Here I am again?!

Finally, I'm back in my personal writing space.. I've been blog-less for quite some time now. I just don't know what to write anymore. Feels like nothing much new though as I turn around so many things has changed. Some for the better and some for worse but not really.

I'm just trying to exaggerate things as I have the tendency to think irrational. I am on my own sort of bubble at times where no one can comprehend. I'm pretty much weird, huh?!

Being the person that I am living one day at a time is never a big issue. I just go on with the day whatever goes through with it. Always expect the unexpected. A roller coaster ride of emotion seems also a struggle from day to day. I just don't let anyone ruin what I had started during that day no matter how good or bad it is.

Now as I am writing this the wifi is currently acting up its connection so I have to save it as a file so I won't start all over again.

There you go, these same old brand new issues more of like a quarter life crises in the making here, there and everywhere. Plus, online work is not working very well lately these past few months. I hope this storm will pass us through as I'm really trying my best to diversify and all that jazz but not an easy thing to do. It would take a lot of work. You have to stick to your goal and be consistent with it so that later on you will reap the fruits of your labor.

Giving up is never in my vocabulary, hopefully I won't eat the my word coming out of my big mouth. I also tried to do some art these days although I've never been the artsy fartsy person I'm telling you my passion and desire was there. I'm kidding about myself but it is true.

Yes, that's the wonders of self promotion right there. I'm hoping I can sustain in this business of kissing ass or should I say kicking ass.. This is nothing personal it is just a job that happens to be in the internet where I live and breathe in the past five years and it is going to be my sixth year this year. How time flies.

Well, I have no any other way. So I beg your pardon if it all sounds so plain and boring to you. This is my life so I'm living it and I've learned to deal with it. Oy!

life is a matter of choice

Still stoked with the things going on in real life lately. I just can't keep my track on working online, blogging, my little sister flew to Finland and now enrolling a couple of classes online.

Macha, bathing himself. Yikes! Too cute for me.:)

I guess, from time to time we all need to find out ourselves that sort of level of growth in everything we do. Making the most of this life and what it has to offer. Thinking outside the box which some might say can be really liberating although at times it depends on the confinement you opt to yourself nor sometimes or most of the time you don't have a choice.

Oh well. I can whine and get angry and be bitter at myself the whole day and bawl my eyes off from crying for no certain reason at all. Then there's this so-called choice gets into the picture that everything in life is a matter of choice. I can chose to stay in my couch and sleep all day intentionally and ignore everyone whose calling on the phone by not answering back. I can do that for sure.

It just that its tiring to get involve nowadays in everyone's problems. For the most part, people's choices are always the ones prevail. It's always been that way. Don't worry I'm learning to muster up everything.

I will write more soon. I'm stuck in a writing bug for quite a long time. Pretty much obviously I had a boring life.

Adios.

The Things I Supposedly Learned about LIFE

I didn't wrote this one. I randomly read it somewhere on somewhere else's blog. But this is what somehow speaks my heart lately and some that comes up to my realization lately.. More lately's.

I've learned that....

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is to be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. 


No matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. And it's not the end of the world.


It takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it.


It's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.


You shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.


It's not what happens to people, it's what they do about it.


No matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.


You should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.


You can keep going long after you think you can't.


Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.


There are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.


Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.


True friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.


No matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.


It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.


No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.


Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.


Just because two people argue, it doesn't mean that they don't love each other.


Just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.


Sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.


Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.


No matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.


Your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.


Even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.


That writing as well as talking can ease emotional pains.


That the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.


It's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings, and standing up for what you believe.


And most of all to love and be loved..


There goes the learning about life never stops as the possibilities are endless. 

When age is a dreadfully dreaded number

The trouble in listening to sappy love songs is that it makes you teary eyed, runny nose, and it can almost breaks you down all of a sudden with or without a definite reason into a series of emotional uphill climb.

Thanks to Steven Curtis Chapman’s I will be here then a quick switch to head banging sound of Kings of Leon – that is pretty much on my random boring playlist lately. I won’t mind. Good times.

Now the dreadfully dreaded day is here. I know, age is just a number.Well, it's a little too early anyways I rather post it or I may end up procrastinating later on. It’s not like a mid-quarter life crisis but you know the feeling when you reached that certain age you start to wonder and question yourself. What’s going on? Am I living it right? It’s just okay when you are just eighteen don’t worry I still live with my parents and you still have one year to go before you’re on your twenties. Then when you are on your twenties you have to endure the frustrations of finishing school and finding work and all other jazz.

