Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it. - (says Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy)
Everything happens so fast, I just can't believe I'm finally at home sitting here in bed and still vulnerable in pain. I'm glad that all the errands of the day are past. All I'm up for right now is to wait and anticipate that sooner these things will be over. To me, it has always been another journey of a never ending battles towards life in either way you chose to be.
I'm doing alright and the problem with taking two kinds of (painkillers & antibiotics) meds three times a day it mostly can put you to sleep. I don't know to some cases but I do. Waking up this afternoon is really a big deal. I hate being back again to these stage again when it seems like I had my first operation where I had to start from scratch. But the good thing is that the right leg is the only operated part which is something to be thankful for, meaning one is enough.
I don't know how to gather all my thoughts lately. When I arrived last Sunday afternoon, I was thinking of writing some blogs so that I can still remembered all the things I have to say and there I never made it. I actually don't have any idea on what was waiting for us in the hospital visit last time but I know this is what I'm anticipating for. I was there almost half hour of the day and we did nothing but to wait. I waited for my X-rays, waited to be scaled because I haven’t scaled for almost two years now, waited to get the needle to my veins for IV fluids (nahirapan ang mga nurse kasi hindi daw makita ugat ko sa kamay, natatakpan daw ng taba).. What else? I was watching my mom sitting at the corner of the x-ray room and I was a mile inch away from her I was somewhat giggly told her, Look, Ma… We made it again and three times in a row pa… It’s just one of those stares that I will treasure the most ‘coz we just know what we are feeling even in just staring with our eyes. I haven’t told her that yet. I don’t know…
At the same as I am writing this entry, I can still recall those two years ago which is the exact time of the year when I've gone through my second surgery that leaves me in a total bum for a couple of months. In those months, I learned to enjoy every single day without leaving my solitary confinement, from time to time the friendly visits and since I became a college drop-out at that time I just thought to find a way where I can be heard through writing which is I finally achieved that in blogging my thoughts and that is how I found my spiritual family and friends. Who would have thought that was two years ago? Yeah, when I came to think of it I have waited for almost two years for another medication which is I know would be much physically and financially exhausting.
I don’t know I just missed going to that sober place again contrast to what some people said that it was a scary place. But to me I had grown up going in hospitals which it became a playground to me, very much like a mall or a hotel where I can rest all my worries behind even for just a day. Who said its great place to be? Nobody wants to be hospitalized every now and then?! Well, I have no choice…
When it comes to the nature of my disease is still unknown to many and even the people in the medical field. . It is called "Idiopathic Osteolysis Carpotarsal" which I am diagnosed when I was still a kid which is mainly the reason why it deprived me from doing things I truly loved and enjoyed most like mostly any other kids in my age. Sometimes, I’m getting tired of explaining things when people often see me as naïve and instead of 22 year old I felt that they are treating me like was just 12. All I know is that I have to be checked, observed, and treated once in a while or after every year to see cases if there's some deformities progressing.
That deprivation often leads me to have that a little attitude of crankiness which I really hate to be at all times. I'm actually a very much an active person who don't actually settle in a day without doing something and I myself don't want to be a total bum.
For most of the time, I’m guilty of comparing myself and not having to settle with the thing I can only do and I must say that it hurts me watching other people go on with their lives as if anything is possible.
Having said that I could now accept with all my heart that maybe the cure is not totally can lies on the things that we can see, or what we can felt. It must be the kind of healing that must be inside of us no matter what life has treated us at least to say to ourselves this is what I am settled at the end of the day.
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