Sort of a quarter life crisis in the making for a twenty six years old

I admit it. I've been stuck in the rut for quite awhile now. Nostalgia just hits me today unlike any other day the impact was all so great that I just can't stop questioning myself, what I've been doing here? Where do I go from here? Sort of a quarter life crisis in the making for a twenty six years old like me (turning twenty seven years old two months from now) in this so-called earth. I'll let you know the reason once I found out why.

Then there's this things that are not just like before. Anyway, what do I expect I'm living in 2012 and a week from now it will be a new year. This is not the 90's or ending of the millenia anymore. Reality do sucks as much you are trying to find the escape it will haunt you in the face. For a long years now, I've been trying to create my own world where dreams have wings and it can fly like I can do anything that is possible. Now I woke up to that dream world that there's this certain limitation I have it on me. Why can't I be like anybody else?

Don't get me wrong but most physically challenge people like us feels that at a certain point in our lives. For a moment it took awhile for us to find our own wings to soar high. Though I only have a simple wish or you may call it a dream and that is to see the my loved ones especially my mother having a fulfilled life. She didn't ask me for anything but I feel I need to work out more for her. No matter how I can get in my online work somehow just to help her make both ends meet I would do anything for her. Forgive me for being too emotional writing this today. It's just that the feeling is so overwhelming that I couldn't even hold back my tears. I've battled so many issues in my life for most of the time it was a roller coaster ride. Sometimes it takes me up and just like today it takes me down I can no longer find my worth.

I know it is not how things supposed to be that way. Sooner or later, this too shall pass as if I'll be able to find my own worth again.

Random thoughts on being 26.

Being twenty six is not scary after all. The word not scary after all is too much to say as an understatement so don't get me wrong. When I was about six years old, I was told by some doctors that when I reached the age of ten I won't be able to walk again and there's a genetic bone disorder which is progressing in my system. It was the same old weary story that I have to live through until today.

I knew through it that I was born unique and special. Life was pretty much a struggle and it always been ever since. I almost got to the point where I self pity almost everyday of my life and frown at the things I wasn't capable of doing. It was terrible. I feel terribly sorry today for living into the shadows for such a long time due to the fact that I couldn't accept myself as I am. I guess, we all go through these phases of madness as we confront what life has to offer.

It is really indeed, life is full of surprises. Sometimes, it will caught you off guard being the person as you are towards certain issues you have deal with because you simply have no choice and it always seems to work that way.

Now I'm trying to let things go as it is because it is the only way I can freed myself from these chains of barriers that overshadowing myself and to the outside world. I know it always been easier said than done but I knew I am capable of doing it as the time goes by. Its just putting yourself in a best foot forward everyday hoping that it is going to be much brighter and hopeful than the last time.

I am true believer of second chances in life as long as you are living through what it really means rather than swearing things and you're pushing yourself to become the person you ought to be. I still need a lot of things change by the way of my thinking, developing enormous patience towards others and most especially not losing faith because for sure there's going to be a lot of hurtful things to be thrown on me in this life in the near future.

Now I'm gratefully praying for a more braver hearts and a few tears so I can go on everyday through this life like everyone else.

So, thanks to all who had been and still part of my life whether you had given me joy, sorrow and tears because that made me who I am today.

Me at 26 with a new spankin' haircut!

Everyday ordinary rants

Feeling slightly detached today though I really don’t know where all the crappy-ness streaming out somewhere in my system. I’ve secluded myself into some sort of a bubble for quite some time now.

This is my life. Sounds like a self-affirmation. So be it.

I should’ve known better that this routine was synonymous to none other than loneliness though no one ever notices it as the passing of the day.

I’m trying not to over psyche myself that working at home has finally taking its toll on me inevitably. For once in my life I woke up for something I can hold on to but in case like this it seems like I’ve booked myself into a self exiled island where life is pretty much like the day after tomorrow.

Days come and it goes. A myriad of cycles I’m still tied up into this cave. All is bound to change except me or I can barely notice it.

On the other hand, if there are pains definitely there comes the gain in all this. I tried to believe so. I’m way past of the things I tried to worked on in the past few months so far it is smoothly going on its way where it’s supposed to be. I’m trying to figure out the sense of doing this ‘art’ for quite a long time now.

Probably, I’ll need to plan out another goal or new niche in the coming days that is.

Now I’m tired and it’s time to rest my case.

Being sober is a lame excuse for not working today...

Everything started out as one roller coaster ride of emotions to the extent I’d almost forgotten how wonderful life is. I wrestled with my inner self that somehow I can do things all alone and keep the fine fight of faith which I truly believe in. I was fuming with anger the other day to what I believe a reasonable reason to react out of my fragile nature naturally and it’s just makes me feel better! I’m telling you.