As for me it’s a different case. It’s a life in between the trivial and the road less traveled by many.

If you haven’t realized I’ve been insane a very long time ago. I just manage to win back my composure after being hit by a couple of surgeries and anesthesia and pain relievers and maybe a couple of divine interventions.

Please give the credit to a lot of amazing people in my life online and offline who fought and brave all the storms of life with me when I felt like I’m almost in the verge of giving up.

Time flies swiftly when you seem too much busy with life even if it feels like nothing is going on presumably after the day and the other. I guess, I sort of get used to the bubble for quite a long time now for me to get adjusted to the everyday routine after a couple of years of health-issues, online work and house musings simultaneously sometimes things kind of messed up. Pretty much it becomes part of my system which I never taken so seriously just like being in a room full of people you have even barely know. Every day feels like a brand new day and it is. Never withhold the enthusiasm of the kid in you from being curiously delighted in everyday life.


Of course, don’t take yourself often too seriously. Yes, I'm guilty because I always taken things so seriously.

Don’t get me wrong but I’m enjoying all the craziness somehow with a bit tad of dramas and exaggerations in a written word compare it halfway in real life.

It’s never too late to be grateful for who you are and what you ought to be and most especially to those people who never get tired believing in your potentials as a person as well those who don’t appreciate and believe. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what they’re thinking it doesn’t define you as a person anyway so better be good and cultivate your ideals and even accept the simplest and the least way that you can do.

And when everything becomes a blur, I’m opt to have some breather for awhile and in any case I just sleep or curl up myself with a good book or else you’ll find me end up watching MasterChef or pet my cat in any time of the day.

(If you are allergic to cats or dogs we cannot get along. Pretty much it’s chaotic inside the house but fun and it is what makes it homey.)

There it boils to one thing I’m pretty normal now I guess doing some reality check right there.

Though I admit it’s painful to read the past entries and I rather not wrote anything too personal but it is some sort of an aid to the road of healing. It’s not that I committed anything disgraceful in my life but this is me and this is what reality bites when you stricken with a disease and you can’t find your way out to be heard that can almost weaken all your ability you have no resort but to trust your guts and your intuition that eventually things will matter in the end.

Hang in there, Linchpins (as the famous Seth Godin puts it).

The Best Things in Life are FREE

It’s a way past the new years where everyone gets giddy and I’m supposed to compose something to stop myself from bothering whatsoever. Then I thought I better not make a resolution this time around feels like every day for me becomes a major resolution for all the things I’m wishing for, worked for, hoped for and ever cared for. Pretty much an emotional roller coaster ride, mishaps adventures and blessings in disguise all rolled into one rocked my 2010. Though the best way to end it is by counting down the things I’ve always been grateful for because it is what makes the person I am today so far the better version of me. As much as I’ve never mentioned before that I eventually learned to appreciate the little things in life like what they say, the best things in life are free.

It’s never too late to learn the art of forgiving yourself, laughing at yourself and for having that tolerance in dealing with people no matter what they would cast on you. It’s always been nice to be a hopeful dreamer even if things won’t go your way there will always a plenty of room for improvement. Just know your passion and that you are born for a certain purpose whether you know it or not right away eventually things will reveal in God’s time. Life is never meant to be a smooth sailing journey but roads that are full of dirt, rocks and narrow roads that are sometimes cold and dark outside. That is when you have to muster up, find the courage and trust the guts you have inside that you can carry on. Yes, definitely it’s a tough road but once you cross the line and find your place into sun that is when you will become alive. It’s not that I’ve been dead for many years ago but as the years past and as you become years older and wiser, you will just know what I am talking about, I bet you!

Just go for it! Strike while the iron is hot…

Remember no disability and rejection can ever stop you from reaching your goals and hone your craft in the best way you can do who knows it could be the next bestselling masterpiece in the making. Though I’ve been there that road before, I was broke and about to close the doors towards myself and in everything that came in my life whether that can help me to cope with the disability nor contribute in my growth as an individual. Now I just feel blessed to be surrounded by an awesome support group ever in my life and having to know that Jehovah exists that we are just a piece of clay that is needed to be molded by HIM. This time I don’t have to question. This time I don’t want to ask. This time I understand.

I guess, that’s the way it is everything comes in a perfect timing and the best thing in living this life is that we always have an option and choices to make. When one door closes in one way or another door will definitely opens you’ll never know there’s always an endless possibility.

This time let me stick to my goals first and let’s see what happens next…

It’s a BADD DAY! You heard it right, Blogging Against Disable-ism Day 2010!

