For a pessimist I'm pretty much an optimistic.

This is probably the most laid back weekend I'd ever spent. 

More talk less confrontational arguments.

Pretty much the usual everyday musings here and there as my thoughts wandering where this year will going to lead me to. I guess, I'll just have let it go for now and sort it out or probably let everything go unplanned for the mean time and lift everything up to the hands of the Most High as it was supposed to be.

For the most part, it always seems that change is the only permanent thing in the world. I know at times I become so silly when it comes to talking about these facets of realities. And yet it does happens, mostly to people in general.

I therefore say that these bitter sweet  episodes of life's miseries are essential to make or break you and even mold you to be the person like you are today. I tried to believe that everything in life comes into a matter of phase per se which differs in its impact and there are those suddenly subsides as if nothing ever happens. Still, it's all become tolerable in the end no matter how you picture yourself in the verge of giving up on that particular time. It just comes like a sort of a madness.

I don't know if I consider it a blessing or curse. But for a pessimist I'm pretty much an optimistic that in the end we'll find our own place under the sun.

Finding our passion.

Living life for something to look forward to or being happy to our own sort of happiness not by others' standard.

I've been a little too hard on myself lately for not letting other people's constraint and opinion overshadowed the things I'd love to do and the things that I can only do. It is great at least for once in awhile to be conform in your own sort of comfort zone where your own potentials are possible.

Since this is my life I have all the right and free will to whom I will exert my precious time and effort and that is none other than to those I consider helpful to my growth and can see beauty even in the ugliest moments in life. I don't need those obnoxious critics who only want to be heard their side of the story and they are also those who will literally slap you in the face to make you feel how miserable your life is because you can't even afford to be in their shoes. Shame on you but to be blunt I can go on with my life without you all.

I just realize this life is not complicated after all. People do complicate things. Like I do complicate things that I should not bother myself with all these complications that life has to throw most of the time.

Now, I don't even know how to end this ramblings so let me say, let it be.

Just for the sake of my love for blogging..

I can't believe I've been blog-less for such a long time now. I'm too caught up with so many whirlwind going on in real life. In a situation like this, it's either you are in controlled or being controlled most likely. I'm trying hard to find my focus and acceptance that each and everyone of us goes through these series of realization towards life in general.

All these things came about after the passing of my grandfather who succumb to cancer for almost a month now. I guess, there's still a part of me that is grieving for him that somewhere at the back of my head thoughts came in,  I will no longer able to see him again in this life.

Somehow, just encountering the death of a loved one made you realize that death is a part of life that no one is excuse. That is where grieving came into the picture. People tend to grief in so many different ways. It's being human. A fascinating switch of emotion through joy, pain and grief that takes you into a totally different experience. I really can't do that all at the same time. It's too emotionally absorbing and draining to the body. Good grief.

And there you came December. I know it wasn't the easiest time of the season for me in terms of my physical condition where feels like I'm caught with a certain type of cold virus. Well, what a fuzzy month. Plus, the year is totally coming to an end as time flies by so swiftly. I barely notice it. Pretty much this is my life I'm supposed to get used to it.

Now I need to focus my remaining energy to formulate new niche ideas in the coming days. Maybe create my very own bucket list, website, write letters and procrastinate more (the best job in the world!). 

Obviously, I just came here to VENT!

My head is totally out of whacked the whole day. I felt that I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown streaming from some issues unconsciously hanging at the back of my mind. It’s one of those days where I really want to scream out loud at the top of my lungs. This is so unfair!

There are just some things that will just hit you like a literal slap in the face. A certain realities about people can really be disappointing at times most especially if that person is so close to your heart. It pains me to think I’m just left with this online job where I don’t know when will I able to stand through all this. I long for at least a support coming from a father that I can’t do these things all alone. I don’t know for the first time in a very long time I felt the need of needing someone where you can lean on, cheer you up and where you can tell everything about what goes through the day and anything under the sun that stirs up my curiosity. Probably, it’s the same old story but in a times like this you are just left by yourself in the solid ground. Being the fragile person as I am, I never intend to use hate as a defense mechanism for me feel much better when someone do me wrong. But to my surprise, this is definitely the worst feeling in the world. I am not perfect and I never will aim for perfection. Yes, it’s suffocating how certain people get into your nerves because I am so helpless to fight back with all my might…

