This is me 6 years ago...

As a part of Throwback Thursday, I happen to took a snap of my old Flickr account out of nowhere. Somehow searching for a spark of new inspiration and ideas I've been longing for quite some time now.

This picture was taken in the last quarter in the year of 2006 where the weather is soaking wet and there's another monsoon approaching. I recently drop out from college after spending a semester in Psychology. I just had my second reconstructive operation both in my lower extremities and my self esteem was really low at that time. I really felt so behind and an outcast I must say. Obviously, I still didn't know how to Squidoo back then but I have those so-called a whatever day blog. 

Except from God, I only rely one person  in the planet for the strength to carry on literally and that is my Mom and of course there's siblings, relatives and friends. It's just so hard for me not to look back because it is what made me right now probably more a better person.

It is said that in times of need you always got your family behind your back. There's nothing truer words other than that. No matter where you came from, no matter what you have, no matter who treats you like a family.

I decided to post this picture not because I pitied myself but because I just want to give credit those people are always who are always backing me up.

When at times I forgot to say it out loud, you should know that I'm so thankful beyond words.

Time really flies. 

A blessing and a curse.

Voila!

You might find me at the most unconventional circumstances this time of the year. I'm really trying to keep my track in my composure as much as possible in whatever life and people has going to throw on me. I've always been that way ever since. I realize how everyone has been so moved  on and having a of life their own. Good for them anyway. I guess, life is what it is. Sometimes, the things we cared so much and longed for and worked hard for can be so harder to reach. Likewise about people you just can't rely on them as they also has a life of their own. That's a freaking reality. Such is life. And that is how freaking my life lately.

Though I've always had a hundred reasons to be thankful most especially when a pretty rough day has passed. I know I'm on another phase again on re-examining and searching through myself how far can I go on in this life. I've always know ever since a kid how much this disability can be a blessing and a curse. I bet you. I got the best and the worst of both worlds. And I very much know the limitation that it will brought me as I go on with my life as an adult and the coming years. I am no longer a teenager either an eighteen year old who is still in the shadows my own fears and rejection of others. I am now in my mid-twenties who supposed to know that this is exactly what I really wanted to do. In my case, its always been different because I tend to live my life on a purpose not for the sake of pleasing the wants, wishes and desires of other people.

I'm trying to live for myself. Yes, you have to learn to love yourself above anyone else before you can show love to others in return. I must say, it is never been truer in any lifetime.

But at the end of the day no matter how hard the curse I tried to hold on to the notion that this disability is a blessing in a more bigger picture.

xoxo

Probably what goes around comes back around.

Today I really want to write in a more upbeat manner just for the reason that life is what it is. For the most part, words are just words though real life away from the blogosphere can be pretty much exhausting, fun and stressful at times all rolled into one.

What a bumpy ride.

There are times when I totally want to drown myself into a deep slumber in a good way but what can I do there's no easy way out in the midst of an issue surfacing one after the other.

I guess, everything comes in a matter of perspective. It's either hope for the best or just expect the worst. I tried to believe so.

I'm indifferent. Today I chose to be me. Today is not that tragic. It's just one of those average days when I'm bound to let the time to pass by. Clockwatching. Learning to conform and embrace the beauty of ambiguity that everything goes like a cycle of tides turning.

Today I'm grateful that I am stronger than before in terms of emotional level somehow in order to survive you got to have the toughest skin as ever. I admit there are things I want to learn to let go inside myself like to never take grudges and bury the things that needed to buried. I could have forgotten some of the painful memories of the past having this disability and looking back was such a waste of time but for me this is what personal blogging is all about. I call this as my only outlet. I treat this like a friend, my great confidant. A psychological therapy that eventually recording the things out of the madness of the moment can be passe. When I was in college, I learned the real value of patience about people in either way they will love you or hate you. As I've never been this friendly like myself now in my schooling days, I am aloof most of the time. I closed my doors in getting to know anyone and meeting new people treating them as if they are going to bite me. I guess, to make the story brief you have to treat everyone like you want to be treated. Probably, that includes personal issues treating it like the way it want to be treated. Love begets love.

