Cats and coffee is a perfect combo.

It's the time of the year again as much as I cringe the coming of these season I just can't believe we only got one or two days left before the end of 2012 (2013 feels like I'm not ready yet!).

Although having said that, haven't been here for quite awhile but I've always been here, there and everywhere. Cats and coffee is pretty much my best refuge these days. Does that make a perfect combo? Cats are chaotic sometimes and coffee stirs you up until you palpitate and gets you motivated to stay up all night and write. Did I say I'm such a night owl. In the finest hour of the night where everyone was asleep, I found myself puzzled weary why am I doing this for. It is given that I really need to work harder than anybody else I tried to rest my head to that thought. Whatever happens happens.

I feel much better today that I got the chance to get in touch again with special people in my life as it was supposed to be in the beginning. It's just that it is really hard to reach out especially when the gap is as almost as hard as the Great Wall of China I barely can get through. All I can do is to knock it out with all the strength that I have until it crack the surfaces at least to stop myself from breaking down. You cannot blame me when it comes to family it always tears me apart to the point of nervous breakdown. As it always been full of intermittent drama that is never ending. You should expect it.

This year is what a roller coaster ride of emotion. There are days feels like everything is so slow and there are days you really want to call it a day. Also, there are days feels like it easily gets into me so I ended up being tired getting stuck into this bubble or to what they call four corners. The routine can really burn you out to the extreme but so far that just me exaggerating things in my own perspective.

So consider this post as the usual everyday random rant post happens in the wee hours just to free my thoughts and to let go what is needed to let go at the end of the day.

Namaste. 

Sort of a quarter life crisis in the making for a twenty six years old

I admit it. I've been stuck in the rut for quite awhile now. Nostalgia just hits me today unlike any other day the impact was all so great that I just can't stop questioning myself, what I've been doing here? Where do I go from here? Sort of a quarter life crisis in the making for a twenty six years old like me (turning twenty seven years old two months from now) in this so-called earth. I'll let you know the reason once I found out why.

Then there's this things that are not just like before. Anyway, what do I expect I'm living in 2012 and a week from now it will be a new year. This is not the 90's or ending of the millenia anymore. Reality do sucks as much you are trying to find the escape it will haunt you in the face. For a long years now, I've been trying to create my own world where dreams have wings and it can fly like I can do anything that is possible. Now I woke up to that dream world that there's this certain limitation I have it on me. Why can't I be like anybody else?

Don't get me wrong but most physically challenge people like us feels that at a certain point in our lives. For a moment it took awhile for us to find our own wings to soar high. Though I only have a simple wish or you may call it a dream and that is to see the my loved ones especially my mother having a fulfilled life. She didn't ask me for anything but I feel I need to work out more for her. No matter how I can get in my online work somehow just to help her make both ends meet I would do anything for her. Forgive me for being too emotional writing this today. It's just that the feeling is so overwhelming that I couldn't even hold back my tears. I've battled so many issues in my life for most of the time it was a roller coaster ride. Sometimes it takes me up and just like today it takes me down I can no longer find my worth.

I know it is not how things supposed to be that way. Sooner or later, this too shall pass as if I'll be able to find my own worth again.

Weekend Snapshots.

I will miss you, Blanket. May you rest in peace. 12/15/12

Just done sewing some pajamas.

Getting up, update Squidoo, blogging, nap, watching movie online, nursing a dying cat, sew some pajamas... Pretty much that is how my day like on a weekend. 

Tell me about yours.

Don't mind me.

I've battling with such a terrible case of a writer's block or sort of a PMS streaming somewhere in my system  which I don't even know how long it will going to last. I've been worrying a lot in terms of dealing with people in general. They are really making me sick. Yep, I've been down for quite some time now as it is always been this sickening routine probably life is going to be this so unfair for me.

Anyway, moving on to that same old brand new story I just can't believe the year is almost over. As usual I probably won't make any resolutions this time around as I've always been. I just can't conform myself into something I can't done finishing. What a lesson learned. Aren't promises are made to be broken as the wise old saying goes. 

Still feeling crappy. Don't mind me. 

Namaste.

Weekend Food Snapshots.

