Too tired to think.

Probably, it must have something to do with the weather. It's kinda lame, lazy and lethargic to begin with all the fuzz of the day. The heavy thunder storms in the afternoon is too much to handle. 

This post is supposed to be posted yesterday but the connection has been on and off. I'm working on diversifying online income these days so I'm managing my time although I blame procrastination at times. 

Well, that's life! I'll be back. :)

Cats and coffee is a perfect combo.

It's the time of the year again as much as I cringe the coming of these season I just can't believe we only got one or two days left before the end of 2012 (2013 feels like I'm not ready yet!).

Although having said that, haven't been here for quite awhile but I've always been here, there and everywhere. Cats and coffee is pretty much my best refuge these days. Does that make a perfect combo? Cats are chaotic sometimes and coffee stirs you up until you palpitate and gets you motivated to stay up all night and write. Did I say I'm such a night owl. In the finest hour of the night where everyone was asleep, I found myself puzzled weary why am I doing this for. It is given that I really need to work harder than anybody else I tried to rest my head to that thought. Whatever happens happens.

I feel much better today that I got the chance to get in touch again with special people in my life as it was supposed to be in the beginning. It's just that it is really hard to reach out especially when the gap is as almost as hard as the Great Wall of China I barely can get through. All I can do is to knock it out with all the strength that I have until it crack the surfaces at least to stop myself from breaking down. You cannot blame me when it comes to family it always tears me apart to the point of nervous breakdown. As it always been full of intermittent drama that is never ending. You should expect it.

This year is what a roller coaster ride of emotion. There are days feels like everything is so slow and there are days you really want to call it a day. Also, there are days feels like it easily gets into me so I ended up being tired getting stuck into this bubble or to what they call four corners. The routine can really burn you out to the extreme but so far that just me exaggerating things in my own perspective.

So consider this post as the usual everyday random rant post happens in the wee hours just to free my thoughts and to let go what is needed to let go at the end of the day.

Namaste. 

A quarter life crises of all sorts

I easily succumb to loneliness lately. It crept up and eaten me down like a hungry animal waiting to beaten on its prey. No, it's not loneliness before I knew it. It's a quarter life crises probably.

Check if you experience some of these:

Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include as described by Wikipedia.

confronting one's own mortality
insecurity concerning ability to love oneself, let alone another person
insecurity regarding present accomplishments
re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy (set aside this one for my own preferences, lol)
disappointment with one's job
nostalgia for university, college, high school, middle school or elementary school life
tendency to hold stronger opinions
boredom with social interactions
loss of closeness to high school and college friends
financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unexpectedly high cost of living)
loneliness, depression and suicidal tendencies
desire to have children
a sense that others are doing better than oneself
frustration with social skills

Probably, a quarter life crises are in the making on its way somewhat questioning things like, have I done enough to make it into this life. I guess, I’ve done my fair share of the things I can at least to make myself feel better. Let me took the credit for being some sort of a worrywart in this whole thing.

Now the realization is this: there’s no learning manual, tutorials or webinars that can actually lead you to conquer the highest mountain of fears towards the life in there at the other side. I knew from the start that things ain’t be easy for the moment I step out my comfort zones I have a freaking feeling that I really need to let go and it’s a point of no return as I heard my Mama said.

Twenty five years is not enough to learn all my lessons well and the hardest part of it is on how to keep up in this life.

Old and new resentments about my father still haunting me like I’m the biggest failure happen to his life. Physically I failed at some point for being the eldest daughter who should definitely take charge and look after the family’s welfare. But cheating is never a reasonable excuse. I know, how majority of men cheats nowadays (excuse me, I’m talking in general) but this should not be the case no one can stop a person for being a father, a father not in words but in deeds.

Anyway, who am I to find fault in anyone? Everything was just a plain observation of my spotless mind.

See, I will never learn.

How can you ever still loved a person who cause you so much pain?

As much as I tried to be reasonable at these times I can't seem to find the courage just to ignore everything as of all the person on earth why is he be the one who would cause me so much hurt churning me up inside in the least I expected.

I am choking somehow with sadness asking why eventually all things turned into this kind of mess my father has put us through. Never in my wildest thought I imagine seeing his pictures online with his other woman that kinda looked like a big internet scandal to me. It just losses everything I imagined him to be as this person who was deserving of our respect and attention being the great father he once was if there's a moment I can remember but sadly things buried forgotten. I know, I'm not the only one in this world in this kind of circumstances having these issues to their fathers that always been feels like a lifetime to me. It felt like a literal slap on the face for seeing how has life gave them more privileges that supposed to be where my place in the first place. Though I'm not the only one whose suffering the betrayal and being cheated by someone he promised to spend the rest of his life with. So, guys have you ever asked yourself a thousand times or even a million times before cheating on to your wife because everything has a matter of consequences whether you like or not.