Sorry but I need my personal space to grow up and taking everything in slowly which I somehow cannot grasp in a few years back. Yes, I'm totally disconnecting myself with family and friends that was very much of me counting down the days of isolation in either way I don't have a choice. I guess, that let me maintain the level of sanity I have today in a figurative speaking. I just can't fit in much worse back then. That I really don't want anyone to define me and fit into some sort of a mold. It is a synchronicity revolves around in your life that appears in the way beyond your control.

Now I just take a deep breathe. Isn't that life is breath taking.

Enjoying Life’s Ride and Disabilities through Blogging Against Disablism Day (BADD DAY)

Needless to say, I almost found myself amaze how years gone by and being ever so thankful that I’m still here alive and kicking and writing and sharing about disablism for almost three years now. Woot.

It’s been a crazy ride so far, a roller coaster ride of emotion that is. There are days where I just can easily get over the hype over the realities that times are changing, accepting the things I can do and I can’t do and that people in general do change on how they react on your disability and the best way to deal with it is to go on with the flow.

I believe that we are into this life having that unique way of living on how we carry ourselves, on how we try to conform ourselves into compromising events and ever changing situations towards non able-ness and eventually pushing ourselves to the limit up to our certain fixed points.

It is said that the human body has its own way of healing so having that capacity were capable of enduring pain and suffering somehow. For the most part, we feared not because of the suffering but by certain realities that life can never be the same again after a calamity. It left us often struck and downhearted as our life is being overshadowed by doubts and fear.

Though how many times we stumble and fall, it always lead us to the point of self-awakening that probably there’s a reason in everything behind this crap mentality. The only consolation I try to believe in just to console myself before I go to sleep. And even though it’s more a cliché as it sounds it just makes me want to believe more that eventually we’re going to find ourselves despite our handicaps and there are those who just found God.

I already discussed before some sour note of statistics of persons with disability or also known as PWD and the implication of disablism in the different aspects of my life. This time around I will not try question the universe or God into something I already done past with because I already know the reason why I'm still here and that is because we continue this fight towards life even if things gets blurry and aren't worth fighting for.

There aren't so much to say anymore aside from I'm just trying live my life and let go and let God...

Somniphobia

More often than not, I should’ve known that there’s a fine line between sleep deprivation and the phobia of not able to wake up before you can even sleep.

Pretty much I tend to over psyche myself in the run of days after days, weeks and after weeks and months and after months. I know this should not be the case. Feels like I’m tied up somewhere literally in this chair with all these thinking thoughts seems to haunt me in every single time of the day. Sounds like a creepy me but that is what it is.

This time of the year I’m working on setting goals for me towards life general so I admit it really was a terrible mistake sometimes you can’t hold on the things that your heart is longing for in life in general like in secular work even if you worked really hard for it in either way it could make or break you. Worst of all, it can applied for people too. People are people. Sometimes, things don’t work out.

All throughout the day is what a struggle. I’m struggling to cope with little distractions and anxieties coming my way to focus on the brighter side of life, the simple pleasures that can easily make me smile and knowing that I can still have the chance to wake up another day seeing my Mom being there by my side.

When I was asked about finding the greener pasture, all that came to my mind is that there’s no greater greener pasture other than being with someone (not always applied in a romantic way!) who gave up something in their life just to be with you. This could be a parent, a family member or one particular person you owe a lot to be the person you are now. This is what this limitation brought me to thinking not to take anyone for granted for life is so fragile and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life I haven’t done anything at least to appreciate and bring back to Jehovah all the gratitude that this life has to offer. His immense understanding for all the things that concerns me is somehow comforts me when the battle becomes too weary. I know every battle is not ours only to bear for without HIM we are nothing. No one can stand. We are a mile far from perfection not even this system.