Though I told myself, they cannot let me down by circumstances that this life has to offer so to speak. I chose to rest my case for the moment to face the much lighter things of life to help me grow as a person as a sole individual capable of growth.

I guess, I’m all up for finding the positive reason out in every situation it leads me to. I know, I shouldn’t stop there every day is an endless possibilities because everyone deserve second chances or maybe not.

Monday Madness

I started a little off this week. There's the dreaded flu, runny nose and fever. It always does happen to me every time it changes the month. February pretty much nothing is going on special lately.

I'm still riding the same old routines but it's not very like me to welcome any negative facets of thinking as this very moment. Though I know at the back of my head, it linger still the issues of the family and that is something no joke to be in the first place.

I guess, we all get tired at the issues at times and it feels suffocating inside the bubble. As well as the feeling of being angry the other day somewhat consumes me before I get sick. Why is that there people who are trying to be so superficially sweet and all of a sudden they would angry at you when you didn't gave them what they need? I'm totally sulking the other day that somehow it fall over the place and mixed up everything.

Okay it pretty much summed up what I am feeling today. My head still achingly pounding. Now I'm planning some clock watching real soon or maybe curl up with a good book.

Simply Breaking the Habit

For quite often than not, it's great to take a break from everything from time to time especially the things we commonly do in a regular basis. Yes, I do get bored at times. I don't know. It must be the feeling when you are working at home online and since this is what I get paid for I might as well mentioned about it. I felt that the routines are sickeningly overrated. Sort of we all need space to get out of our comfort zones!

It's not FUNNY though. Period.


Anyway, I mean all that in a good way to find a breather with the things I usually can't myself bugged all the time. This is still so far the greatest job in the world! I declared in awe and never really a doubt.

What else is new? Let me see, finally got the same old brand new hair-do that I use to carry on these days. Just need to straighten out the curls and get rid of the waves a bit for it was giving me real bad hair day. A combo of Revenge of the Nerds meets Napoleon Dynamite in the making! Picturing it, it was truly a disaster.

So I challenge anyone of you, get out of your mac or PC. Set aside the issues and the dramas at the back seat. Take a deep breath, curl up to read a book, go shopping for yourself or for your loved ones, watch a DVD marathon of TV series you loved and get a new hair cut or else that matters to you and see for yourself. It feels good to enjoy and live life!

A Sunday Slumber

Ideas don't come easy nowadays. I pretty much jump on the conclusion that perhaps I need more time on contemplating more on things about life in general (as if I ever did something to astound you!) like the soundest of mind of a 12 year old do, maybe lower than that. I just love to stay on that level of innocence where everything is carefree. I don't know. Life seems so simple and yet you wonder what if things be like for you after 5 years or even 10 years of your existence. Likewise, you don't even have to deal with all the craziness of having your mind preoccupied whether negative or positive thoughts. How I wish more positive thoughts only.

I miss those plastic glasses!

"Listen; there's a hell of a good universe next door, let's go.
-e.e. cummings

Monday Wa-Fi

Broadband as in no broader connection! Is that what it stands for? Geez! It is giving me so much crap these days. Pretty much my so-called “jobs” are all online so why I have to be the one to suffer this loss of connectivity.

I’ve been writing paid articles for almost a year now believe it or not. I’ve written a bunch out there. Some are a bunch of rubbish and some are quite good (to what I call) for my own pleasure. Well, some find it informative and others find it very elementary. That’s okay.

That is why I can see the greater demands of Wi-fi… as in wireless LAN! Just imagine what if every street in Manila there’s a wi-fi… Wow, it’s going to be much expensive. Anyway, forget all my qualms… I’m not pointing fingers here. It just boils into one thing, I hate things messing up. I don’t know why. Uhhmmm...

I think I’m becoming very much an obsessive compulsive checking my mail, dashboard freak, holding this old cranky laptop.. I don't know. I just love how things going on my way.

I remember how I used to cram every time these time of the week arrives and I end up dreaming it would be Friday again. I don't know. I just feel lost sitting between the whole crowd of people my age.. Like I always use to up today. I always thought I was different. That's one thing, I'm sure.

This is a pretty mixed up world I'm living in. You live, you learn! Yeah, yeah.. Coming from an Alanis Morisette song in the mid 90's I just love that angry sound chick. She sounds very angry at that time... But I don't think so. No being angry is outdated now. I think she's being so emo. Anyway..

When you are about to start your week its a good thing you have to start it in a good vibe for the whole weekdays to be followed. It is something I heard from older generation.. Why not? We all deserve a good week days. We can make it. Be productive. Say what you want to say. Do what you want to do. Start it right.

