees me, the way my mother sees me, the way my loved-ones sees me. For so many times I'm afraid that I am not be able to let them feel that I care which I totally I don't want to regret in the end. I did cared it's just that there are some circumstances that I really don't know how. There are those who are out of my reached though I am continually reaching at the other end. Hoping somehow our roads finally will crossed again in a more better situation than this. Never mind!

What else? When I said I am a totally bum I really mean it. I read. I online. I write. I eat. I sleep. That is pretty much my job almost eeeveryday!

Are you being so EMO?

Ano? Nagpapaka-EMO ka na naman?

Probably at this time.

I actually tend to be so emotional at times. I can't see nothing wrong with that. I bawl. I cry like a baby. Maybe that's the reason why I'm still here and maintain that level of sanity I have today. For the most part it was so hard to fight back all the rage of immaturity and angst that we might have gone through when we faced a lot of uncertainties. Nobody said it would be easy to mend a broken heart or just to equate the rejection in some point in our lives as if it never happened. I don't know. Let's face it. Often, the truth hurts.

Well, I really don't classify myself as that all-know-how when it comes to all these EMO stuff though I have a lot of friends. But we know that its always associated in music and fashion as one dressing everything black plus the long fridge bangs hairdo that made the whole town go crazy! I don't wear all blacks and I am not a pure-bred EMO, never in my genes. Though I don't have anything against with people who are used to this kind of lifestyle from head to toe. I think basically its merely an abstract statement as a self-expression that is being suppressed in one way or another.

What's wrong, whats getting you down? Is it something I might have said? You're walking around with your head to the ground and your eyes are watery red. I know you've been through rough times. Kicked around, thrown to the ground but you've always been the strong one So don't tell me that nobody gets you 'cause I'm standing in your corner, knocking at tour door. You don't have to be alone

-excerpt "Shelter" lyrics by Corrinne May

Sabi nga ni Peter Parker sa kaibigan niyang si Harry:

Whatever comes our way, whatever battle is raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us what we are, and we can always choose to do what's right.

Etcetera

This 2am habit of mine became too habitual (no pun intended!). All I can think of right now is very much off-topic. It's just so weird writing your thoughts on how you started your day even though to some finally called it "a day". As usual I started it with a lot of enthusiasm hoping that I'm still doing the right thing. For the most part I live one day at a time. Its so great waking up everyday with a glee feeling that once again I had surpassed another milestone just for the sake of living this life. It may sound as cheesy as it does, I can finally say that I am ALIVE! Its not that I am not feeling really like it so so years ago. Its just that this time it's just so different being alive through the realization that I eventually learned to let go maybe some of the pain and the scars brought by the unexpected turn out of events and circumstance. The heck with it! Isn't life is full of surprises?

But, I must tell you that I hate surprises even though how fun and enjoyable it is. I think it does scares me to think that I might tend to overlooked the other side of things. For so many times, I'm afraid of speaking what's on my mind so far to stand in what you believe is right does cost anything at all. Being in the shadow of other people's expectations can be so grueling and it sucks. And for that reason I missed the fun knowing that even though doing some things doesn't really fun at all, we all deserve to be happy. Happiness is what we are. If we want to be happy is up to us. I believe that it is at this crucial times it must be self-imposed even with a smallest things that you can do your own way. If at the end of the day you haven't heard someone praise your work or the stuff that you do, be thankful still you are on the right track because not everyone's liking it and you have to expect it!



If one day you found yourself questioning God on whatever life leads you to, seize a moment and reflect there might something wrong with you...

I kept on recalling the other day the things I had encountered while on the way to the hospital. We had such a hard time on catching on the ride because some of the TAXI's doesn't want to take us in. That's the problem when you are residing a couple of miles from Metro Manila... People fond of demanding higher pays on all almost anything. As the usual part of the story, A good Samaritan was sent by the heavens and I was very pleased that our travel finally went pretty good. These are our everyday heroes. People who will come to meet us in an unexpected time and place. You have to learn to accept yourself, for what you are and for what you are not. People will try to change you, brainwash you that this is the right thing to do until you finally lost yourself. It shouldn't be that way. Don't let them be the judge. Don't let them take your soul. Your very soul to make a difference into this world. Forgive even the smaller details all the things that you can't hold on into yourselves. They are there for you to gather strengths out from that weaknesses. What if at the end of the day you are feeling unloved and lost? It might be that the physical heart is the most vulnerable part of the human body. We merely exists for the same valid reason that it never skips a beat whether we like it or not. Even in death it kept up its fight, it never cease.