Psalm 139: 23-24:

Search through me, O God and know my heart
examine me and know my disquieting thoughts

And see whether there is in me any painful way
and lead me in the way of time indefinite.

So to end this on a positive, if thinking thoughts is what keeps me sane in this cynical world so be it. At least for now that is all I can do and let me write all this stuff until everything clears.

The Best Things in Life are FREE

It’s a way past the new years where everyone gets giddy and I’m supposed to compose something to stop myself from bothering whatsoever. Then I thought I better not make a resolution this time around feels like every day for me becomes a major resolution for all the things I’m wishing for, worked for, hoped for and ever cared for. Pretty much an emotional roller coaster ride, mishaps adventures and blessings in disguise all rolled into one rocked my 2010. Though the best way to end it is by counting down the things I’ve always been grateful for because it is what makes the person I am today so far the better version of me. As much as I’ve never mentioned before that I eventually learned to appreciate the little things in life like what they say, the best things in life are free.

It’s never too late to learn the art of forgiving yourself, laughing at yourself and for having that tolerance in dealing with people no matter what they would cast on you. It’s always been nice to be a hopeful dreamer even if things won’t go your way there will always a plenty of room for improvement. Just know your passion and that you are born for a certain purpose whether you know it or not right away eventually things will reveal in God’s time. Life is never meant to be a smooth sailing journey but roads that are full of dirt, rocks and narrow roads that are sometimes cold and dark outside. That is when you have to muster up, find the courage and trust the guts you have inside that you can carry on. Yes, definitely it’s a tough road but once you cross the line and find your place into sun that is when you will become alive. It’s not that I’ve been dead for many years ago but as the years past and as you become years older and wiser, you will just know what I am talking about, I bet you!

Just go for it! Strike while the iron is hot…

Remember no disability and rejection can ever stop you from reaching your goals and hone your craft in the best way you can do who knows it could be the next bestselling masterpiece in the making. Though I’ve been there that road before, I was broke and about to close the doors towards myself and in everything that came in my life whether that can help me to cope with the disability nor contribute in my growth as an individual. Now I just feel blessed to be surrounded by an awesome support group ever in my life and having to know that Jehovah exists that we are just a piece of clay that is needed to be molded by HIM. This time I don’t have to question. This time I don’t want to ask. This time I understand.

I guess, that’s the way it is everything comes in a perfect timing and the best thing in living this life is that we always have an option and choices to make. When one door closes in one way or another door will definitely opens you’ll never know there’s always an endless possibility.

This time let me stick to my goals first and let’s see what happens next…

I'm an Idiopath, so what on Zazzle

Make a personalized gift at Zazzle.

Current mood: Tired/Bipolar

(This is still in regards to Blogging Against Disable-ism Day 2010)

Feels like someone cast a whirlwind of inspiration when I found myself working on a few designs on Zazzle so far I'm pretty much contented with the results. Since it's not been days past since BADD Day I thought of creating some stuff that promote disability empowerment if not something that can relax me as I went through the day.

I've never been good at designing stuff here and there. I'm not pretty much an artsy-fartsy person like my sister does still I found the idea of designing a relaxing job for me.

What do you think?

random rants about being 24

So after some merrymaking days I came back to my old self again. I was selfishly keeping all the thoughts to my self as if my life ever mattered to the world of blogosphere. I just don't know what to say anymore. Or it's just the right way silently for me to put it.


Again, there goes in the left corner the same old fancy table cluttered with my hair dirt, cat's fur and a few book stacks waiting for me to read. This is exactly the same bubble where I used to spent all my waking hours desperately thinking how life passes swiftly to anyone but not me. If there's anything in the world that came to my realization right now is that 'life isn't fair after all'.