I just told myself I'm a big girl so I better take the toughest skin as ever amidst the adversity coming on my way. As much as possible, I'm trying not to hate the person but hate the things about what he did because I don't tolerate things and justified what he did as some part of the norms that guys often particularly as them being father to cheat on your mother. I know one day things will be over someone would say. I just want to vent it all here because it is the only thing I have right in this moment I am writing this. So readers bear with me it's just one of those 'madness' again.. It just sucks really. Everything about it.

A Letter Attempt #1: Daughter to Father

Dear Pap,

Today as I am trying my best at least to make it all understand I suddenly I felt really tired thinking why things happen to be this way.. I've been trying to reach you in any means but I haven't even heard a single word from you. I know this may sound nothing to you and I know how you made things complicated for all of us. I am hurting by the hurt that you had cause at some point I am not the only one who are suffering with the pain and betrayal. I don't know if it's intentional or not I don't care but why does it have to be like a literal slap in the face.


I don't know to you but I am recalling all the good memories that we both shared as a family but it all seems vanished as I felt you just put everything into waste. What can I do? Maybe it is too late now. Somehow, the damage has been done. No more explanation needed. Isn't too obvious how you manage everything as if smoothly planned? How could do this to us? We don't have anything against you or caused you pain in any way or maybe in my part as your kid you had felt that I was failure. Yes, I've been a failure in so many ways. But I never turn my back with the reality that I had this disability that I have to go on with life like this. Pero ikaw you just left us hanging in the air.. Instead of holding us back even for sake of all the good memories that we had as a family.. You always turn us away.. Is that what is meant by your silence amidst in all this dilemmas. I am afraid of the person you are right now. It seems like I don't recognize you anymore.


I felt pity and scared for the future. I'm scared that because of all this we may lose everything or should say I already lose you as my father. I don't understand how this freedom made you into someone as you are right now. Some say that a parent's job is eternity. It is timeless and never ending. There are times I felt this void of absence of not having you in our life for quite some years now. Though it really doesn't matter in how you view it. As I am endless asking myself, do you ever miss me? Do ever take time to think about me? Do you ever cared if I can still make it through the day? And every time you are enjoying yourself with other's company or your son's company, do you ever think about me? us? Or do you ever take time to read my emails?

You don't know how I manage to spent the day in the little corner at home, in front of this dumb machine feels like my world goes by a slowly. I was sitting outside the porch the other day, I saw a girl like my age walking around with her group of friends talking about her someone special. I just thought maybe if things a little more different I can also be like that girl.. Somehow, I see myself in the shoes of that girl living life to the fullest though there maybe hardships along the way. It just reminds me of you how you are wasting your own life. Maybe I'm not the right person to tell you what's wrong and what is right. I guess, you should've know that.

Sorry for becoming too whiny in this email.. This is the only way I can think of to let it all out and somehow to reach out to you.. I hope one day we can possibly found the healing in each of our hearts.

Time can tell if all wounds heal and everything restored.

Bridging the gap

After all the news of social media networking hiccups surfacing, it finally took its toll on me. I can’t remember when was the last time I had a few casual conversation with those people closed to my heart face to face. Well, except with the ones I had with mom a few hours ago and the tireless chattering with the busy buddies at home which leaves me to realize that I’m not invisible after all. The people in general that we encounter had this sort of connection to communicate, to inspire and to influence us even at a certain time of the day.



I don’t know. There are days when I really don’t feel like to be involved anymore. It’s not that I’m trying to reject any personal commendation or I’m not being grateful to them; I guess I’m just tired. Almost every day, I’m learning to bridge the gap between my own fears of uncertainty, the gap being in the world of abled people as well as forgiving myself which is the hardest thing to do at the end of the day. Some might say, how can you forgive others when you cannot forgive yourself? That is the question, I’m always asking. Had I given my best shot in everything that I can do today? What I am grateful for? Why can’t I find the courage to talk to my father in regards to all my deepest concerns? Have I done enough for all the special people that surrounds me including my mom to be proud of me as her daughter? What is my worst that I badly needed to change? How to let go of the things beyond my control and be passive if there’s no choice? Am I still ready to take risk like I did before?

Mostly, questions come up to me in a various ways and occasions. Writing about it serves as my way of contemplating on how life play smoothly as it is or am I getting there to where I’m supposed to be. The thing with writing your thoughts it comes and it goes sometimes it does give me a hard time to pinpoint on which is which I am anxious about that certain day. If I’m going to write it chronologically in a journal which I’d already done a few years back with my old notes, it would definitely take me some time to divert it as words don’t come easy at times. It’s like talking to the same old brand new person you once knew before but there you are you cannot grasp the right words. That is how I felt right now. Feels like I’m navigating through distant waters which I don’t know if I’m just trivializing things that is not going to happen at all. I guess, that’s how I would define my own set of hopes and fears...

For the meantime, let me leave it all behind this open page. Hopefully, someday I’ll get there to bridge the gap and wishing that this is all just nightmares in my wildest dreams.

Look who’s talking?

Breathe.