A Letter Attempt #1: Daughter to Father

Dear Pap,

Today as I am trying my best at least to make it all understand I suddenly I felt really tired thinking why things happen to be this way.. I've been trying to reach you in any means but I haven't even heard a single word from you. I know this may sound nothing to you and I know how you made things complicated for all of us. I am hurting by the hurt that you had cause at some point I am not the only one who are suffering with the pain and betrayal. I don't know if it's intentional or not I don't care but why does it have to be like a literal slap in the face.

I don't know to you but I am recalling all the good memories that we both shared as a family but it all seems vanished as I felt you just put everything into waste. What can I do? Maybe it is too late now. Somehow, the damage has been done. No more explanation needed. Isn't too obvious how you manage everything as if smoothly planned? How could do this to us? We don't have anything against you or caused you pain in any way or maybe in my part as your kid you had felt that I was failure. Yes, I've been a failure in so many ways. But I never turn my back with the reality that I had this disability that I have to go on with life like this. Pero ikaw you just left us hanging in the air.. Instead of holding us back even for sake of all the good memories that we had as a family.. You always turn us away.. Is that what is meant by your silence amidst in all this dilemmas. I am afraid of the person you are right now. It seems like I don't recognize you anymore.

I felt pity and scared for the future. I'm scared that because of all this we may lose everything or should say I already lose you as my father. I don't understand how this freedom made you into someone as you are right now. Some say that a parent's job is eternity. It is timeless and never ending. There are times I felt this void of absence of not having you in our life for quite some years now. Though it really doesn't matter in how you view it. As I am endless asking myself, do you ever miss me? Do ever take time to think about me? Do you ever cared if I can still make it through the day? And every time you are enjoying yourself with other's company or your son's company, do you ever think about me? us? Or do you ever take time to read my emails?

You don't know how I manage to spent the day in the little corner at home, in front of this dumb machine feels like my world goes by a slowly. I was sitting outside the porch the other day, I saw a girl like my age walking around with her group of friends talking about her someone special. I just thought maybe if things a little more different I can also be like that girl.. Somehow, I see myself in the shoes of that girl living life to the fullest though there maybe hardships along the way. It just reminds me of you how you are wasting your own life. Maybe I'm not the right person to tell you what's wrong and what is right. I guess, you should've know that.

Sorry for becoming too whiny in this email.. This is the only way I can think of to let it all out and somehow to reach out to you.. I hope one day we can possibly found the healing in each of our hearts.

Time can tell if all wounds heal and everything restored.

When all else fails, just breathe...

Nobody saw it coming. The storm has cometh and another has gone by. Maybe not yet. Anyway, it's quite fascinating to see the morning sun again, behind those transparent overcast blue skies. Somewhat hiding in the past couple of days from where am at.

Tirelessly, we prayed and prayed for another day in history hoping we can still be a part of it. I've never been a believer of the word 'lucky' but if there's a better way of describing it it would be that we are still blessed to be here more than anything else.

Just about now, I'm sitting here pondering how life's lessons old and new can let you see things in the other way around. Sometimes, you have to go through something you never felt before no matter what it is before you even realizes that maybe things have to go on purpose and maybe full of maybe's.

Some sort of finding the reason out of everything why things didn't meant to be or no matter how you tried to patch things up it falls down to nothing but silence. I barely find it hard to relate in all sorts of people in my life in general. I'm totally out of the loop! I don't know. It's not that I dare to isolate myself in a form isolation that I created myself but it always seems that way. An isolation I never chose to be an option it just came out and leading me nowhere. I don't want to call it very much destructive in a manner that I can always find a way to handle it one day at a time.

There are just some things that is so hard to explain to everyone. I can name all the issues and discuss the same issues all over again. Though times are changing I felt that I am not. I felt that I'm forever bridging a gap that I didn't know where to find even myself where am standing at.

It took me years and years to realize that people do change in many ways some for the better and there are some for the worse. The worst part is that I'm stuck somewhere in the middle where you can do nothing but to hope that you did everything to reach out even though all these years things became monotonous as if the I'm one who created all the mess.

Somehow, I can call it wounds that we all have to patch it up and if you have all the guts and the courage to talk about it it is up to you. Wounds and issues basically comes synonymous on how the way you handle it. I'm fragile and easily be sensitive in handling issues I'm speaking of issues in general. The only consolation I have is that I knew I want it all to get it off my chest..

After all that I've said and done, I realize how I'm not liking the social media after all this time. I do tend to hate the hate out of me as if it's not the source of my bread and butter. I just don't like how the truth screaming so loud
in my face and that is left for me is to felt some kind of fear in a good way.