How could he just forgot me that easily? He didn’t trust me that much that I am here to understand. I am here not as a burden. I am here because I can be a friend. I am here because I am his daughter. Now I can’t totally focus every time because I’m the shock absorb-er in the family. How I wish I have the toughest skin as ever. But the stresses left me there in the open and tied up. I don’t know when and how will I able to stand all this. I’m sick and tired of some people’s crap in my life right now. I’ve always been in good terms to everyone but lately I’m left all alone with issues that neither I can’t even solve. I miss the old times. I only got to hold on to the memories but I do love my life right now. There are just some things I know and I can do now compare before. I guess, I just want to go back maybe because of the simplicity of life and the least of responsibility I tend not to cherish a few years back. Though as you tried to look back I don’t have regrets in some ways because I learn to take risks. Taking risks is the usual thing I do in order to survive in the past few years. In pursuing my medication, I took risk my life in the hands of doctors and medical people which I even barely know. And even finding my own place in the sun, I just take risk…

I know there’s no easy way out in everything about this life. There are some quiet moments wishing I don’t have this limitation so I can enjoy life to the fullest. But I only got my life right now. As well make the most of it and what I have for tomorrow I will not be here. That is probably the pessimistic optimist post you can ever read in my entries. This probably too shall pass!

May the force be with you.

Probably what goes around comes back around.

Today I really want to write in a more upbeat manner just for the reason that life is what it is. For the most part, words are just words though real life away from the blogosphere can be pretty much exhausting, fun and stressful at times all rolled into one.

What a bumpy ride.

There are times when I totally want to drown myself into a deep slumber in a good way but what can I do there's no easy way out in the midst of an issue surfacing one after the other.

I guess, everything comes in a matter of perspective. It's either hope for the best or just expect the worst. I tried to believe so.

I'm indifferent. Today I chose to be me. Today is not that tragic. It's just one of those average days when I'm bound to let the time to pass by. Clockwatching. Learning to conform and embrace the beauty of ambiguity that everything goes like a cycle of tides turning.

Today I'm grateful that I am stronger than before in terms of emotional level somehow in order to survive you got to have the toughest skin as ever. I admit there are things I want to learn to let go inside myself like to never take grudges and bury the things that needed to buried. I could have forgotten some of the painful memories of the past having this disability and looking back was such a waste of time but for me this is what personal blogging is all about. I call this as my only outlet. I treat this like a friend, my great confidant. A psychological therapy that eventually recording the things out of the madness of the moment can be passe. When I was in college, I learned the real value of patience about people in either way they will love you or hate you. As I've never been this friendly like myself now in my schooling days, I am aloof most of the time. I closed my doors in getting to know anyone and meeting new people treating them as if they are going to bite me. I guess, to make the story brief you have to treat everyone like you want to be treated. Probably, that includes personal issues treating it like the way it want to be treated. Love begets love.

Sorry but I need my personal space to grow up and taking everything in slowly which I somehow cannot grasp in a few years back. Yes, I'm totally disconnecting myself with family and friends that was very much of me counting down the days of isolation in either way I don't have a choice. I guess, that let me maintain the level of sanity I have today in a figurative speaking. I just can't fit in much worse back then. That I really don't want anyone to define me and fit into some sort of a mold. It is a synchronicity revolves around in your life that appears in the way beyond your control.

Now I just take a deep breathe. Isn't that life is breath taking.

Such is life.

One of the few tragedy written about life is that it can throw you out of the bus the least you expected it. From one morning you woke up full of hopes all of a sudden it changes everything from your perspective to the things you ever cared of. Blame human nature.

I guess, it always seems to be that way. We may admit it or not, there are circumstances that makes everything blown out of proportion to the extent you are wondering if you can ever still patch it up or be settled and cling to the notion that things can never be the same again...

To be continued...

breaking away from the monotony

Or should I say breaking away from the PAST and LET Go...

As I am writing this all the thoughts from the past years of experiences and battles seems coming through again in my head. It haunts me as it is forever be a part of me. Somewhere in this dark, cold and dump solitary confinement I had found the surest comfort that I could possibly find as well as hoping against hope that there’s got to be more to life than this. And it always caught me off guard.

Glad I’ve already gone through those years when it feels like everything is in a blur. Somehow the thing I called “madness” is eventually under control. I’m still the same small person in a little more tolerable on how life will throw at me at the end of the day. People can be disappointing at times or neither have I tended to overlook my own shortcomings on either way. I guess we all do have that baggage we still can’t let go. So did I.

Sometimes, I wish to wake up as a different person the next day. Wishing I can do all the things that life withholds in the past few years that is being snatch from me.

You may call it past grievances. I grieve for the lost time. I grieve for the years. I grieve for having this limitation. I grieve for the pain I cause while I’m finding my way in believing in myself that eventually I can put the pieces back together and work on my recovery. I grieve for one person who contributes to my well being that passed away years ago but it always brings back the smile to my face knowing the legacy he has left. I guess, there will come a person in our life maybe a stranger, an old familiar face, possibly a loved one who will inspire you and change your life forever not necessarily in a romantic manner.