Tempus Fugit! Times flies as the phrase implies who would’ve thought another BADD Day has gone by?

I remember writing an entry last year in the same exact date, in the same exact location though pretty much I feel like a different person today.

To give you an idea to what BADD Day is, it’s basically a day for blogging about disability related experiences, awareness; empowerment, eradication, discrimination and issues confront a disabled person in this mixed up world.

Somehow, I’ve grown a lot in educating myself about disability in general as well as about my condition having Idiopathic Carpotarsal Osteolysis which is very much rare in the world chances are. As much as that I can say the level of acceptance on my part eventually came on the surface that when you are midst of a tough situation you just know to yourself that this is just a phase or stage of what you are going through. We all go through different stages in our life some brought us to the worst and yet some still brought the best in us.


Since I wrote that entry online I met the wonderful Svarre family from Denmark one day through a message in a social networking site Facebook from Michael that his son Magnus also had the same diagnosis as mine after reading and moved by the information in my blog all about “Idiopath” well that’s how I call myself and I felt it is the much acceptable shorter term for a medical condition which a few people even barely know.

It’s a great feeling to read on a message that people actually read my blog and the fact that a father’s love to his son that despite all the difficulties he’s very much willing to understand of what his son is going through especially in the nature of this condition once you are being struck when you are a kid sooner or later you will feel pain all over your feet, knees, hands and until you can hardly walk in your both feet and knees. It sucks the life in you and you have no one you can ever turned to but your parents who doesn’t even have any idea that their son’s or daughter’s life can never the same again.

It's a great feeling to know that I'm not alone in this battle against disable-ism and its not over yet. There is someone out there who finally heard my voice that I actually can talk to relate whatever we are going through and what every parent has to go through in fighting this idiopathic disease or unknown cause. With all this cause that my own parents had gone through is very much a hard ordeal to shoulder with. As years goes on, I learned to appreciate more whenever I see parent's of special children that have to undergo their own kind of trauma in searching the answers to their child's medical condition.

With all those confusion in my parent's mind, you should expected it because I live in a country where the health and social security system is unstable to provide for its citizen as well for those disabled individuals and not to mention about the education and nourishment.

Let alone these disability statistic in the Philippines speaks for itself as of 2005:


1) There are an estimated 7.5 million Filipinos with disabilities in 2000 based on the World Health Organization’s assumption that 10% of every country’s population has some form of disability. In 2004, the Filipinos with disabilities would reach about 8.3 million.

2) The Government estimates that 70% of those with disabilities live in rural areas where services are often not accessible.

3) Past attempts to include persons with disabilities in national census surveys have not been successful for many reasons, including the refusal of families to declare that they have members with disabilities.

4) The 1990 census of population and housing indicated that there were about 755,000
persons with disabilities, only 1% of the country’s population based on the same census.

5) A national registration conducted by the Department of Health in 1997 showed that there were 469,707 persons with disabilities. This figure was not officially recognized.

6) The persistent armed conflicts and bombing incidents in the southern part of the country are expected to increase the number of persons with disabilities.

Having mention this statistics, it's a wake up call for the people in the Philippines that we are also part of the issue here. This is something to think about especially in the upcoming 2010 Philippine Presidential Election on whom do you think among the 2010 Presidential candidates can contribute to a change for our people and at least to our rotten system. I may not be a know it all person equipped with all the political knowledge but somehow keeping these consideration in mind will definitely make a big difference.

Thank you for reading my entry for this year's BADD Day!

I hope you learned something at the glimpse of my side of the world. Yes, times are tough but only tough people will do. Never, never, never give up! I heard someone said that to me. A well done advice.

Disability Statistics Courtesy of Disabled People and Development

Sadness, the real deal..

Sadness begets sadness.

Still struck with the happenings of the day pretty much on an emotional level of attachment when you are kid you tend to linger for something so precious like a pet that you can’t hold on onto even for a minute. Though not a kid anymore just a 24 year old kid that is! Just the thought of it left me totally feeling exhausted being the most emotional person that I am, I’m sure you can just imagine the throw of emotion I can show you.

I just know when something is wrong with me when I tend to act the opposite and verge on the hype of everything I do while coping up in a certain situation. Have you ever had of those episodes as a defense mechanism? Instead of focusing on the negative facets of life, you tend to see things in a different perspective and in a much brighter light that somehow everything happens for a reason crap mentality. It surge you to accept the level of reality that, No, there’s got to be a way better than this or else I have no choice. That’s why some turn into food or anything that can lead you out into that deep, dark room of depression eventually piling up on your way before you even discover, you are waiting to explode.