Surprisingly, the other day I was opt to stalk someone as I've never done it before. Never in my life, I've never had 'real enemies for me to take advantage of these social networking.. That is so far one confessions I dare to say.

Though as my intro lines sounds promising and optimistic as it does, I am very much still in a sound of mind. Thank you!

Since it's the 6th day of October, amidst all the chaos there are still enough reason to smile as there always will a silver lining at the end of the day.

* Finally reached the goal to Top 100 Giant Club. Some of you might already know that it has been two years now since I started working on writing web articles online. It is so far one of the finest job in the world that I foresee in the next couple of years maybe two to five years from now. Adsense is pretty much the language of the internet marketing nowadays. All you need to have is a properly working backlinks, sincere recommendation and just being yourself. That is what I think the best way to sell yourself, your product and whatever you are born to do.

* I was thinking of coming up with my own website for various reasons. Methinks its more promising but I still need to learn all the proper tools out there that are available. An interactive, inspiring website domain would be sweet.

* Cutting off my TV time in the coming days to spend some time and to improve my style of writing. As well I will try not to let in my emotion (like today!?) get in the way as I went through the day.

* I'll be needing some discipline on how spend my time here also in the internet. No matter what I do I'm easily get lost browsing from one information to another. Multi tasking that is!

This is all in regards to my online projects here. I haven't thought about what's next but definitely everything is in the making.

Little Distractions

I tried to believe that today is much better than yesterday and it feels right...


Last night I found myself into a total exhaustion that I can't do nothing but to fell asleep in a much earlier time than I used to. I usually stay awake late hours after a couple hours of nap time to work on some new lens topic to prevent me from a bad case of procrastination. It is indeed a hard habit to break when it feels like I'm always caught off guard of what to write about in a days I badly needed it.

Anyway, I'm taking all the time I have here to be more productive hoping things will eventually put into place. I guess, that's just the way things are sometimes. The more it came unplanned the more it ease us up that it is going to be great amidst all the chaos of how it came to be. The same way how we came to be in this life somehow at first things came unclear and unplanned and then later on we realize how we are being part of a majestic plan that we are in this earth to have something to live for just like a purpose of making a difference. It doesn't matter how or when it came to be but the important thing is how everything came to finish. As I rest all my thoughts on the road to positivity that nothing can take away my peace somehow it took some time for me to realize how little distractions can easily bugged the hell out of me. It is like a monster underneath my bed waiting for me knowing I can't run.. I can't back out.. I can't hide anywhere of my own ordeal.

Frustrating how I tend to overlook at myself in this kind of situation where mostly the feeling of could have been, would have been and should have been enters at the back of my head though I am still living my own life one day at a time. I still put on the same clothes, put on the same smile, put on the same beggar's determination; as a way to cope up with the disability I'm trying to live with everyday. Not quite sure why I said that I'm very much still a normal person inside, because I really do. I digress. More often so far I'm still blessed sitting here pouring down all my heart into something I really enjoyed most. Maybe if I am not disabled I won't be here to share a story. My kind of story.

Goodbye August!

I guess, it’s now time to brush up this empty page. I don't know. For quite some time I feel like there's something within me that holding me up from writing on what concerns me at the end of the day.

Not sure why. Maybe because after all that is said and done I'm still blessed to be here and so far things are working on the way that is opt to be expected. There are certain things in life that is part of the madness that for the moment no matter how you tend to control it, it’ll therefore passes by after the long run of holding unto it… You therefore accept the things beyond your control but to accept. Everything becomes a matter of mind set to move on forward to what is more important in your life right now. There are still constant restraints along the way but it is what makes you a much better person without counting down the bruises. After all the while, it is indeed a lesson learned. That is how I would sum up the month of August.

Most of the time, I wrote things that reflects my personal way of life, my hopes and fears, the oddities I’m living in the past twenty three years of my life, the disability that pushed me away to enjoy the life of an average person does as well some of the tad part is not totally mine but from those amazing people that I happened to meet along this so-called “life”. Now I need to gather up my thoughts to positivity for this month and for the coming months so that whatever crisis arise I’ll not lose my sense of composure to stand the overpowering pressure from the outside forces. Don’t you think I need a break? There are days I how wish I could go time travel if there’s something like that is possible. What a sweet escape!

