How can you ever still loved a person who cause you so much pain?

As much as I tried to be reasonable at these times I can't seem to find the courage just to ignore everything as of all the person on earth why is he be the one who would cause me so much hurt churning me up inside in the least I expected.

I am choking somehow with sadness asking why eventually all things turned into this kind of mess my father has put us through. Never in my wildest thought I imagine seeing his pictures online with his other woman that kinda looked like a big internet scandal to me. It just losses everything I imagined him to be as this person who was deserving of our respect and attention being the great father he once was if there's a moment I can remember but sadly things buried forgotten. I know, I'm not the only one in this world in this kind of circumstances having these issues to their fathers that always been feels like a lifetime to me. It felt like a literal slap on the face for seeing how has life gave them more privileges that supposed to be where my place in the first place. Though I'm not the only one whose suffering the betrayal and being cheated by someone he promised to spend the rest of his life with. So, guys have you ever asked yourself a thousand times or even a million times before cheating on to your wife because everything has a matter of consequences whether you like or not.

I just told myself I'm a big girl so I better take the toughest skin as ever amidst the adversity coming on my way. As much as possible, I'm trying not to hate the person but hate the things about what he did because I don't tolerate things and justified what he did as some part of the norms that guys often particularly as them being father to cheat on your mother. I know one day things will be over someone would say. I just want to vent it all here because it is the only thing I have right in this moment I am writing this. So readers bear with me it's just one of those 'madness' again.. It just sucks really. Everything about it.

A Letter Attempt #1: Daughter to Father

Dear Pap,

Today as I am trying my best at least to make it all understand I suddenly I felt really tired thinking why things happen to be this way.. I've been trying to reach you in any means but I haven't even heard a single word from you. I know this may sound nothing to you and I know how you made things complicated for all of us. I am hurting by the hurt that you had cause at some point I am not the only one who are suffering with the pain and betrayal. I don't know if it's intentional or not I don't care but why does it have to be like a literal slap in the face.


I don't know to you but I am recalling all the good memories that we both shared as a family but it all seems vanished as I felt you just put everything into waste. What can I do? Maybe it is too late now. Somehow, the damage has been done. No more explanation needed. Isn't too obvious how you manage everything as if smoothly planned? How could do this to us? We don't have anything against you or caused you pain in any way or maybe in my part as your kid you had felt that I was failure. Yes, I've been a failure in so many ways. But I never turn my back with the reality that I had this disability that I have to go on with life like this. Pero ikaw you just left us hanging in the air.. Instead of holding us back even for sake of all the good memories that we had as a family.. You always turn us away.. Is that what is meant by your silence amidst in all this dilemmas. I am afraid of the person you are right now. It seems like I don't recognize you anymore.


I felt pity and scared for the future. I'm scared that because of all this we may lose everything or should say I already lose you as my father. I don't understand how this freedom made you into someone as you are right now. Some say that a parent's job is eternity. It is timeless and never ending. There are times I felt this void of absence of not having you in our life for quite some years now. Though it really doesn't matter in how you view it. As I am endless asking myself, do you ever miss me? Do ever take time to think about me? Do you ever cared if I can still make it through the day? And every time you are enjoying yourself with other's company or your son's company, do you ever think about me? us? Or do you ever take time to read my emails?

You don't know how I manage to spent the day in the little corner at home, in front of this dumb machine feels like my world goes by a slowly. I was sitting outside the porch the other day, I saw a girl like my age walking around with her group of friends talking about her someone special. I just thought maybe if things a little more different I can also be like that girl.. Somehow, I see myself in the shoes of that girl living life to the fullest though there maybe hardships along the way. It just reminds me of you how you are wasting your own life. Maybe I'm not the right person to tell you what's wrong and what is right. I guess, you should've know that.

Sorry for becoming too whiny in this email.. This is the only way I can think of to let it all out and somehow to reach out to you.. I hope one day we can possibly found the healing in each of our hearts.

Time can tell if all wounds heal and everything restored.