Having said that, it’s all some kind of observation when the going gets tough, the tough gets going in real life which can be draining at times. It sucks the life in you. Pretty much the life I tried to live in right now. So far, I don’t have the right complain for the thing I can do and cannot do for it pushes me to strive for more and hunger for that deprivation whatever it is. Though in some cases, I try not to focus on the things that can shake my faith as a person as long I still have the people who are also with me at my worst and at my best most especially I’m pretty much okay on that.

I believe that you don’t need to rush things to get hold the goal you are anticipating for as long as you work harder on your craft no one has the right to question your ability as you serve it right. Now I’m trying to focus on the more free-spirited me which I need to contemplate on that surreal level of myself in the near future.

You can never be the person you ought to be in a matter of minutes or days; well it takes time to get used to yourself for whatever you want to do. But the toughest game to do is to know exactly what you wanted to do. It sounds like the much complicated me but the thought of typing those words is what I really mean to say. It’s hard to do when you don’t know what’s in there and what you wanted to do.

Well, that is very me in the past few years of verging and searching thoroughly the purpose why I’m still here and what can I do to make a difference to the people that surrounds even for my own little way. Though still didn’t did much in this life but somehow I’d learned something to be matured enough to say that we should know our goal, our purpose and find a way to act on it. Though there’s still people who are very much widely awake but don’t even opening up their senses that they need to be responsible on their actions no matter what it is. I’m quite puzzled how they seem to wake every morning, go to work and do their job but the real passion is not there and they can even hurt you until you can never be the same again…

With my Martini at home

PS: RIP Martini & One Eye. I'll sorely miss you both...

Reflections of 2009

As majority of you might already done planning out your 2010 to-do list added some unresolved resolutions for the whole year round, I was thinking of boycotting the things I was expected to do or maybe not.



I felt so uncertain these days if I ever wanted a resolution in the first place. More often it came out as self-agreement of the things you wanted to do but chances are circumstances failed you in one way or the other. I just can’t stand to be forever bugged myself about what must be, should be and would be expected of me. A snap back of reality that we must embrace life as it comes everyday as a gift and better make the most of it.

Now we are entering into greater heights, a new century indeed as they say. Eventually because of all the things that went through the past year it made us into a better person than we are before. There are lessons learned, unfinished business, failed relationships, loss of a loved one, un-mend broken hearts, irreparable grudges and differences and the list goes on.. I must tell you it was never sound as easy listing on as all the memories as it brings all back to life. Picture yourself, into the depth of the situation feels like it’s the point of no return as it sucks all the life in you and the easiest escape you can ever found knowing to yourself that this too shall pass. I call it “madness”.

I guess, the madness is still there. It clings and it subsides. Though I am not complaining because it is what makes me more grateful to where I am now and to the amazing Mom who knew how to fight for her right and her children amidst chaos having a dysfunctional family. It was never her fault even though she shared her own shortcomings as well. I witness the sleepless nights dreading herself on what exactly went wrong in a relationship she’d given all her best. Our story might be a typical lonesome one but since it is my blog I have all the right to blog about it. Call it venting, a lame excuse, or another depressing entry again from me although it is a new year. So what?



Having your voice heard is what I got from her. We share the same passion to fight what is right even though it often leads us into a compromising situation. It felt good to see how we brave all the storms together to the pursuance of my education up to the chances of finding the right treatment and medication of this rare genetic bone disease. Pretty much my life depends on to those people who know how to cherish and treasured me as a person in my own little ways. Before I didn’t get the idea of why I am becoming so dependent a lot of times and why can’t I do some stuff on my own and be independent as much as I’d like to. I was bitter. I was helpless as I can ever be. I was basically the most pathetic person you’ll ever know on earth.

It’s not that I don’t dare to be open, it’s just that things doesn’t properly sink into me that sometimes life throws us anything. It can hit you real hard maybe throw you under the bus but it doesn’t mean you have to be stuck and be stranded in your so-called “madness”. I realized as they say, “No man is an island”. We depend on each other people in a good way. That is why I wouldn’t close my door in anything like new ideas for a new project, interacting to people, or maybe be more approachable this time. I don’t know. Most of the time, I lack the courage to be myself and I’m just so hard to deal with..