Today is a wet day. Gloomy rainy days are pretty much the weather lately. It goes to show that we are coming to the last quarter of the year when the weather a bit colder than the usual tropical sunny days. So far, I’m glad that my work is at home. Too many things to write about but I got a limited time up and down in my chair. Sleeping is pretty much a routine how I wish I can easily spend more in days when I can easily catch it. I’m more of a night person nowadays that makes this a perfect job in the world!

Finally, I got great treat none other than a new spankin’ mini laptop for work courtesy of Mom. I’ve been craving for this so so many many months now. After all the long patience and hard work, the fruit of labor is finally here... Sweet!

Gotta go back to my online writing projects now. Trying myself to busy..

I hope the sun shines from where you're at.

What If a Picture Talks #2

I've always loved taking pictures in an artistic way but I am no photographer even being an amateur one will not do.

A picture can really paints a thousand words! They must be brave enough to let the whole world hear what they want to say...

























I don't know. I guess, I am more like the writer in the family while growing up after tons and tons of paper assignments I've done being asked by some common friends and some I did for the sake of pleasing someone else. For sure I did learned my lesson well. Instead of holding colorful pens and paper, I am much more closer to the simple art of a written word because for me it talks more than the visuals that we see. A written word can swim deep through various human emotions and affects us until we can never be the same again. But, I had such deep appreciation for those creative minds who can both the world upside down with their incredible gifts of talent and artistry.

Inner politics is for ugly people

Changing times are inevitable. As well as the global economy is on recession. Someone might say that it is much better to be optimistic and have bigger hearts in the midst of a crisis like this. How is this? Again, it is hypocrisy not to think about the things that can provide us all the opportunity to a better life. As long as we worked hard on it, learned to balance our time and took on the faith that everything will fall into place as something on God’s purpose.

Oh well! Politics are for ugly people only. I tried to believe so and I'm not into much arguments and discussion lately. That's what you get when you attached yourself in this crazy either you can win nor lose.

So never argue at all unless it is seriously needed! Darn.

Off topic, this week I haven't started much a bit on the lens work. Still I'm not easily get the things done once I started something new distractions comes my way from here and there. I've learned a lesson to never let anyone take away your composure especially on the issues suddenly surfacing. I'm a sucker for a little less nonsense things and I admit I am easily get affected with issues. How I wish I can be a tougher skin as EVER!

Focus, focus, focus!

Cycle of madness

It’s a fine Saturday evening but why am I feeling stressed out and feeling a little bit of everything?

I’m tired of this humungous feeling of tiredness streaming out of nowhere. Period.

That’s why suddenly I felt that my system doesn’t work on the way it should. My mind can’t easily digest concepts of information I’m opt to do in writing as well in my future online projects. I’ve been doing some inner reassessment of how I’m doing with my life and everything in it. I was raised as someone to be the believer of things that somehow things might come my way hopefully. It was the same trait that both my parents would love to see me as someone who puts everything unresolved in the hands of the Most High. I guess, I did what I did to be the best that I can ever be.



For the most part, finding your inner peace sometimes can be deceiving and it is something you own when you are little and all of a sudden you grew up someone stole it away from you. No matter what you do, you still need to earn it as something worth of the price you pay. It’s just sad how we abruptly succumb to the change in the circumstances as if we have no choice with no resolution or whatsoever until you will never be the same again.

I don’t know. It seems that within me there are still so many things I need to absorb to let go like the certain madness that comes and goes. Maybe it’s neither all just a bad case of PMS nor a mental block overdue towards exhaustion. It was given that I’ve never been a healthy kid when I was child nor even I was while growing up. Little distractions easily puts me down in a certain manner that I really tried to hold everything in like everyone else. I remember the old high school days when I was being underestimated as a person who doesn’t have high regards in the knowledge of Algebra and all the academic nine yards in Mathematics. They try to measure my abilities in numbers as if it’s all that means in the world. I remember myself sitting at the first row because allegedly being a disabled child I was the number one priority; but you are all wrong. I never asked or begged people for them to prioritize me in the first place. If they doesn’t like the way I carry myself it doesn’t matter if I’ll be left alone forever on my own. Likewise, I’ve never been a good competitor while pursuing my academic pursuits.

Thinking way back then, it’s probably the most boring phase of my life nothing else.
Like what I said, perhaps it is all part of a madness that I need to go through. So far, I’m already done with it. But another milestone I still need to carry on every day. Life is pretty much a cycle. A cycle that has a beginning and an end but it also leads you into a conclusion that whatever you are right now it doesn’t fine you at all as a person...

Having said that, I'm ready to retire to my bed and call this "A Day!"



Breathe.
When all else fails, just breathe.
Live life as it is your last day earth.