That is why how they say; people come and go but those you find special always find a way to stay in heart...

Being sober is a lame excuse for not working today...

Everything started out as one roller coaster ride of emotions to the extent I’d almost forgotten how wonderful life is. I wrestled with my inner self that somehow I can do things all alone and keep the fine fight of faith which I truly believe in. I was fuming with anger the other day to what I believe a reasonable reason to react out of my fragile nature naturally and it’s just makes me feel better! I’m telling you.

Though I told myself, they cannot let me down by circumstances that this life has to offer so to speak. I chose to rest my case for the moment to face the much lighter things of life to help me grow as a person as a sole individual capable of growth.

I guess, I’m all up for finding the positive reason out in every situation it leads me to. I know, I shouldn’t stop there every day is an endless possibilities because everyone deserve second chances or maybe not.

Too tired...

I am being asked a few days ago via twitter of what basically my blog is all about. Is it what really happening to me or am I some sort of a walking fictional character merely existed in this blogosphere?

Without any offense, I felt that's ridiculous. Of course, I do live and breathe.

It just happen that this is the outlet I'd chose to release the tensions, the joys and the triumph of my everyday life.

Macha, the Winking Cat

I prefer to see life as it comes on my way. I don't make plans for myself even for something I couldn't last to finish but of course I never say die. I know deep in my heart that I had a purpose. Jehovah has a purpose for me and when I started do something I just accept it as it comes without expectation nor excuses.

Simple as that...

x----

Feels like there's no easy way out to sleep well tonight as so many thinking thoughts rummaging through at the back of my mind. I know, how a prayer can be a powerful tool in a crucial times like this when I'm barely exhausted with issues suddenly surfacing in real life. There's money, family matters, arguments and nothing but arguments. Feels like for the first time in a very long time I'm all alone tied up into this chair searching for a silver lining out there at the end of the day. I'm almost there and yet so far.

And there I realize how I can't do this all alone. I need a pillar of strength to grasp on to escape this seems inevitable, dark loneliness coming from an abyss of resentment slowly taking its place in my heart. I got terrified of being mad at someone and scared of myself as I'm losing my grip at anger. I just need everything to voice out that, hey you, did you forget I'm still alive? I know you didn't even care but I'm hurting by the hurt you had caused that is seems irreparable right now. I'm only human. I'm not perfect and I can't live up to your own expectations. If you cannot take me as I am, better deal with it. Period.

Of all the people you may ask I had better issues and got loads of them in my drawer that I really need to bury it down. Somehow, it will take a matter of time on everything to get resolve which I actually don't lose the faith. Just don't get me wrong all the random rants I chose to bury them here instead of keeping it in my chest. Sometimes, the longer it takes you to rest your case can put all your energy down the drain as I'm trying to live my life no better nor worse.

It all sounds like a routine to be in all over again. I just got sick of getting into the arguments again but if it's the only way to straighten up things and be heard why not. Anyway, mind you as I keep on ranting my rants I'm not even aware how time flies its another month again coming. Feels like I'm not still prepared for the month of March to come so many things going on as for the most part its all issues I dare to worry my mind as it keep on coming.

I only have one prayer tonight, may everything put into its place as I'm wishing hard not for a perfect life very impossible rather for the strength amidst my condition. Now I need to work on new ideas for new contents, new niche probably and discover new things to acquire knowledge with all my internet-content business. I don't know how they call that!

May the force be with you.

How can you ever still loved a person who cause you so much pain?

As much as I tried to be reasonable at these times I can't seem to find the courage just to ignore everything as of all the person on earth why is he be the one who would cause me so much hurt churning me up inside in the least I expected.

I am choking somehow with sadness asking why eventually all things turned into this kind of mess my father has put us through. Never in my wildest thought I imagine seeing his pictures online with his other woman that kinda looked like a big internet scandal to me. It just losses everything I imagined him to be as this person who was deserving of our respect and attention being the great father he once was if there's a moment I can remember but sadly things buried forgotten. I know, I'm not the only one in this world in this kind of circumstances having these issues to their fathers that always been feels like a lifetime to me. It felt like a literal slap on the face for seeing how has life gave them more privileges that supposed to be where my place in the first place. Though I'm not the only one whose suffering the betrayal and being cheated by someone he promised to spend the rest of his life with. So, guys have you ever asked yourself a thousand times or even a million times before cheating on to your wife because everything has a matter of consequences whether you like or not.

I just told myself I'm a big girl so I better take the toughest skin as ever amidst the adversity coming on my way. As much as possible, I'm trying not to hate the person but hate the things about what he did because I don't tolerate things and justified what he did as some part of the norms that guys often particularly as them being father to cheat on your mother. I know one day things will be over someone would say. I just want to vent it all here because it is the only thing I have right in this moment I am writing this. So readers bear with me it's just one of those 'madness' again.. It just sucks really. Everything about it.