On the spiritual side, I must say having to know the TRUTH gave me the confidence to face whatever goes through the day and somehow keeping me grounded whenever I lost the sense of ability to discern the difference between love and hatred, fairness and equality, good and evil, finding good things in the hearts of people I came across. I was a social snob and prefer to work on my conversations in a written word rather than shout it all out. Though I totally admit I am not perfect I often can easily get irritated by petty things that doesn’t deserve to be. Anyway, it is not to be mentioned here. As I am reflecting after being 8 years in the truth, the more you draw yourself closer to Jehovah the enemies will make everything harder for you even though it varies from one struggle to the other. I felt being matured spiritually is not measured on how you are being nice to every single person you meet or how many hours you do in the ministry but on how you practice what you preach. I guess, that is the hardest part I ever did in the last year, well mostly every day. We need long suffering even harder today more than ever. But only Jehovah does see our hearts and knows all our intentions and it just melts my heart on how HE never fails us. I guess, that is the faith that moved my life to make me win every day life’s battle. Let’s keep ourselves be enlighten by the amazing God’s word. It is a refuge we can ever grasp and somehow it will straighten your path.

And for all the joy, disappointments, heartaches, grudges, hatred, appreciation, love and friendships and all of the above happened last year and those that are not needed to be mentioned here somehow let’s charge everything to experience.



Don’t cringe! I’m still the average everyday sane psycho you’ll ever think of and to those who knew me personally just meet me halfway!

When all else fails, just breathe...

Nobody saw it coming. The storm has came and another has gone by. Maybe not yet. Anyway, it's quite fascinating to see the morning sun again, behind those transparent overcast blue skies. Somewhat hiding in the past couple of days from where am at.

Tirelessly, we prayed and prayed for another day in history hoping we can still be a part of it. I've never been a believer of the word 'lucky' but if there's a better way of describing it it would be that we are still blessed to be here more than anything else.

Just about now, I'm sitting here pondering how life's lessons old and new can let you see things in the other way around. Sometimes, you have to go through something you never felt before no matter what it is before you even realizes that maybe things have to go on purpose and maybe full of maybe's.

Some sort of finding the reason out of everything why things didn't meant to be or no matter how you tried to patch things up it falls down to nothing but silence. I barely find it hard to relate in all sorts of people in my life in general. I'm totally out of the loop! I don't know. It's not that I dare to isolate myself in a form isolation that I created myself but it always seems that way. An isolation I never chose to be an option it just came out and leading me nowhere. I don't want to call it very much destructive in a manner that I can always find a way to handle it one day at a time.

There are just some things that is so hard to explain to everyone. I can name all the issues and discuss the same issues all over again. Though times are changing I felt that I am not. I felt that I'm forever bridging a gap that I didn't know where to find even myself where am standing at.

It took me years and years to realize that people do change in many ways some for the better and there are some for the worse. The worst part is that I'm stuck somewhere in the middle where you can do nothing but to hope that you did everything to reach out even though all these years things became monotonous as if the I'm one who created all the mess.

Somehow, I can call it wounds that we all have to patch it up and if you have all the guts and the courage to talk about it it is up to you. Wounds and issues basically comes synonymous on how the way you handle it. I'm fragile and easily be sensitive in handling issues I'm speaking of issues in general. The only consolation I have is that I knew I want it all to get it off my chest..

After all that I've said and done, I realize how I'm not liking the social media after all this time. I do tend to hate the hate out of me as if it's not the source of my bread and butter. I just don't like how the truth screaming so loud
in my face and that is left for me is to felt some kind of fear in a good way.

Surprisingly, the other day I was opt to stalk someone as I've never done it before. Never in my life, I've never had 'real enemies for me to take advantage of these social networking.. That is so far one confessions I dare to say.

Though as my intro lines sounds promising and optimistic as it does, I am very much still in a sound of mind. Thank you!

Since it's the 6th day of October, amidst all the chaos there are still enough reason to smile as there always will a silver lining at the end of the day.

* Finally reached the goal to Top 100 Giant Club. Some of you might already know that it has been two years now since I started working on writing web articles online. It is so far one of the finest job in the world that I foresee in the next couple of years maybe two to five years from now. Adsense is pretty much the language of the internet marketing nowadays. All you need to have is a properly working backlinks, sincere recommendation and just being yourself. That is what I think the best way to sell yourself, your product and whatever you are born to do.

* I was thinking of coming up with my own website for various reasons. Methinks its more promising but I still need to learn all the proper tools out there that are available. An interactive, inspiring website domain would be sweet.

* Cutting off my TV time in the coming days to spend some time and to improve my style of writing. As well I will try not to let in my emotion (like today!?) get in the way as I went through the day.

* I'll be needing some discipline on how spend my time here also in the internet. No matter what I do I'm easily get lost browsing from one information to another. Multi tasking that is!