Graham Tiramisu and Banana Turon Photo Food Mosaic
All the recipe featured here are courtesy of my moody twenty five year old middle sister.

I thought it is more fitting to tell you how my day went was. Life has not always been that grand but it's great to enjoy moments where simple things can really make a difference to your day unbelievably. I've been dealing for quite some time with people's different idiosyncrasies which by the way I really can't stand. Anyways, it is not something to be taken personally so don't get me wrong.

Okay, I'm a kill joy. Deal with it. 

Thank God for Wifi's

I don't know why. 

It's been a long time for me to come up with words to filled up this cold and empty space in the blogosphere.

I should have listen to myself more often to sit and write here whenever I have the time. I'm just too caught up with the things going on in real life. Most of the time, it is getting more complicated that I better wear the toughest skin as ever. Such is life!

Anyways, the laptop is firing up long hours as I am catching up a series of new episodes of The Walking Dead and New Girl as well simultaneously every week. Yeah, I'm a sucker for zombies. Plus, these hot new Korean dramas and movies are totally enticing for me lately. I have no other way to survive these whole week of online work routines (thank God for wifi's!) as the television broke just a couple of months ago. Yes, it's not a big deal after all.

I'm totally pumped up that everything is on the internet nowadays. I remember watching movies in a VHS tape on weekends after preparing all my lessons and assignments for school which became an addiction and a habit at the same time. The availability is in our hands with just one click away anything is possible with technology. Everything is fast pace and even in learning you can educate yourself with the things you have never known before. How fascinating.

Looking back at life down memory lane, it was such a great learning experience where you can do nothing but to appreciate and embrace the simplicity of life where the kids of today may not have the chance to experience. I guess, generation differs after generation. A cycle that we all got into whether we are aware or not. But most of the time we want to break free from the chaos. 

I admit I'm very fond of nostalgia as it hits me from time to time again. It is the kind of feeling of holding onto the memories of the past no matter how complicated the present as it never changes and it always been hiding inside of you. It all may sound too cliche but it is what it was and it will be. A feeling that something or someone has been lost but there's nothing to be regretful actually. 

When I think about all this by now, feels I'm talking like a different person. We are all changing for a lot of possible reasons most of the time we aim for growth as an individual because we can't always be the same person like we were just yesterday. 

Although to me everything feels like just yesterday. It all comes into a blur that everything happens so fast that I might not even know what I did in a matter of days, weeks or years. 

We will never know. God only knows. 

Silent No More

I NEVER tend to hate hate.

It's just that I'm too caught up with all these so many emotional turmoil from here and there that I barely didn't notice how much space it eaten up my time and attention to the extent of a nervous breakdown (don't worry I'm still far from being insane!). So far, real life can really be too disappointing at times. Well, same old story and issues nothing new. It is not supposed to be that way though it lingers. No matter how much I ignore what some people say about it is still bothersome. I guess, it is their problem anyway. I don't care.

For so many times I lost my own voice to voice out whatever emotion I felt during on a day to day basis whether I am angry, sad nor even when I'm at my most upbeat spirits. Now I just realize what about me letting go of this fear of standing to what I believe in no matter what would people say in my circles. Maybe because I'm the one who is more understanding, tolerant and careless towards anyone who would asked me any favor. So to speak, I just go on with the flow of things even if it makes everything worse. I do give myself a credit for that.

It just so hard to explain that sometimes I really do need space for me to grow and let go of these whatever that I need to voice out. I also do get angry at times but that doesn't mean I took grudges of anyone whenever I need to be myself. If you're not with me to the things that I say, well it is just fine for me. I don't hold your right to express the things you ought to say. We all goes through certain phases in our life when we need to spend some time alone for self reflection, meditation and even cast out the angst whatever your heart tells you. That's the same thing with crying. Crying doesn't really mean you are weak because people do cry for various reasons. But most of the time, we do cry for holding on to the pain or whatever that is for so long.

It is part of human existence. As a matter of fact, I do love to experience all that emotion in my lifetime to distinguish from one emotion to the other. But that doesn't mean I'm crazy. I'm just a weirdo. Mostly, it is just my way of embracing my skin, my uniqueness, quirkiness, vulnerability, flaws and everything that makes me human.