A Letter Attempt #1: Daughter to Father

Dear Pap,

Today as I am trying my best at least to make it all understand I suddenly I felt really tired thinking why things happen to be this way.. I've been trying to reach you in any means but I haven't even heard a single word from you. I know this may sound nothing to you and I know how you made things complicated for all of us. I am hurting by the hurt that you had cause at some point I am not the only one who are suffering with the pain and betrayal. I don't know if it's intentional or not I don't care but why does it have to be like a literal slap in the face.


I don't know to you but I am recalling all the good memories that we both shared as a family but it all seems vanished as I felt you just put everything into waste. What can I do? Maybe it is too late now. Somehow, the damage has been done. No more explanation needed. Isn't too obvious how you manage everything as if smoothly planned? How could do this to us? We don't have anything against you or caused you pain in any way or maybe in my part as your kid you had felt that I was failure. Yes, I've been a failure in so many ways. But I never turn my back with the reality that I had this disability that I have to go on with life like this. Pero ikaw you just left us hanging in the air.. Instead of holding us back even for sake of all the good memories that we had as a family.. You always turn us away.. Is that what is meant by your silence amidst in all this dilemmas. I am afraid of the person you are right now. It seems like I don't recognize you anymore.


I felt pity and scared for the future. I'm scared that because of all this we may lose everything or should say I already lose you as my father. I don't understand how this freedom made you into someone as you are right now. Some say that a parent's job is eternity. It is timeless and never ending. There are times I felt this void of absence of not having you in our life for quite some years now. Though it really doesn't matter in how you view it. As I am endless asking myself, do you ever miss me? Do ever take time to think about me? Do you ever cared if I can still make it through the day? And every time you are enjoying yourself with other's company or your son's company, do you ever think about me? us? Or do you ever take time to read my emails?

You don't know how I manage to spent the day in the little corner at home, in front of this dumb machine feels like my world goes by a slowly. I was sitting outside the porch the other day, I saw a girl like my age walking around with her group of friends talking about her someone special. I just thought maybe if things a little more different I can also be like that girl.. Somehow, I see myself in the shoes of that girl living life to the fullest though there maybe hardships along the way. It just reminds me of you how you are wasting your own life. Maybe I'm not the right person to tell you what's wrong and what is right. I guess, you should've know that.

Sorry for becoming too whiny in this email.. This is the only way I can think of to let it all out and somehow to reach out to you.. I hope one day we can possibly found the healing in each of our hearts.

Time can tell if all wounds heal and everything restored.

When all else fails, just breathe...

Nobody saw it coming. The storm has came and another has gone by. Maybe not yet. Anyway, it's quite fascinating to see the morning sun again, behind those transparent overcast blue skies. Somewhat hiding in the past couple of days from where am at.

Tirelessly, we prayed and prayed for another day in history hoping we can still be a part of it. I've never been a believer of the word 'lucky' but if there's a better way of describing it it would be that we are still blessed to be here more than anything else.

Just about now, I'm sitting here pondering how life's lessons old and new can let you see things in the other way around. Sometimes, you have to go through something you never felt before no matter what it is before you even realizes that maybe things have to go on purpose and maybe full of maybe's.

Some sort of finding the reason out of everything why things didn't meant to be or no matter how you tried to patch things up it falls down to nothing but silence. I barely find it hard to relate in all sorts of people in my life in general. I'm totally out of the loop! I don't know. It's not that I dare to isolate myself in a form isolation that I created myself but it always seems that way. An isolation I never chose to be an option it just came out and leading me nowhere. I don't want to call it very much destructive in a manner that I can always find a way to handle it one day at a time.

There are just some things that is so hard to explain to everyone. I can name all the issues and discuss the same issues all over again. Though times are changing I felt that I am not. I felt that I'm forever bridging a gap that I didn't know where to find even myself where am standing at.

It took me years and years to realize that people do change in many ways some for the better and there are some for the worse. The worst part is that I'm stuck somewhere in the middle where you can do nothing but to hope that you did everything to reach out even though all these years things became monotonous as if the I'm one who created all the mess.

Somehow, I can call it wounds that we all have to patch it up and if you have all the guts and the courage to talk about it it is up to you. Wounds and issues basically comes synonymous on how the way you handle it. I'm fragile and easily be sensitive in handling issues I'm speaking of issues in general. The only consolation I have is that I knew I want it all to get it off my chest..