Of course, it should start first in yourself.. Oh, gosh. Talking about yourself to feel good.. here's 50 good things about me: (shhhh, just don't tell anyone I know)

1.) I don't sleep with my eyes fully shut.
2.) I can sleep both with lights on and off.
3.) When I was in 2nd grade I won in a Spelling Bee and I remember I spelled "w-e-a-t-h-e-r" and I was the only one got it right.
4.) I can type even without looking at the keys on my keyboard like a speed of marching ants.
5.) I don't easily get a joke.
6.) I'm more like a cat lover. But I don't want to be away with my dogs especially my only one best friend "Inno".
7.) I can stand listening to classical.. Like songs in the birth of my parents. Best year songs ever made!
8. I can't easily sleep unless I condition my mind to sleep.
9. I'm an obsessive compulsive dashboard checker.. I know you all do.
10. I love being spiritual rather being religious. Spiritual in a sense I have something to reserve for myself because I don't want to be shun I usually does speak my mind because that's how God made us with free-will to choose.
11. Yeah, I love to chat most of the time.. I'm usually very much a timid speaker in person.. I love having a few small conversation and okay meeting people as well.
12. I don't celebrate Christmas, birthdays, any non biblical based celebration. But I love receiving gifts at times. Don't hesitate! :)
13. I got a lot of phobias. I'm a self-confessed agoraphobic.. basically, the fear of being left out in an unfamiliar places or leaving home. Ewww.. Feels like I want to cry.
14. I love watching Asian chick flicks. Though not the romantic side but on the characters.. come on, I am Asian.
15. I'm not afraid in ghost or supernatural.
16. I have a natural straight black jet hair but when I get a little older it started to get wavy and curly.. oh, gosh. It's hard to maintained so I just got Rebonded.
17. I use to scratch my head when I feel so uneasy or well just answering questions.. like right now. See?
18. My mom use to be my English adviser when I was in 4th grade in elementary.
19. I'm easily bugged with what other people say.
20. I usually wear PJ's while working on my Squidoo pages.. Aren't they a nice work suit?
21. I am easily get caught up when telling a lie. I can't hide my evil smile.. I don't know. It appears.
22. I'm really working hard for my dream mac laptop.
23. I think I am more a twitter user than before because I am more wiser now.
24. I can speak and write fluently in Tagalog.
25. I am using more my Right Brain because I'm a word nerd.
26. My favorite meal almost everyday is rice.
27. I've never experience to sleep in a luxurious hotel.
28. I undergone three major surgeries in my two lower extremities: 2 feet and 2 knees. The first one in 2002. The second one in 2006. The recent is just this year.
29. I have two dearly love younger sisters named Natalie Angela and Neriza. Our names started in letter N after my mom's name.
30. I love drinking Lingzhi coffee at late hours.
31. I'm a Psychology undergrad.
32. About to plan my next cyber-crime as an international spy or maybe I'm your number one stalker you never know.
33. I went to see Twilight. Oh, Edward. I'm always fascinated by vampires stories ever since I read Anne Rice's novels.
34. I can't play any instrument.
35. Sometimes I feel like talking nonsense just for the fun of it.
36. I realize that "how are you?" is an overrated question to ask. How can you say you are okay if you are not.
37. I have a fear of losing a loved-one.
38. I do counting sheeps just to fall asleep.
39. Sometimes I really cried so hard.
40. I have a habit over-thinking it helps me to stressed out what is inside.
41. Obviously, I spend much time in the internet.
42. I'm a bookworm since birth.. The first Disney book I read is "Pinocchio" and of course "My Book of Bible Stories".
43. My favorite Bible verse is Revelation 21:4.
44. I hate gibberish numbers. So, I hate math!
45. What else? I live in Asia. Somewhere here in the Philippines to a city called "Caloocan".
46. I don't usually talk much in person.
47. I have my own world at times.
48. I'm different. I'm special.
49. I love Squidooing most of the time!
50. Yehey, and most of all I am a Giant Squid.

random musings

So many things still going on in my head right now can't find its way out. It is some sort of a feeling I tend to disregard for a couple of times. It pushes me away into a limit of something I didn't expected. There are things I should have learned to live from now on and I'm pretty sure it's not going to be easy after all the things are said and done. I'm tired. I'm restless as I can ever be. I'm freaking out with every little things as far as I'm concern. I'm totally out of the loop. Pretty much I'm a bit of everything. This emotional blackmail continues to unravel until it is taking it's toll on me. No. I'm not even giving up and I'm not even halfway through this journey.

Everything is just actually starting ever since I wake up. How can you be fully awake when you're actually not even asleep? How can you forget the things you really want to forget? How can you make a move when you haven't cross the line? How can you say you know me but you haven't see me? How can you say you'll be there if you haven't been here? How can you talk when you can't say nothing at all? How can it stop when it's actually just starting? How can I finish when I haven't been started? How can I let go when it's not yet fully over?

Complexities mostly come up to me everyday. It goes and it goes like a myriad sets of patterns and questions people often don't care of answering. Sometimes, it doesn't make sense to them. That's why they don't care. Good times.