I am probably disabled in the outside but in my own world feels like there's so many things I need to do like learn a new art, places to explore, maybe pursue a new career, or write more lenses as always. I am a modern day dreamer dreaming of a wings so I can fly to somewhere I've never been before. Some say, it's not to late that if you are really wanted something why don't you give it a shot.

Remember, losers are only quitters. 

Currents

date: 11/05/2012

location:     obviously at home
eating:        Tuyo (dried fish) on top of a warm rice
drinking:     plenty of COFFEE and a glass of iced water
enjoying:    distance learning, blogging stuff, writing on Wizzley, HubPages and Squidoo
listening:     a random playlist from Linkin Park, OPM (Original Pinoy Music) to Tori Amos
wishing:      the major renovation of the house continues and be able pay the remaining mortgage.
thinking:     of sleeping earlier than 12MN or maybe not.. It depends.
making:      a mountains out of a mole hill.. just kidding! Working on my newest lens, hubs or wizz..
                   or else finish all my Math exercises.. I hate Math.
feeling:       sick of PMS, sleepy, sad, nostalgic pretty much lately.. kinda tired too.
loving:        watching my cats and dogs sleep beside me in the couch while blogging.

Have you ever been HURT so bad?

I can't believe how much these level of hurt can make a great impact in my life. Have you ever been hurt so bad feels like you were living through hell all your life, a nightmare you kept on pinching yourself to be fully wide awake? I know we all do. Most of the time, we think to ourselves its better to run away from all of this mess.

A never ending battle I seem to fight with everyday wishing life will be fair somehow for me. I've been through a lot of ups and downs and a few bumps in the road but today was never like the day it was before. As it blocks out every positive in my system hoping somehow there is goodness among people. I should have known better how time flies, things change and people do change for the better and some even for the worse. I just can't stand the hypocrisy of some claiming they will stand behind you through the stormy times of your life but you always end up being alone.

Been tired of false hopes and irrepairable family relationships and individual differences that seems a never ending marathon of arguments and bad mouthing. I guess, it falls down to one thing: we can never be perfect neither do I am not perfect as we are all made of flaws and all. So don't try to look for perfection as for the moment you look upon it you'll end up in vain.

Never exaggerate your hope not until the specific things in your mind has finally materialize. It implies as well in dealing with people never lose hope but don't be too clingy for the memories are the only ones that stays. Be open with new ideas as well to criticisms that might can break or make your spirits at the end of the day. I know how much I wasn't aware to that until now and still struggling with how I am going to cope up whenever I'm down again to that darker road.

Now I'm writing all these things so that all the negatives will be erase and flew down somewhere I cannot go and to be at peace with myself knowing I didn't hurt anybody through these words. Sometimes, there are words that are better left unsaid. It does come so real to me. Someday, these things will be over and never an ounce of this hurt will ever hurt me again. It will surely does pass like a barred arrow which intentionally missed its target.

Hoping to write more positive thoughts next time.

To be continued..

brief words for the first time.

Too tired to blog today.

life is a matter of choice

Still stoked with the things going on in real life lately. I just can't keep my track on working online, blogging, my little sister flew to Finland and now enrolling a couple of classes online.

Macha, bathing himself. Yikes! Too cute for me.:)

I guess, from time to time we all need to find out ourselves that sort of level of growth in everything we do. Making the most of this life and what it has to offer. Thinking outside the box which some might say can be really liberating although at times it depends on the confinement you opt to yourself nor sometimes or most of the time you don't have a choice.

Oh well. I can whine and get angry and be bitter at myself the whole day and bawl my eyes off from crying for no certain reason at all. Then there's this so-called choice gets into the picture that everything in life is a matter of choice. I can chose to stay in my couch and sleep all day intentionally and ignore everyone whose calling on the phone by not answering back. I can do that for sure.

It just that its tiring to get involve nowadays in everyone's problems. For the most part, people's choices are always the ones prevail. It's always been that way. Don't worry I'm learning to muster up everything.

I will write more soon. I'm stuck in a writing bug for quite a long time. Pretty much obviously I had a boring life.

Adios.

What a enormous week!

It was quite a enormous week that was!