After all that I've said and done, I realize how I'm not liking the social media after all this time. I do tend to hate the hate out of me as if it's not the source of my bread and butter. I just don't like how the truth screaming so loud
in my face and that is left for me is to felt some kind of fear in a good way.

Surprisingly, the other day I was opt to stalk someone as I've never done it before. Never in my life, I've never had 'real enemies for me to take advantage of these social networking.. That is so far one confessions I dare to say.

Though as my intro lines sounds promising and optimistic as it does, I am very much still in a sound of mind. Thank you!

Since it's the 6th day of October, amidst all the chaos there are still enough reason to smile as there always will a silver lining at the end of the day.

* Finally reached the goal to Top 100 Giant Club. Some of you might already know that it has been two years now since I started working on writing web articles online. It is so far one of the finest job in the world that I foresee in the next couple of years maybe two to five years from now. Adsense is pretty much the language of the internet marketing nowadays. All you need to have is a properly working backlinks, sincere recommendation and just being yourself. That is what I think the best way to sell yourself, your product and whatever you are born to do.

* I was thinking of coming up with my own website for various reasons. Methinks its more promising but I still need to learn all the proper tools out there that are available. An interactive, inspiring website domain would be sweet.

* Cutting off my TV time in the coming days to spend some time and to improve my style of writing. As well I will try not to let in my emotion (like today!?) get in the way as I went through the day.

* I'll be needing some discipline on how spend my time here also in the internet. No matter what I do I'm easily get lost browsing from one information to another. Multi tasking that is!

This is all in regards to my online projects here. I haven't thought about what's next but definitely everything is in the making.

Little Distractions

I tried to believe that today is much better than yesterday and it feels right...


Last night I found myself into a total exhaustion that I can't do nothing but to fell asleep in a much earlier time than I used to. I usually stay awake late hours after a couple hours of nap time to work on some new lens topic to prevent me from a bad case of procrastination. It is indeed a hard habit to break when it feels like I'm always caught off guard of what to write about in a days I badly needed it.

Anyway, I'm taking all the time I have here to be more productive hoping things will eventually put into place. I guess, that's just the way things are sometimes. The more it came unplanned the more it ease us up that it is going to be great amidst all the chaos of how it came to be. The same way how we came to be in this life somehow at first things came unclear and unplanned and then later on we realize how we are being part of a majestic plan that we are in this earth to have something to live for just like a purpose of making a difference. It doesn't matter how or when it came to be but the important thing is how everything came to finish. As I rest all my thoughts on the road to positivity that nothing can take away my peace somehow it took some time for me to realize how little distractions can easily bugged the hell out of me. It is like a monster underneath my bed waiting for me knowing I can't run.. I can't back out.. I can't hide anywhere of my own ordeal.

Frustrating how I tend to overlook at myself in this kind of situation where mostly the feeling of could have been, would have been and should have been enters at the back of my head though I am still living my own life one day at a time. I still put on the same clothes, put on the same smile, put on the same beggar's determination; as a way to cope up with the disability I'm trying to live with everyday. Not quite sure why I said that I'm very much still a normal person inside, because I really do. I digress. More often so far I'm still blessed sitting here pouring down all my heart into something I really enjoyed most. Maybe if I am not disabled I won't be here to share a story. My kind of story.

Goodbye August!

I guess, it’s now time to brush up this empty page. I don't know. For quite some time I feel like there's something within me that holding me up from writing on what concerns me at the end of the day.

Not sure why. Maybe because after all that is said and done I'm still blessed to be here and so far things are working on the way that is opt to be expected. There are certain things in life that is part of the madness that for the moment no matter how you tend to control it, it’ll therefore passes by after the long run of holding unto it… You therefore accept the things beyond your control but to accept. Everything becomes a matter of mind set to move on forward to what is more important in your life right now. There are still constant restraints along the way but it is what makes you a much better person without counting down the bruises. After all the while, it is indeed a lesson learned. That is how I would sum up the month of August.

Most of the time, I wrote things that reflects my personal way of life, my hopes and fears, the oddities I’m living in the past twenty three years of my life, the disability that pushed me away to enjoy the life of an average person does as well some of the tad part is not totally mine but from those amazing people that I happened to meet along this so-called “life”. Now I need to gather up my thoughts to positivity for this month and for the coming months so that whatever crisis arise I’ll not lose my sense of composure to stand the overpowering pressure from the outside forces. Don’t you think I need a break? There are days I how wish I could go time travel if there’s something like that is possible. What a sweet escape!

Today is a wet day. Gloomy rainy days are pretty much the weather lately. It goes to show that we are coming to the last quarter of the year when the weather a bit colder than the usual tropical sunny days. So far, I’m glad that my work is at home. Too many things to write about but I got a limited time up and down in my chair. Sleeping is pretty much a routine how I wish I can easily spend more in days when I can easily catch it. I’m more of a night person nowadays that makes this a perfect job in the world!