It's obviously stupid for me to ask questions on why can't I just be where I want to be and not feeling this certain limitation that I haven't felt for such a long time now. This is something I really tried to disregard without any doubt, a reality check I never dare to fathom. It stinks how I cannot possibly enjoy life to the fullest which is very much impossible to attain or somehow at least to break away from these barriers not just once a month of going outdoors. I miss attending regular college classes which I believe I could finish anytime whenever I want to but not now. Until someone good told me I better stick to my writing course because this is what gives me all the good fortune cookie. Sounds like a sweet tap in my back that finally I was born to do this or maybe not and there I was exposed to this online contributing business where you are commonly called 'SEO' in your own right. Basically, I could have done more if not because of this limitation which I kept on overcoming everyday not because of the limitation rather by the circumstances it brought along. Somehow, this is the same reason why I'm fond of cats which most normal people won't understand the sense of companionship and comfort they tend to show you. Just like I said before, I were going to do the same task mostly everyday like these stuff I might already went insane to death or else you'll find me talking to myself which I don't want to happen. In any case, I'll stay sick in a matter of days or two for too much tweaking or copy write myself. I know, it was absurd, depressing and a little bit of everything.

De-cluttering is one of the most everyday chores I am not enjoying the most too and I know you do. It's quite of a big deal for me to keep on going without the things I get used to well I should have included that in my resolution's list instead, I will tell you when I get there. It's just that the mind has a hard habit to break.

Last Thursday 04 Feb., I turned 24 somehow the age I dreadfully dreaded aside from being 25 next year. The world of adults are too much crap! They pretend to be grown-ups but they aren't grown up at all. One more thing you know that I came from a family who don't celebrate birthdays, Christmas or any festive pagan belief that contradicts the Bible so it was somehow a typical day. The dinner was awesome even though it was rush and everyone is cramming to cook because my nephew mostly kids of my cousin are hungry waiting. Well, what people don't know much about me is that I hate grand celebrations or even parties which seems to kinda like a attention-getter-seeker galore. But I appreciate all the warm wishes, kind thoughts and memories from everyone I happen to came across personally and online. You are all amazing. Well, as much I'm having less fun on being cranky and complaining whatever goes through me at the end day, suddenly it starting to fade. It must be because all these things makes me better in the end it gets me more closer to the kind of person I really want to be that is truly who I am. I can impatience at times sort of a snob at times but I can happily say that I am becoming good in handling emotions now especially the moods swings I experiencing mostly everyday. It is somehow part of what you call 'maturity' in the process that is very innate in us. The water that runs too deep finally it subsides to cool it down I was telling that to myself the other day. Well, let us take one step at a time. There's no need to rush.

Notice how I started off this entry quite contrasting. Sounds like I'm on a bad day so far not that close but I'm obviously stating how routine kind of life seems so monotonous at times and tires you down easily. And this is how sadly I manage to live my life on a day to day basis. Sometimes, I tried to stick on matter that we all do have a choice and if this day I chose to be happy because this is my choice nothing would stop me from being happy. The choices we make in life is somehow what defines us in one way or the other. And this is what I love about living this life.

It is raw, pure and simple ME.

My one simple wish is that to wake up someday in another city some sort of time traveling in the unknown that would be a great adventure. To be more realistic speaking in my own terms, I NEED A VACATION! Will someone booked me a flight anywhere away from home just for one day? Someone out there listening who will spare some of that wish I will be grateful. Yes, indeed. Okay. Silly me! This is what you get reading too much sci-fi out of this world this world novels where a genie meets aladin shouting ABRA-KADBRA!

On the other hand, I'm also back on reading a few new and old books from the cluttered book stacks in my desk to collect more thoughts and re-collects. The house is more like a dog and cat shelter nowadays I'm enjoying the company of these felines so hungry mouths to feed.

I'm almost up til this late and I'm ready to start a new week. Keeping my finger's cross for nothing but just a smooth sailing, not much stress-free week.

Little Distractions

I tried to believe that today is much better than yesterday and it feels right...