Glad that the sun is finally shining after all the heavy monsoon rain and the great flooding. I've been trying to keep myself busy with a more productive things in ghost writing. Pretty much, it has been my life. Good grief.

Nothing much to say lately aside from I'm still blessed to be here everyday. This life has always its ups and downs so deal with it. Sounds like my favorite mantra nowadays.

Gotta keep going.

What if time machines really do exist.

Pretty much my life is a myriad of routines of waking up and staying up and mostly keeping my mind set on track whenever these little earthquakes tried to steal away my composure. Every day has always been a struggle I guess ever since I was born.

There are times my inner self painstakingly cried so hard to what life has to offer for me. As much as I tried to be the best person that I could ever be it always falls down that my best wasn't good enough for anyone.

I never hunger for attention nor sympathy or any admiration that somehow for some people I define bravery and that I never say die. I guess, my best wasn't good enough to make it this far or maybe just maybe I keep on living through Divine intervention that I'm still here. Good grief!

When I was young I really thought time machines really do exist. Its like how they do in the movies people time travel and one snap they can go places where they had never been. No sore feet. No hassle. And one blink of an eye everything is different. We are not who we supposed to be kind of episodes.

Then, Mom and Dad won't grew apart.
I will not be a by a product of a broken family.
I can go places I've never been.
Go bungee jumping.
Ride a hot air balloon.
Build my own house full of laughter and smiles.
Create a shelter for neglected cats and dogs.
Wear dresses and heels.
Love like you'll never get hurt.
Etc. etc.

Wow, there's just so many things coming out into my so-called bleak mind. I can't stop giggling like a lost little girl. I can almost picture myself doing all those things though I know I might not be the person I am now today writing this. Though anything is possible with the power of words, persistent, verbs, adjectives and little dash of imagination as if it could really happen.

That is if only time machines really do exist.

A blessing and a curse.

Voila!

You might find me at the most unconventional circumstances this time of the year. I'm really trying to keep my track in my composure as much as possible in whatever life and people has going to throw on me. I've always been that way ever since. I realize how everyone has been so moved  on and having a of life their own. Good for them anyway. I guess, life is what it is. Sometimes, the things we cared so much and longed for and worked hard for can be so harder to reach. Likewise about people you just can't rely on them as they also has a life of their own. That's a freaking reality. Such is life. And that is how freaking my life lately.

Though I've always had a hundred reasons to be thankful most especially when a pretty rough day has passed. I know I'm on another phase again on re-examining and searching through myself how far can I go on in this life. I've always know ever since a kid how much this disability can be a blessing and a curse. I bet you. I got the best and the worst of both worlds. And I very much know the limitation that it will brought me as I go on with my life as an adult and the coming years. I am no longer a teenager either an eighteen year old who is still in the shadows my own fears and rejection of others. I am now in my mid-twenties who supposed to know that this is exactly what I really wanted to do. In my case, its always been different because I tend to live my life on a purpose not for the sake of pleasing the wants, wishes and desires of other people.

I'm trying to live for myself. Yes, you have to learn to love yourself above anyone else before you can show love to others in return. I must say, it is never been truer in any lifetime.

But at the end of the day no matter how hard the curse I tried to hold on to the notion that this disability is a blessing in a more bigger picture.

xoxo

Never been anywhere

I'm trying to rekindle the moment where blogging is the surest thing to me. I guess, I've been out of the loop lately to write how quirky the day was like for me or simply it just came by unnoticed. I don't know. So there you go a little bump in the road right there.

Though all I know is that where ever I look everything changes and that's a fact. It just sucks how these feeling continue to devour me after so many years like any normal human being. It's not that I hate my life right now the thought that I could've done better still lingers at the back of head right now. At the end of the day, it only boils down how much you are willing to hope against hope thinking you did your best that you can do.

After almost 5 years of blogging and sharing all my thoughts into this platform, I'm still going no where. Still kept on sitting, waiting, wishing...

Words for Keeps

Nothing is much truer than these words.

"Keep your eyes simple. Keep your eyes on the prize. Keep the fine fight of faith."

Old HS Passage

I found these words written in my high school notebook back then sort of more like a random quotation... that just describes what I'm feeling lately. Just so beautiful...

Each of us has the right and responsibility to assess the roads which lies ahead, and those over which we have traveled. 