Finally, I got great treat none other than a new spankin’ mini laptop for work courtesy of Mom. I’ve been craving for this so so many many months now. After all the long patience and hard work, the fruit of labor is finally here... Sweet!

Gotta go back to my online writing projects now. Trying myself to busy..

I hope the sun shines from where you're at.

Inner politics is for ugly people

Changing times are inevitable. As well as the global economy is on recession. Someone might say that it is much better to be optimistic and have bigger hearts in the midst of a crisis like this. How is this? Again, it is hypocrisy not to think about the things that can provide us all the opportunity to a better life. As long as we worked hard on it, learned to balance our time and took on the faith that everything will fall into place as something on God’s purpose.

Oh well! Politics are for ugly people only. I tried to believe so and I'm not into much arguments and discussion lately. That's what you get when you attached yourself in this crazy either you can win nor lose.

So never argue at all unless it is seriously needed! Darn.

Off topic, this week I haven't started much a bit on the lens work. Still I'm not easily get the things done once I started something new distractions comes my way from here and there. I've learned a lesson to never let anyone take away your composure especially on the issues suddenly surfacing. I'm a sucker for a little less nonsense things and I admit I am easily get affected with issues. How I wish I can be a tougher skin as EVER!

Focus, focus, focus!

Cycle of madness

It’s a fine Saturday evening but why am I feeling stressed out and feeling a little bit of everything?

I’m tired of this humungous feeling of tiredness streaming out of nowhere. Period.

That’s why suddenly I felt that my system doesn’t work on the way it should. My mind can’t easily digest concepts of information I’m opt to do in writing as well in my future online projects. I’ve been doing some inner reassessment of how I’m doing with my life and everything in it. I was raised as someone to be the believer of things that somehow things might come my way hopefully. It was the same trait that both my parents would love to see me as someone who puts everything unresolved in the hands of the Most High. I guess, I did what I did to be the best that I can ever be.



For the most part, finding your inner peace sometimes can be deceiving and it is something you own when you are little and all of a sudden you grew up someone stole it away from you. No matter what you do, you still need to earn it as something worth of the price you pay. It’s just sad how we abruptly succumb to the change in the circumstances as if we have no choice with no resolution or whatsoever until you will never be the same again.

I don’t know. It seems that within me there are still so many things I need to absorb to let go like the certain madness that comes and goes. Maybe it’s neither all just a bad case of PMS nor a mental block overdue towards exhaustion. It was given that I’ve never been a healthy kid when I was child nor even I was while growing up. Little distractions easily puts me down in a certain manner that I really tried to hold everything in like everyone else. I remember the old high school days when I was being underestimated as a person who doesn’t have high regards in the knowledge of Algebra and all the academic nine yards in Mathematics. They try to measure my abilities in numbers as if it’s all that means in the world. I remember myself sitting at the first row because allegedly being a disabled child I was the number one priority; but you are all wrong. I never asked or begged people for them to prioritize me in the first place. If they doesn’t like the way I carry myself it doesn’t matter if I’ll be left alone forever on my own. Likewise, I’ve never been a good competitor while pursuing my academic pursuits.

Thinking way back then, it’s probably the most boring phase of my life nothing else.
Like what I said, perhaps it is all part of a madness that I need to go through. So far, I’m already done with it. But another milestone I still need to carry on every day. Life is pretty much a cycle. A cycle that has a beginning and an end but it also leads you into a conclusion that whatever you are right now it doesn’t fine you at all as a person...

Having said that, I'm ready to retire to my bed and call this "A Day!"



Breathe.
When all else fails, just breathe.
Live life as it is your last day earth.

Bridging the gap

After all the news of social media networking hiccups surfacing, it finally took its toll on me. I can’t remember when was the last time I had a few casual conversation with those people closed to my heart face to face. Well, except with the ones I had with mom a few hours ago and the tireless chattering with the busy buddies at home which leaves me to realize that I’m not invisible after all. The people in general that we encounter had this sort of connection to communicate, to inspire and to influence us even at a certain time of the day.



I don’t know. There are days when I really don’t feel like to be involved anymore. It’s not that I’m trying to reject any personal commendation or I’m not being grateful to them; I guess I’m just tired. Almost every day, I’m learning to bridge the gap between my own fears of uncertainty, the gap being in the world of abled people as well as forgiving myself which is the hardest thing to do at the end of the day. Some might say, how can you forgive others when you cannot forgive yourself? That is the question, I’m always asking. Had I given my best shot in everything that I can do today? What I am grateful for? Why can’t I find the courage to talk to my father in regards to all my deepest concerns? Have I done enough for all the special people that surrounds me including my mom to be proud of me as her daughter? What is my worst that I badly needed to change? How to let go of the things beyond my control and be passive if there’s no choice? Am I still ready to take risk like I did before?