Here's another thing if at the end of the day you haven't heard that someone likes you too, leave it. Again, don't be hard on yourself for creating false hopes and assumptions. You deserve someone much better than that, Moron! Shame on him! After all, you have nothing lose. The only thing that could be so hard is putting on that shoes everyday, walking around gazillion bunch of people all eyes on you as if everything is alright and you manage to make a laugh to patch the other side of you tearing apart. Remember, this world is a world of made-pretend better wear the toughest skin you can ever be. Sometimes, it's so easy to give these advices rather than to be the one seeking because not a quarter you can ever understand nor took the hurt just what that person going through not until you yourself goes through with it...


Therefore we do not give up, but even if the man we are outside is wasting away, certainly the man we are inside is being renewed from day to day. For though the tribulation is momentary and light, it works out for us a glory that is of more and more surpassing weight and is everlasting; while we keep our eyes, not on the things seen, but on the things unseen. For the things seen are temporary, but the things unseen are everlasting... 2 Cor. 4:16-18

In waiting it takes a lot of PAIN...

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it. - (says Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy)

Everything happens so fast, I just can't believe I'm finally at home sitting here in bed and still vulnerable in pain. I'm glad that all the errands of the day are past. All I'm up for right now is to wait and anticipate that sooner these things will be over. To me, it has always been another journey of a never ending battles towards life in either way you chose to be.

I'm doing alright and the problem with taking two kinds of (painkillers & antibiotics) meds three times a day it mostly can put you to sleep. I don't know to some cases but I do. Waking up this afternoon is really a big deal. I hate being back again to these stage again when it seems like I had my first operation where I had to start from scratch. But the good thing is that the right leg is the only operated part which is something to be thankful for, meaning one is enough.

I don't know how to gather all my thoughts lately. When I arrived last Sunday afternoon, I was thinking of writing some blogs so that I can still remembered all the things I have to say and there I never made it. I actually don't have any idea on what was waiting for us in the hospital visit last time but I know this is what I'm anticipating for. I was there almost half hour of the day and we did nothing but to wait. I waited for my X-rays, waited to be scaled because I haven’t scaled for almost two years now, waited to get the needle to my veins for IV fluids (nahirapan ang mga nurse kasi hindi daw makita ugat ko sa kamay, natatakpan daw ng taba).. What else? I was watching my mom sitting at the corner of the x-ray room and I was a mile inch away from her I was somewhat giggly told her, Look, Ma… We made it again and three times in a row pa… It’s just one of those stares that I will treasure the most ‘coz we just know what we are feeling even in just staring with our eyes. I haven’t told her that yet. I don’t know…

At the same as I am writing this entry, I can still recall those two years ago which is the exact time of the year when I've gone through my second surgery that leaves me in a total bum for a couple of months. In those months, I learned to enjoy every single day without leaving my solitary confinement, from time to time the friendly visits and since I became a college drop-out at that time I just thought to find a way where I can be heard through writing which is I finally achieved that in blogging my thoughts and that is how I found my spiritual family and friends. Who would have thought that was two years ago? Yeah, when I came to think of it I have waited for almost two years for another medication which is I know would be much physically and financially exhausting.

I don’t know I just missed going to that sober place again contrast to what some people said that it was a scary place. But to me I had grown up going in hospitals which it became a playground to me, very much like a mall or a hotel where I can rest all my worries behind even for just a day. Who said its great place to be? Nobody wants to be hospitalized every now and then?! Well, I have no choice…

When it comes to the nature of my disease is still unknown to many and even the people in the medical field. . It is called "Idiopathic Osteolysis Carpotarsal" which I am diagnosed when I was still a kid which is mainly the reason why it deprived me from doing things I truly loved and enjoyed most like mostly any other kids in my age. Sometimes, I’m getting tired of explaining things when people often see me as naïve and instead of 22 year old I felt that they are treating me like was just 12. All I know is that I have to be checked, observed, and treated once in a while or after every year to see cases if there's some deformities progressing.

That deprivation often leads me to have that a little attitude of crankiness which I really hate to be at all times. I'm actually a very much an active person who don't actually settle in a day without doing something and I myself don't want to be a total bum.

For most of the time, I’m guilty of comparing myself and not having to settle with the thing I can only do and I must say that it hurts me watching other people go on with their lives as if anything is possible.

Having said that I could now accept with all my heart that maybe the cure is not totally can lies on the things that we can see, or what we can felt. It must be the kind of healing that must be inside of us no matter what life has treated us at least to say to ourselves this is what I am settled at the end of the day.