And if the future road looms ominous or unpromising and the roads back uninviting then, we need to gather over resolve and carrying only the necessary baggage step off that road into another direction.


The only limits are, as always, those of vision. No matter how full the river is, it still wants to grow.


xoxo

I hate you PMS!

So, is this how it feels to be a girl? Lately, it's this PMs thing that no one can ever understands. Human nature for sure that is. I guess, I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired pretty much it goes more like that around today.

But that doesn't mean it's an enough reason for to leave some writing on pending. Glad I'd have some biscuit crackers and a cup of coffee to count on.

Okay, enough of too much bawling of tears.

Praying for a more blessed week ahead.

xoxo

Marching March Madness

Here you go Marching March Madness.

I say madness because summer has officially started here in the tropics. It's been a scorching hotness about 32 C is the warmest average daily temperature somehow too much heat really sucks. Just imagine that happened everyday. My head is just a little too dizzy from a sudden nap this afternoon which I totally regretted by the way.

I swear to myself it won't happened again. Now my body clock has gone back to its usual staying late night hours for working some stuff online at the same time playing around the social media stuff. So, that makes me so pumped up and trying to forget all the dramas and chaos of the daily life. Pretty much the day has gone by like the day it was yesterday.

Basically, that's the picture. I'm glad there's Mom, the cats and the dogs to stand by my side whatever goes through me at the end of the day.

Yes, I've been good at multitasking lately.

Feels like it was one of those days when you can't get over yourself a task and starting out other task again at the same time.

To me it was pouring all your energy into something that can be worthwhile for you in the end and sometimes it doesn't matter. It is more like hoping against hope that everyday is a new day. You can always get a new start to whatever you haven't done finishing the other day.

Carpe diem or simply known as the art of seizing the day.

Now I'm pretty much stuck with some fun art to do on Zazzle, writing a few lenses on Squidoo as well as catching up a new favorite TV show series and a Meryll Streep movie marathon today. She's a such versatile actress.

I'm thinking of writing some movie reviews next time. I forgot about that.

Well, it is never too late.

Here's to the heat of the summer days!

xoxo

Thoughts in a Song.

 

I'm feeling a bit Adele fever right there. 

Faith. Hope. Moving On.

When there are so many uncontrollable events going on in our life, we never cease to turn into our faith and hope. It seems that these two are inseparable most especially in crucial times. Faith makes us believe more than ever that there exist a divine purpose to whether good or bad that is happening to us. In the case of hope, it pushes us to our limits to trust on our faith even for the things beyond our human minds can decipher.

But still at the end of the day, our everyday conditions lingers it's up to us on how to deal with it whether to control or be controlled by the situation.

How I wish I can easily accept the fact that things really worked that way. Sometimes you own it and sometimes you don't.

To be continued....

Random thoughts on being 26.

Being twenty six is not scary after all. The word not scary after all is too much to say as an understatement so don't get me wrong. When I was about six years old, I was told by some doctors that when I reached the age of ten I won't be able to walk again and there's a genetic bone disorder which is progressing in my system. It was the same old weary story that I have to live through until today.

I knew through it that I was born unique and special. Life was pretty much a struggle and it always been ever since. I almost got to the point where I self pity almost everyday of my life and frown at the things I wasn't capable of doing. It was terrible. I feel terribly sorry today for living into the shadows for such a long time due to the fact that I couldn't accept myself as I am. I guess, we all go through these phases of madness as we confront what life has to offer.

It is really indeed, life is full of surprises. Sometimes, it will caught you off guard being the person as you are towards certain issues you have deal with because you simply have no choice and it always seems to work that way.

Now I'm trying to let things go as it is because it is the only way I can freed myself from these chains of barriers that overshadowing myself and to the outside world. I know it always been easier said than done but I knew I am capable of doing it as the time goes by. Its just putting yourself in a best foot forward everyday hoping that it is going to be much brighter and hopeful than the last time.

I am true believer of second chances in life as long as you are living through what it really means rather than swearing things and you're pushing yourself to become the person you ought to be. I still need a lot of things change by the way of my thinking, developing enormous patience towards others and most especially not losing faith because for sure there's going to be a lot of hurtful things to be thrown on me in this life in the near future.