This is all in regards to my online projects here. I haven't thought about what's next but definitely everything is in the making.

Little Distractions

I tried to believe that today is much better than yesterday and it feels right...


Last night I found myself into a total exhaustion that I can't do nothing but to fell asleep in a much earlier time than I used to. I usually stay awake late hours after a couple hours of nap time to work on some new lens topic to prevent me from a bad case of procrastination. It is indeed a hard habit to break when it feels like I'm always caught off guard of what to write about in a days I badly needed it.

Anyway, I'm taking all the time I have here to be more productive hoping things will eventually put into place. I guess, that's just the way things are sometimes. The more it came unplanned the more it ease us up that it is going to be great amidst all the chaos of how it came to be. The same way how we came to be in this life somehow at first things came unclear and unplanned and then later on we realize how we are being part of a majestic plan that we are in this earth to have something to live for just like a purpose of making a difference. It doesn't matter how or when it came to be but the important thing is how everything came to finish. As I rest all my thoughts on the road to positivity that nothing can take away my peace somehow it took some time for me to realize how little distractions can easily bugged the hell out of me. It is like a monster underneath my bed waiting for me knowing I can't run.. I can't back out.. I can't hide anywhere of my own ordeal.

Frustrating how I tend to overlook at myself in this kind of situation where mostly the feeling of could have been, would have been and should have been enters at the back of my head though I am still living my own life one day at a time. I still put on the same clothes, put on the same smile, put on the same beggar's determination; as a way to cope up with the disability I'm trying to live with everyday. Not quite sure why I said that I'm very much still a normal person inside, because I really do. I digress. More often so far I'm still blessed sitting here pouring down all my heart into something I really enjoyed most. Maybe if I am not disabled I won't be here to share a story. My kind of story.

Goodbye August!

I guess, it’s now time to brush up this empty page. I don't know. For quite some time I feel like there's something within me that holding me up from writing on what concerns me at the end of the day.

Not sure why. Maybe because after all that is said and done I'm still blessed to be here and so far things are working on the way that is opt to be expected. There are certain things in life that is part of the madness that for the moment no matter how you tend to control it, it’ll therefore passes by after the long run of holding unto it… You therefore accept the things beyond your control but to accept. Everything becomes a matter of mind set to move on forward to what is more important in your life right now. There are still constant restraints along the way but it is what makes you a much better person without counting down the bruises. After all the while, it is indeed a lesson learned. That is how I would sum up the month of August.

Most of the time, I wrote things that reflects my personal way of life, my hopes and fears, the oddities I’m living in the past twenty three years of my life, the disability that pushed me away to enjoy the life of an average person does as well some of the tad part is not totally mine but from those amazing people that I happened to meet along this so-called “life”. Now I need to gather up my thoughts to positivity for this month and for the coming months so that whatever crisis arise I’ll not lose my sense of composure to stand the overpowering pressure from the outside forces. Don’t you think I need a break? There are days I how wish I could go time travel if there’s something like that is possible. What a sweet escape!

Today is a wet day. Gloomy rainy days are pretty much the weather lately. It goes to show that we are coming to the last quarter of the year when the weather a bit colder than the usual tropical sunny days. So far, I’m glad that my work is at home. Too many things to write about but I got a limited time up and down in my chair. Sleeping is pretty much a routine how I wish I can easily spend more in days when I can easily catch it. I’m more of a night person nowadays that makes this a perfect job in the world!

Finally, I got great treat none other than a new spankin’ mini laptop for work courtesy of Mom. I’ve been craving for this so so many many months now. After all the long patience and hard work, the fruit of labor is finally here... Sweet!

Gotta go back to my online writing projects now. Trying myself to busy..

I hope the sun shines from where you're at.

Inner politics is for ugly people

Changing times are inevitable. As well as the global economy is on recession. Someone might say that it is much better to be optimistic and have bigger hearts in the midst of a crisis like this. How is this? Again, it is hypocrisy not to think about the things that can provide us all the opportunity to a better life. As long as we worked hard on it, learned to balance our time and took on the faith that everything will fall into place as something on God’s purpose.

Oh well! Politics are for ugly people only. I tried to believe so and I'm not into much arguments and discussion lately. That's what you get when you attached yourself in this crazy either you can win nor lose.

So never argue at all unless it is seriously needed! Darn.

Off topic, this week I haven't started much a bit on the lens work. Still I'm not easily get the things done once I started something new distractions comes my way from here and there. I've learned a lesson to never let anyone take away your composure especially on the issues suddenly surfacing. I'm a sucker for a little less nonsense things and I admit I am easily get affected with issues. How I wish I can be a tougher skin as EVER!