Plus, the hope of that there’s a life better than this. A real life that each and everyone fully deserved to enjoy and live to the fullest of our abilities. I know it will be someday soon…Somehow, you will find me waiting still..

Just In Time

"Tick, tock says the clock"

It's almost past over 12 midnight yet still I can't find that eagerness to sleep or just to close my eyes off into the dream land. My mind had always been preoccupied by so many things going on in my life within these past couple of months. For so many time I really tried at least to assured myself that hopefully everything will be alright. I'm done with all the emotional ride that I've been to that is maybe the reason why I'm still here and at the same time I felt that unconditional love coming from Jehovah though at times I have a lot of shortcomings and to put it bluntly spiritually I was carried by the emotional bumpy ride going on and still going on with the set up of my family. To some people that I know it seems that I used to isolate myself for a couple of times lately which I don't really intent to in the first place. I was never away though it seems that I am I was just taking some time off with everything and holding on to the faith that can never take that away from me.

I am praying for almost every day and every night to Jehovah for the guidance, protection and wisdom not just for myself most especially loved ones too in this crucial times. But be rest assured that I am doing okay and everything still under control in my own perspective. I was supposed to be resting in bed much earlier like what I said to be prepared for my surgery again tomorrow (hoping that this is gonna be the last time, I don't know.) which I never thought will have to be this far. With so many things that going on in the last few days, last few months I am just thankful that my Mom is still the strong woman as she is ever since she had went through a lot of hardships in her marriage. Now I am learning and still learning to understand her everyday on how hard it is she was going through in finding herself worth again and if ever it could be against my will. I know that she know that I love her with all my heart because she has been the best mom in the world. I just want the best for her and not to ruined her personal growth.

...and now she's still again with me in these never ending struggles and battles that I have to go through as a person and as a daughter that is why I feel so blessed that Jehovah made her to be strong for her to be guiding light at times when I feel so weak. I do understand that she has a lot mistakes, bad decisions and shortcomings too but still she chooses me to be part of her plans even though I'm the biggest burden upon her shoulders even though I know it wasn't it that for her. Just recently we always argue on something you know me as being the chronic worrier I'm always after for some clarification and letting her know the outcome like an eldest daughter who-knows-it-all in some instances. Oftentimes, I'm sort of a debater in the family who never wants to lose. Well, it's me and all the crankiness getting over my head. Sorry! Just kidding. She used to told me all her plans for me and my sisters that is so wonderful to hear. I'm just praying for it to work out accordingly and somehow still the wisdom coming from Jehovah must always prevail in every decision she will make if ever one day.

Tomorrow we will be leaving on or before 9am PST. Here you again this a little feeling of uncertainty what if I'll be back to zero again. Well, maybe I'm becoming too emotional which leads me to this chronic anxieties from time to time. I guess, this surgery is very much different now. No, I will not get back to zero again because MD will just removed the surgical steel bars that was in me for so many moons now. It doesn't hurt that much. I totally don't feel any excruciating pain anymore unlike before. I can feel a little numbness and shaky each time but the good thing is that I can walk slowly now. I think I already had adjusted and somehow I gained much strength compare to the 1st and 2nd operation a few years back which I totally started from scratch after 5 or more years being tied up into this chair. This time it will be much different now hopefully. The thing is that I can't really feel an ounce of sleepy-ness in my system and I was just having all my time when I can because tomorrow I have no choice I will be having much rest in bed and can't come online. I just feel so chill getting away my head for so much worrying now.

It will be okay soon. I hope that you will not get tired of me and I have a lot and lots of catching up to do in each and everyone of you. I do miss you all a LOT! and if my voice can be heard from this monitor screen I just wished it came across out to all of you. I will be writing letters soon. Well, a broken promise that I did I'm really sorry. I just didn't mean to keep you hanging. Awww! It does make me a little sad now thinking each and everyone of YOU! I will do my best to get some pictures for you to see my beautiful face, just kidding! I'm really trying to be more upbeat now and when there's no reason to be sometimes. I think I better get off my hands now from typing and shut my big mouth! I just hope I can stand a day without checking my mail or even writing some more blogs and even updating Squidoo lenses. I very much had a routine life and lately I realized it's really hard typing when your head is in between two heavy pillows! I think I'm having a stiff neck!

That's all for now!

Thank you everyone for all the love, encouragement, and support that keeps me grounded in all these times!

(Do I have to mention names? You know all who you are!!!)