Last night I found myself into a total exhaustion that I can't do nothing but to fell asleep in a much earlier time than I used to. I usually stay awake late hours after a couple hours of nap time to work on some new lens topic to prevent me from a bad case of procrastination. It is indeed a hard habit to break when it feels like I'm always caught off guard of what to write about in a days I badly needed it.

Anyway, I'm taking all the time I have here to be more productive hoping things will eventually put into place. I guess, that's just the way things are sometimes. The more it came unplanned the more it ease us up that it is going to be great amidst all the chaos of how it came to be. The same way how we came to be in this life somehow at first things came unclear and unplanned and then later on we realize how we are being part of a majestic plan that we are in this earth to have something to live for just like a purpose of making a difference. It doesn't matter how or when it came to be but the important thing is how everything came to finish. As I rest all my thoughts on the road to positivity that nothing can take away my peace somehow it took some time for me to realize how little distractions can easily bugged the hell out of me. It is like a monster underneath my bed waiting for me knowing I can't run.. I can't back out.. I can't hide anywhere of my own ordeal.

Frustrating how I tend to overlook at myself in this kind of situation where mostly the feeling of could have been, would have been and should have been enters at the back of my head though I am still living my own life one day at a time. I still put on the same clothes, put on the same smile, put on the same beggar's determination; as a way to cope up with the disability I'm trying to live with everyday. Not quite sure why I said that I'm very much still a normal person inside, because I really do. I digress. More often so far I'm still blessed sitting here pouring down all my heart into something I really enjoyed most. Maybe if I am not disabled I won't be here to share a story. My kind of story.

Cycle of madness

It’s a fine Saturday evening but why am I feeling stressed out and feeling a little bit of everything?

I’m tired of this humungous feeling of tiredness streaming out of nowhere. Period.

That’s why suddenly I felt that my system doesn’t work on the way it should. My mind can’t easily digest concepts of information I’m opt to do in writing as well in my future online projects. I’ve been doing some inner reassessment of how I’m doing with my life and everything in it. I was raised as someone to be the believer of things that somehow things might come my way hopefully. It was the same trait that both my parents would love to see me as someone who puts everything unresolved in the hands of the Most High. I guess, I did what I did to be the best that I can ever be.



For the most part, finding your inner peace sometimes can be deceiving and it is something you own when you are little and all of a sudden you grew up someone stole it away from you. No matter what you do, you still need to earn it as something worth of the price you pay. It’s just sad how we abruptly succumb to the change in the circumstances as if we have no choice with no resolution or whatsoever until you will never be the same again.

I don’t know. It seems that within me there are still so many things I need to absorb to let go like the certain madness that comes and goes. Maybe it’s neither all just a bad case of PMS nor a mental block overdue towards exhaustion. It was given that I’ve never been a healthy kid when I was child nor even I was while growing up. Little distractions easily puts me down in a certain manner that I really tried to hold everything in like everyone else. I remember the old high school days when I was being underestimated as a person who doesn’t have high regards in the knowledge of Algebra and all the academic nine yards in Mathematics. They try to measure my abilities in numbers as if it’s all that means in the world. I remember myself sitting at the first row because allegedly being a disabled child I was the number one priority; but you are all wrong. I never asked or begged people for them to prioritize me in the first place. If they doesn’t like the way I carry myself it doesn’t matter if I’ll be left alone forever on my own. Likewise, I’ve never been a good competitor while pursuing my academic pursuits.

Thinking way back then, it’s probably the most boring phase of my life nothing else.
Like what I said, perhaps it is all part of a madness that I need to go through. So far, I’m already done with it. But another milestone I still need to carry on every day. Life is pretty much a cycle. A cycle that has a beginning and an end but it also leads you into a conclusion that whatever you are right now it doesn’t fine you at all as a person...

Having said that, I'm ready to retire to my bed and call this "A Day!"



Breathe.
When all else fails, just breathe.
Live life as it is your last day earth.

I'm an Idiopath, so what?

Now the right time has come. Today is definitely "Blogging against Disablism Day 2009"!