Focus, focus, focus!

Cycle of madness

It’s a fine Saturday evening but why am I feeling stressed out and feeling a little bit of everything?

I’m tired of this humungous feeling of tiredness streaming out of nowhere. Period.

That’s why suddenly I felt that my system doesn’t work on the way it should. My mind can’t easily digest concepts of information I’m opt to do in writing as well in my future online projects. I’ve been doing some inner reassessment of how I’m doing with my life and everything in it. I was raised as someone to be the believer of things that somehow things might come my way hopefully. It was the same trait that both my parents would love to see me as someone who puts everything unresolved in the hands of the Most High. I guess, I did what I did to be the best that I can ever be.



For the most part, finding your inner peace sometimes can be deceiving and it is something you own when you are little and all of a sudden you grew up someone stole it away from you. No matter what you do, you still need to earn it as something worth of the price you pay. It’s just sad how we abruptly succumb to the change in the circumstances as if we have no choice with no resolution or whatsoever until you will never be the same again.

I don’t know. It seems that within me there are still so many things I need to absorb to let go like the certain madness that comes and goes. Maybe it’s neither all just a bad case of PMS nor a mental block overdue towards exhaustion. It was given that I’ve never been a healthy kid when I was child nor even I was while growing up. Little distractions easily puts me down in a certain manner that I really tried to hold everything in like everyone else. I remember the old high school days when I was being underestimated as a person who doesn’t have high regards in the knowledge of Algebra and all the academic nine yards in Mathematics. They try to measure my abilities in numbers as if it’s all that means in the world. I remember myself sitting at the first row because allegedly being a disabled child I was the number one priority; but you are all wrong. I never asked or begged people for them to prioritize me in the first place. If they doesn’t like the way I carry myself it doesn’t matter if I’ll be left alone forever on my own. Likewise, I’ve never been a good competitor while pursuing my academic pursuits.

Thinking way back then, it’s probably the most boring phase of my life nothing else.
Like what I said, perhaps it is all part of a madness that I need to go through. So far, I’m already done with it. But another milestone I still need to carry on every day. Life is pretty much a cycle. A cycle that has a beginning and an end but it also leads you into a conclusion that whatever you are right now it doesn’t fine you at all as a person...

Having said that, I'm ready to retire to my bed and call this "A Day!"



Breathe.
When all else fails, just breathe.
Live life as it is your last day earth.

Bridging the gap

After all the news of social media networking hiccups surfacing, it finally took its toll on me. I can’t remember when was the last time I had a few casual conversation with those people closed to my heart face to face. Well, except with the ones I had with mom a few hours ago and the tireless chattering with the busy buddies at home which leaves me to realize that I’m not invisible after all. The people in general that we encounter had this sort of connection to communicate, to inspire and to influence us even at a certain time of the day.



I don’t know. There are days when I really don’t feel like to be involved anymore. It’s not that I’m trying to reject any personal commendation or I’m not being grateful to them; I guess I’m just tired. Almost every day, I’m learning to bridge the gap between my own fears of uncertainty, the gap being in the world of abled people as well as forgiving myself which is the hardest thing to do at the end of the day. Some might say, how can you forgive others when you cannot forgive yourself? That is the question, I’m always asking. Had I given my best shot in everything that I can do today? What I am grateful for? Why can’t I find the courage to talk to my father in regards to all my deepest concerns? Have I done enough for all the special people that surrounds me including my mom to be proud of me as her daughter? What is my worst that I badly needed to change? How to let go of the things beyond my control and be passive if there’s no choice? Am I still ready to take risk like I did before?

Mostly, questions come up to me in a various ways and occasions. Writing about it serves as my way of contemplating on how life play smoothly as it is or am I getting there to where I’m supposed to be. The thing with writing your thoughts it comes and it goes sometimes it does give me a hard time to pinpoint on which is which I am anxious about that certain day. If I’m going to write it chronologically in a journal which I’d already done a few years back with my old notes, it would definitely take me some time to divert it as words don’t come easy at times. It’s like talking to the same old brand new person you once knew before but there you are you cannot grasp the right words. That is how I felt right now. Feels like I’m navigating through distant waters which I don’t know if I’m just trivializing things that is not going to happen at all. I guess, that’s how I would define my own set of hopes and fears...

For the meantime, let me leave it all behind this open page. Hopefully, someday I’ll get there to bridge the gap and wishing that this is all just nightmares in my wildest dreams.

Look who’s talking?