Now I'm gratefully praying for a more braver hearts and a few tears so I can go on everyday through this life like everyone else.

So, thanks to all who had been and still part of my life whether you had given me joy, sorrow and tears because that made me who I am today.

Me at 26 with a new spankin' haircut!

It's a Cat's World right here!

Today's subject matter is all about CATS.

So, if you're not a cat person you'll probably won't appreciate this post.

Meet Macha and Blanket. 

Say hello to Jeremy.. I must say, he's one of
those adventurous cat I ever known.

Poor Kun-kun! He looks a bit sick today.. he become so nauseous and looking
so teary eyed.. I suspect he got injured from a cat fight last night
somewhere in our neighborhood.

Like they say, a home is not a house without these furry creatures! I can't stop smiling while taking these pictures on a typical random day like today. I've been trying to meet certain goals for this coming months in my online work mostly with Squidoo and certain blog sites. Though there are days like these when it seems like there's nothing going remarkable at the end of the day.

Good grief.

xoxo

Busy days.

Busy days are here. Seems like everyone has their own thing going on with their lives this time of the year.

Once again, I'm stuck from being SAD or what you may call it as Seasonal Affective Disorder though from time to time I tried to muster up everything in. I guess, it does happens to a lot of people lately. It usually come like some sort of an aftermath after a series unexpected events happens in your life from the past few years. Passing of a loved one. Disappointments and failures. Ir-repairable family ties. Sometimes, it comes into a long process of grieving and healing until everything subsides into acceptance. As for the most part, life is about kicking ass figuratively speaking. Yes, it does goes on as well.

But don't get wrong. I'm totally grateful for all the things I can do as of this very moment. It is something like a gift to be treasured as time goes by. I learned by through embracing all your imperfection there lies inner happiness that no one can take that away. It just so hard to live up to anyone's expectations and I'm not trying to.

So, where do these rants coming from?

Coming of age. Well, that's a different story.

For a pessimist I'm pretty much an optimistic.

This is probably the most laid back weekend I'd ever spent. 

More talk less confrontational arguments.

Pretty much the usual everyday musings here and there as my thoughts wandering where this year will going to lead me to. I guess, I'll just have let it go for now and sort it out or probably let everything go unplanned for the mean time and lift everything up to the hands of the Most High as it was supposed to be.

For the most part, it always seems that change is the only permanent thing in the world. I know at times I become so silly when it comes to talking about these facets of realities. And yet it does happens, mostly to people in general.

I therefore say that these bitter sweet  episodes of life's miseries are essential to make or break you and even mold you to be the person like you are today. I tried to believe that everything in life comes into a matter of phase per se which differs in its impact and there are those suddenly subsides as if nothing ever happens. Still, it's all become tolerable in the end no matter how you picture yourself in the verge of giving up on that particular time. It just comes like a sort of a madness.

I don't know if I consider it a blessing or curse. But for a pessimist I'm pretty much an optimistic that in the end we'll find our own place under the sun.

Finding our passion.

Living life for something to look forward to or being happy to our own sort of happiness not by others' standard.

I've been a little too hard on myself lately for not letting other people's constraint and opinion overshadowed the things I'd love to do and the things that I can only do. It is great at least for once in awhile to be conform in your own sort of comfort zone where your own potentials are possible.

Since this is my life I have all the right and free will to whom I will exert my precious time and effort and that is none other than to those I consider helpful to my growth and can see beauty even in the ugliest moments in life. I don't need those obnoxious critics who only want to be heard their side of the story and they are also those who will literally slap you in the face to make you feel how miserable your life is because you can't even afford to be in their shoes. Shame on you but to be blunt I can go on with my life without you all.

I just realize this life is not complicated after all. People do complicate things. Like I do complicate things that I should not bother myself with all these complications that life has to throw most of the time.

Now, I don't even know how to end this ramblings so let me say, let it be.

Missing in Action?

Since it has been the new year I just thought to make a little tweaks here and there. I've been missing in action for quite some time now. I'm too caught up with so many online projects as well with real life away from the blogosphere.

Gotta go and finish some writings. Enjoy the picture of my Jillian, one of the additional pups at home. They're growing up so fast. :)