Oh yeah, I haven't forgotten it even though we were obviously living in a different time zones. I live somewhere here in the tropical sun-kissed city of Manila and there you are!

As I am planning to make a draft of it the day before, I don't know why it doesn't materialize. Maybe because I’m always been preoccupied by the happenings of the day, the noisy chattering inside the house, and my unpredictable health issues I’m experiencing from time to time.

It’s like going through a certain routine which I have no choice but I had to do it all over again.

In my recollection, twenty three years has past already. Counting down the days and the age doesn’t matter at times on how it all began. Sometimes, living with a disability can make your world stop to a certain pace in your life which you really don’t know how to pick up the pieces together and move on to a much better life you deserve in the first place.

Anyway, look at us. We manage to get up and make the most out from our own circumstances and situation with the help of our own families and with the community who embraces us and more often not.

The one I had is a rare genetic bone disorder called “Idiopathic Carpo-tarsal Osteolysis” or also known as “Idiopathic Multicentric Osteolysis”.

I was born like a normal child and as far as I can remember everything is normal. MD said it’s somewhat congenital which is while I’m still developing in my mother’s womb I already had these physical disorders and genetic defect that affected my physical development as I reached my puberty age and early adolescence. The word “idiopathic” explain it as a disease/disorder arising spontaneously or from an obscure or unknown cause.

Maybe its part of a genetic makeup caused some serious functional disabilities later on in my growing years up to my present condition. I’m always been aware that I’m not going to be mobile like an average abled-person does. Later on, it made me accept some of the things I can do and I cannot do.

August 2002. Fitting some hospital dress, before my first operation

Somewhere in September 2002. With Dr. Saguin removing the cast on my both knees.

Early April 2003. Closer look at the my operated knees while removing the cast.


June 2008. Preparing for my 3rd operation operation removing steel pins on the right knee. Sorry low quality photo.

June 2008.

Right after graduating from high school in 2004 and learning the use of the internet, I started looking out, researching some medical stuff in the internet anything that causes my tick and answers to those questions continue to unravel.

and this is what I had found out after all these years...

“Osteolysis(from the word “osteo” meaning “bones”) refers to an active resorption or dissolution of bone tissue as a part of an ongoing disease process.” – Wikipedia

“Idiopathic Multicentric Osteolysis” is a rare bone disorder. It is characterized by an extensive osteolysis, usually at the carpal and tarsal areas but other bones may not be involved.

-(You can read more here– SpringerLink –Journal Article)

“Idiopathic Multicentric Osteolysis” (IMO) is a rare disorder leading to extensive bone loss, most frequently in the carpal and tarsal areas. It is distinguished from Gorham’s massive osteolysis in the latter is unicentric and pathologically is associated with hemangiomatosis.

Table I. — Classification of idiopathic osteolysis according to Hardegger et al (15)

1. Hereditary multicentric osteolysis with dominant transmission
Between the ages of two and seven years, spontaneous pain and swelling begin in the hands and feet. Carpo-tarsal osteolysis occurs over the period of a few years.
Progression ceases normally in adolescence

2. Hereditary multicentric osteolysiswith recessive transmission
Similar to Type 1, but may be associated with severe generalised osteoporosis.

3. Non-hereditary multicentric osteolysis with nephropathy
Appears in childhood.
There is a gradual disappearance of the carpus with the tarsal
bones involved but to a less degree, and an association with proteinuria. Death occurs
usually due to renal failure and malignant hypertension.

4. Gorham’s massive osteolysis (Gorham-Stout syndrome)
Monocentric occurrence in any part of the skeleton may start at any age.
Normally “hemangiomatous” tissue is found in the osteolytic region. It has neither a hereditary pattern nor an associated nephropathy. The disease is benign and the osteolysis usually stops after a few years.

5. Winchester syndrome Autosomal recessive transmission.
Rare childhood carpo-tarsal osteolysis in association
with contractures, shortness of stature, skin lesions, corneal clouding and osteoporosis without nephropathy.

