Snaps right after New Year

Finally, we survive again another year! 

Thank you 2012 it's time for me to let you go. Bring it on, 2013. Please be more gentle and good to me or else. 

Wishing to write more positive thoughts next time. 

xoxo

Cats and coffee is a perfect combo.

It's the time of the year again as much as I cringe the coming of these season I just can't believe we only got one or two days left before the end of 2012 (2013 feels like I'm not ready yet!).

Although having said that, haven't been here for quite awhile but I've always been here, there and everywhere. Cats and coffee is pretty much my best refuge these days. Does that make a perfect combo? Cats are chaotic sometimes and coffee stirs you up until you palpitate and gets you motivated to stay up all night and write. Did I say I'm such a night owl. In the finest hour of the night where everyone was asleep, I found myself puzzled weary why am I doing this for. It is given that I really need to work harder than anybody else I tried to rest my head to that thought. Whatever happens happens.

I feel much better today that I got the chance to get in touch again with special people in my life as it was supposed to be in the beginning. It's just that it is really hard to reach out especially when the gap is as almost as hard as the Great Wall of China I barely can get through. All I can do is to knock it out with all the strength that I have until it crack the surfaces at least to stop myself from breaking down. You cannot blame me when it comes to family it always tears me apart to the point of nervous breakdown. As it always been full of intermittent drama that is never ending. You should expect it.

This year is what a roller coaster ride of emotion. There are days feels like everything is so slow and there are days you really want to call it a day. Also, there are days feels like it easily gets into me so I ended up being tired getting stuck into this bubble or to what they call four corners. The routine can really burn you out to the extreme but so far that just me exaggerating things in my own perspective.

So consider this post as the usual everyday random rant post happens in the wee hours just to free my thoughts and to let go what is needed to let go at the end of the day.

Namaste. 

A very late Father's Day Post

(here I am when I was a toddler kissing my dad on cheeks while cuddling my 5th month old baby sister Neriza on his right arm..)

I know, this is some kind of late of me.. But how many times they say, it's better late than never. It took me some time off to gather old photos out from the cluttered piles of pictures to what seems like to me has been long dead and gone...

A quarter life crises of all sorts

I easily succumb to loneliness lately. It crept up and eaten me down like a hungry animal waiting to beaten on its prey. No, it's not loneliness before I knew it. It's a quarter life crises probably.

Check if you experience some of these:

Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include as described by Wikipedia.

confronting one's own mortality
insecurity concerning ability to love oneself, let alone another person
insecurity regarding present accomplishments
re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy (set aside this one for my own preferences, lol)
disappointment with one's job
nostalgia for university, college, high school, middle school or elementary school life
tendency to hold stronger opinions
boredom with social interactions
loss of closeness to high school and college friends
financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unexpectedly high cost of living)
loneliness, depression and suicidal tendencies
desire to have children
a sense that others are doing better than oneself
frustration with social skills

Probably, a quarter life crises are in the making on its way somewhat questioning things like, have I done enough to make it into this life. I guess, I’ve done my fair share of the things I can at least to make myself feel better. Let me took the credit for being some sort of a worrywart in this whole thing.

Now the realization is this: there’s no learning manual, tutorials or webinars that can actually lead you to conquer the highest mountain of fears towards the life in there at the other side. I knew from the start that things ain’t be easy for the moment I step out my comfort zones I have a freaking feeling that I really need to let go and it’s a point of no return as I heard my Mama said.

Twenty five years is not enough to learn all my lessons well and the hardest part of it is on how to keep up in this life.

Old and new resentments about my father still haunting me like I’m the biggest failure happen to his life. Physically I failed at some point for being the eldest daughter who should definitely take charge and look after the family’s welfare. But cheating is never a reasonable excuse. I know, how majority of men cheats nowadays (excuse me, I’m talking in general) but this should not be the case no one can stop a person for being a father, a father not in words but in deeds.

Anyway, who am I to find fault in anyone? Everything was just a plain observation of my spotless mind.

See, I will never learn.

How can you ever still loved a person who cause you so much pain?

As much as I tried to be reasonable at these times I can't seem to find the courage just to ignore everything as of all the person on earth why is he be the one who would cause me so much hurt churning me up inside in the least I expected.

I am choking somehow with sadness asking why eventually all things turned into this kind of mess my father has put us through. Never in my wildest thought I imagine seeing his pictures online with his other woman that kinda looked like a big internet scandal to me. It just losses everything I imagined him to be as this person who was deserving of our respect and attention being the great father he once was if there's a moment I can remember but sadly things buried forgotten. I know, I'm not the only one in this world in this kind of circumstances having these issues to their fathers that always been feels like a lifetime to me. It felt like a literal slap on the face for seeing how has life gave them more privileges that supposed to be where my place in the first place. Though I'm not the only one whose suffering the betrayal and being cheated by someone he promised to spend the rest of his life with. So, guys have you ever asked yourself a thousand times or even a million times before cheating on to your wife because everything has a matter of consequences whether you like or not.

I just told myself I'm a big girl so I better take the toughest skin as ever amidst the adversity coming on my way. As much as possible, I'm trying not to hate the person but hate the things about what he did because I don't tolerate things and justified what he did as some part of the norms that guys often particularly as them being father to cheat on your mother. I know one day things will be over someone would say. I just want to vent it all here because it is the only thing I have right in this moment I am writing this. So readers bear with me it's just one of those 'madness' again.. It just sucks really. Everything about it.