Breathe.

the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak

Darn for all the days of absence in blogging and for doubting myself at times. But on the lighter side, absence is not all bad. I'm doing a series of naps or sleeps whatever you call it, in the afternoon curling up with a good book and it really increases my appetite for anything nonsense that goes through the day. How about that? I don't know if it really matters for doing me any good.

It's just that there are days when I felt like I'm stuck somewhere that I can't nearly start my day right off to where I wanted it to be. As they say, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak so I'm trying to convince myself that everyday is worth a try no matter what holds you of doing the last time.

I notice that since this month has started I haven't done any new pages yet on Squidoo or more often than not I'm not nearly done on updating those previous 80+ pages. It's not that I'm in a hurry myself or anything I just hope I wasn't neglecting in anything not just in Squidoo rather most especially in the so-called 'real-life outside'.

I'm sure I do all have the time. No, I'm not that bored. I'm actually enjoying the loads of stuff I'm learning on the way and the more I work on learning new things I learned that it is meant to be earned that way and that there is no such thing as tough things in life that you cannot do when you have eagerness and determination.

At the end of the day, you only got yourself not to compare with others but to trust that voice within yourself that you can do even the hardest things you thought you cannot do...

still trying to untangled up

Time to brush off these empty page. I totally miss my "work" here online for quite some time I found myself in a series of unfortunate events that drastically change my everyday routine.

Anyway, how I'm blessed to be here and definitely tomorrow is another day.

Summer is ending soon. Aw, how many times I have to say that. It's not even summer. Weather change. Feels like I'm always on the run for things, for people and for nonsense. Sometimes, keeping up with the madness can be so tiring at times. I'm tired of arguments and I'm tired of arguing back.

Sometimes, the best way to win all the battles is just to sit in the corner and formulate new ideas as your defenses. But most of the time, I'm not the type who would just back down and shut down everything. I maybe small or naive at times but that doesn't mean I would just tolerate and let them step on me.

Yes, I'm still trying to untangled up this week. I will be back soon.. There's more to write and more battles to overcome. Oh gosh!

When social norms is too much to bear

Sometimes, we cared too much on what people may think about on us the way we manage our thoughts as if there’s no room for improvement. It’s not that I care less to the norms of the truth I’ve always believing in. I don’t know. Anyway, it’s not something to bugged me that I owe everybody an explanation for things that is happening beyond or not beyond my will as for the moment no matter what it is.



After all this is still my life and I’m sticking to it. Now I know now why people tend to escape “social norms” as if it sucked up everything in your potential for the most part we all do deserve to achieve that level of growth within and out of ourselves as long as it doesn’t compromise the welfare of the others.

It is so many times I’ve heard them say, “Think outside the box, you’ll never know what it is in there maybe endless possibilities.” Don’t let anyone mold you for who you are not. For the moment you let them, they might take away the life in you. Who would want to be a walking doll that is forever dependent to his masters? Even if you are un-capable of doing things your own, you are still a valuable weak vessel in the eyes of Jehovah. Even God himself would want us to see things on our own balancing whether if behind all the darkness there’s still beauty that lays on every deceptive part. He never ever dictates. I tried to believe so that we all do have our own stories to tell, things to shout-out into the world even though we are not sure how. In my case, I did try writing my thoughts in a blog like this or any topic close my heart on the things I loved to do. Though I’m not still the grandest with all this things at the end of the day it’s a great feeling that before you go to sleep you have something to share to the rest of the world whether they will read it or not. It doesn’t matter. Leave an impact. Make a difference. Be the change you want to see to the world. Most of all be you, not anyone else.

This is all I can say I’m not perfect and you are not perfect either. We are both having these same genes and shared our strengths and weakness. It’s really up to us on how we will let ourselves be molded by the good and the bad this system has to offer. You know what I did? I’m not also picking up all the good things but also the bad things in a sense that it serves me a lesson. It’s not that I’m repeating my bad choices its how we manage to pick out the positive out from the negative. Somehow, I know the real world is very much different how they will treat me if I am also able-bodied like them. I can almost imagine the difference but sometimes I imagine myself being normal working in a much different office unlike what I do at home well not thinking about the pressure everyday but still have a lot of difference. I don’t know. Sometimes, you just can’t stop thinking if things will be different. Have you?

Anyway, I just said that. That doesn’t mean a sour note to end this entry. It’s just a part of what I call “a day in the life” for me. It isn’t that grand or something. Or even my words is too plain for you but it’s worthwhile when someone wasting time with me. Tomorrow will be a different case.