-(You can read more here– Idiopathic Multicentric Osteolysis: A case report and review of literature)

Courage is a quiet little voice in your head saying I will try again tomorrow...

One of the best thing that life has to offer is that we always had a choice. No better and no worse that is. These days is a combination of being pretty much messed up and trying again after all everyday is an endless journey to a lot of possibilities. Behind closed doors I let it all out the feeling that for the first time in a very long time I'm confronted with a certain anxiety that pushed into shoved. It's not that I'm overreacting in a way I'm not supposed to be but this is the only thing I have and the only thing I can do. The problem with getting used in an everyday working routine in any kind of work you have you tend to cling to it. It becomes a part of your system which you really looking forward to mostly everyday.

Having this disability for quite in my entire life the internet serves as my rear view mirror to the world, a unique platform to express my thoughts in either way I wanted to do, plus this is where I can find my voice to make a difference in my own little ways. So, right now feels like my work is on pending. Everything works in this web system which only a few people in my life would understand as much as I tried to. I don't know. I just missed those quiet mornings curling up to read a book, little kitties running at my feet, enjoying the scorching sun outdoor so I pay a visit. A couple of brisk walk is still the best after I felt the sweat touching my brows. It is said that the morning sun (UV Light)is a great source of vitamin D which is good for the bones. Ideally for those weakling like me who is afraid having a few bruises in the knees when I was little. Mind you, I still love doing it, being with nature, a few hours of sitting in the bench at porch while watching the bystanders passing by. It just left me with a smile thinking if life could only be less a complicated if patterned under the laws of nature, simple but exceptional... No other word I can add up to that. It pretty much sums up this whole past few weekdays. Do you think I really need a life? Oh, come on...

Lost in the World of Grown-Up-Wannabes

I hope my absence from blogging doesn't make you alarm or anything. No, I didn’t jump off a cliff or locked up myself (almost!) in a darkened room. Calm down. I’m just exaggerating things lately.

Have you ever been attached to anything or someone in your life and you cannot let go?

Yes, most of us did. As a matter of fact, we all do. Probably, one of the easiest questions everyone can relate. It's not that I lost today my "junk car" which I had since college - doesn't mean I'll be sorry for the rest of my life. I will always remember that morning and evening class that my body almost dropped off from tiredness and that car somehow serves all the comfort I can get. I remember those errands to one building to next feels like I'm always cramming for the time not to be late on the next class. Elevators are not being good to me as well because every time I walked in first all eyes on me as if I've done something wrong. But all is well now. That's just my memories of my school days - all the gains and pains of being a student.

Well, what happen happens. Anyway, there's no use in crying over spilled milk. I just don't have any means to decide for myself right now. I never own me. I was caught in a situation where my best is not good enough. I strive to the best of my abilities and even to the degree that I forgotten that this is only where I'll ever be. No better. No worse. It's really hard to keep up in the world of grown ups - where I'm surrounded by a lot of grown-up-wannabes. Most likely if my teachers in high school as well in college would know I write for a living they will surely said I'm making up all this crap. All my apologies for not being the soundest in mind today but it doesn't mean I nearly lost my sanity! Heaven forbid. Well, one of those rough days again. I've been caught off guard along the tides of so many issues and dilemmas I dare to leave at the back of my head. If only I can brushed it off and be gone by the wind forever; it's like waking up in the morning - the feeling when you open your eyes feels like nothing ever happens from the day after tomorrow. Not until you have eaten your breakfast and everything sinks in all the matters of the day. It's feels good waking up those mornings just knowing how on earth you still blessed with the gift of life amidst all the fuzz. So far, I didn't follow a time schedule these days I live one day at a time. Pretty much making the most of it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I don't know. I just turned twenty-three this month its somehow unnecessary to mention but I guess it sucks how I am starting to take things so seriously just like grown-up-wannabes do. I don't want to be like them. But I don't have no choice. Either I'll be keeping up or be lost in this battle of everything.