Mostly, questions come up to me in a various ways and occasions. Writing about it serves as my way of contemplating on how life play smoothly as it is or am I getting there to where I’m supposed to be. The thing with writing your thoughts it comes and it goes sometimes it does give me a hard time to pinpoint on which is which I am anxious about that certain day. If I’m going to write it chronologically in a journal which I’d already done a few years back with my old notes, it would definitely take me some time to divert it as words don’t come easy at times. It’s like talking to the same old brand new person you once knew before but there you are you cannot grasp the right words. That is how I felt right now. Feels like I’m navigating through distant waters which I don’t know if I’m just trivializing things that is not going to happen at all. I guess, that’s how I would define my own set of hopes and fears...

For the meantime, let me leave it all behind this open page. Hopefully, someday I’ll get there to bridge the gap and wishing that this is all just nightmares in my wildest dreams.

Look who’s talking?

Breathe.

the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak

Darn for all the days of absence in blogging and for doubting myself at times. But on the lighter side, absence is not all bad. I'm doing a series of naps or sleeps whatever you call it, in the afternoon curling up with a good book and it really increases my appetite for anything nonsense that goes through the day. How about that? I don't know if it really matters for doing me any good.

It's just that there are days when I felt like I'm stuck somewhere that I can't nearly start my day right off to where I wanted it to be. As they say, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak so I'm trying to convince myself that everyday is worth a try no matter what holds you of doing the last time.

I notice that since this month has started I haven't done any new pages yet on Squidoo or more often than not I'm not nearly done on updating those previous 80+ pages. It's not that I'm in a hurry myself or anything I just hope I wasn't neglecting in anything not just in Squidoo rather most especially in the so-called 'real-life outside'.

I'm sure I do all have the time. No, I'm not that bored. I'm actually enjoying the loads of stuff I'm learning on the way and the more I work on learning new things I learned that it is meant to be earned that way and that there is no such thing as tough things in life that you cannot do when you have eagerness and determination.

At the end of the day, you only got yourself not to compare with others but to trust that voice within yourself that you can do even the hardest things you thought you cannot do...

Joining Blogging Against Disablism

So far, the weekend is over. I can finally say that I’ve got plenty of reason to rejoice as I’m stepping at the start of this week. The Sunday’s special talk raised so many points for me to reflect, and to think about in regards with the different aspects of my life right now.

It’s always been a great feeling for me knowing that I have something to hold on to when it comes to my faith in God. I guess, I’ve been enlighten in so many ways that I can’t help myself but to talk about it. When it comes to my faith it is something I highly do regards as a part of my way of living and not as an obligatory I’m oblige to give in return.

Somehow, our prayers are continually answered as we keep on knocking on to the Most High as He greatly knows us more than we know ourselves. Once again, I’m not trying to be preachy here. I don’t know you. But as we are living in this life, it would be great to live for something like a purpose why we are on this earth, why we keep on trying and why we still hope against hope.

Having that hope means so much to me. Sometimes, I tried to choose it and sometimes I don’t. Those are some moments when I felt like I’m so fragile emotionally and physically. Some sort of exhaustion from waking up in the morning looking at myself, feels like nothing is change and I’m still sitting on this chair for some reasons I can’t hardly get up.

Hopefully, in my lengthier blog later I’ll discussed about my genetic bone disorder for the benefit of those people who by chance bumps on my blog and somehow I’m able to pass some sort of awareness. The heck with it! You don’t know how close I am to leaving this “blog” which became a part of my lifeline in the past couple of years.
Yeah, I did pour my heart into this like I said my lifeline and my rear-view mirror to the world to write my suppressed thoughts as much I would like to tell people.

Well, I’m very eager to update this regularly. I’ve been thinking about joining in a blog group called “Blogging against Disablism” on May 1st 2009 as a campaign on awareness where we have to write our own life story, struggles and challenges living as a disabled person.

I hope I’m able to come up here and write about it. I’ve been blogging for almost four years now and I never joined in any groups of bloggers online, feels like it’s going to be something new to me for sure. Right now, I went back to Squidooing again. I notice that I had a lot of WIP’s lens on my dashboard in the past couple of months. I tried to focus on writing reviews, music, and food lens which I mostly know how.

I don’t know. I got so many plans in my head but due to lack of eagerness in my part it didn’t push through. I guess, that’s the way it is. We sometimes have to go on the flow. Just let it be.

Anyway, more randomize rants. The two pups (Ella and Dalgoon... I know, weird names for a dog) are given away for adoption today. They are given to our close relatives. Oh, yeah... I’m quite sad for being with them for quite some months now. Oh my, my mom’s babies. We have no choice but to let go of them. How can it that be??? The laptop I’m purchased doesn’t arrive yet! How frustrating!

They said, it gets tougher more and more everyday but that’s what it keep us going.

When social norms is too much to bear

Sometimes, we cared too much on what people may think about on us the way we manage our thoughts as if there’s no room for improvement. It’s not that I care less to the norms of the truth I’ve always believing in. I don’t know. Anyway, it’s not something to bugged me that I owe everybody an explanation for things that is happening beyond or not beyond my will as for the moment no matter what it is.



After all this is still my life and I’m sticking to it. Now I know now why people tend to escape “social norms” as if it sucked up everything in your potential for the most part we all do deserve to achieve that level of growth within and out of ourselves as long as it doesn’t compromise the welfare of the others.

It is so many times I’ve heard them say, “Think outside the box, you’ll never know what it is in there maybe endless possibilities.” Don’t let anyone mold you for who you are not. For the moment you let them, they might take away the life in you. Who would want to be a walking doll that is forever dependent to his masters? Even if you are un-capable of doing things your own, you are still a valuable weak vessel in the eyes of Jehovah. Even God himself would want us to see things on our own balancing whether if behind all the darkness there’s still beauty that lays on every deceptive part. He never ever dictates. I tried to believe so that we all do have our own stories to tell, things to shout-out into the world even though we are not sure how. In my case, I did try writing my thoughts in a blog like this or any topic close my heart on the things I loved to do. Though I’m not still the grandest with all this things at the end of the day it’s a great feeling that before you go to sleep you have something to share to the rest of the world whether they will read it or not. It doesn’t matter. Leave an impact. Make a difference. Be the change you want to see to the world. Most of all be you, not anyone else.

This is all I can say I’m not perfect and you are not perfect either. We are both having these same genes and shared our strengths and weakness. It’s really up to us on how we will let ourselves be molded by the good and the bad this system has to offer. You know what I did? I’m not also picking up all the good things but also the bad things in a sense that it serves me a lesson. It’s not that I’m repeating my bad choices its how we manage to pick out the positive out from the negative. Somehow, I know the real world is very much different how they will treat me if I am also able-bodied like them. I can almost imagine the difference but sometimes I imagine myself being normal working in a much different office unlike what I do at home well not thinking about the pressure everyday but still have a lot of difference. I don’t know. Sometimes, you just can’t stop thinking if things will be different. Have you?

Anyway, I just said that. That doesn’t mean a sour note to end this entry. It’s just a part of what I call “a day in the life” for me. It isn’t that grand or something. Or even my words is too plain for you but it’s worthwhile when someone wasting time with me. Tomorrow will be a different case.

A Matter of Life and Death

Conversations about Death

Work of Irma Sawitri


Life passes swiftly, but not the buried arrow
Death is the finish, but doesn't end with a final whistle
Between racking one's bones, newsclips of war and daily chatter
We are flung about and we make love
and ready ourselves to face new certainties

If only a person could choose the best way to die
I would die like a fighting cock, quickly
and not in bed
You mean with your body drenched in blood?
Yes, and what's wrong with that?

I thought I saw death standing stalwart
in the doorway
I thought I heard, "She has almost no pulse"
And then, in an instant, darkness came
and everything vanished
But the next morning there was the sun,
the morning paper
And the verge of something I've never understood.

I bow and I kneel, my two hands clasped
and tumbling pray with a beggar's determination
Don't take him, I whisper, don't take him
How can I be so fickle, and am I that contemptible?

Life is the best part of death,
and you are the best part of the dream
I never knew,
Why they didn't track you down or your grave
Though I did seek myself in you
in fissures of time
Forever asking but never finding
I was dragged asunder by the hurly-burly of the world
on my side didn't history once stand
albeit with no rifle or loudspeaker in hand

I can't believe I was writing my supposed to be last night's entry. This is the problem with me when I get so much tired almost the whole day all the plans of writing never pushed through. I've been through a monotonous routine of sleep mostly every night sometimes it just leaves me fully awake in the late midnight hours.

I'm really trying to be systematic nowadays. Very much not in a technical sense, but I'm trying not take things seriously I mean taking things as it is. Apparently, I've been successful if not I'm going to leave it plainly as it is. I'm tired everything. I'm tired of being anxious when it doesn't have to do with myself.

Now I have no choice. I'll be banned from blogging until I get a new computer. Bye for now. Hang in there! I'll write more soon about it. So sad... sad.. sad.