My head is totally out of whacked the whole day. I felt that I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown streaming from some issues unconsciously hanging at the back of my mind. It’s one of those days where I really want to scream out loud at the top of my lungs. This is so unfair!
There are just some things that will just hit you like a literal slap in the face. A certain realities about people can really be disappointing at times most especially if that person is so close to your heart. It pains me to think I’m just left with this online job where I don’t know when will I able to stand through all this. I long for at least a support coming from a father that I can’t do these things all alone. I don’t know for the first time in a very long time I felt the need of needing someone where you can lean on, cheer you up and where you can tell everything about what goes through the day and anything under the sun that stirs up my curiosity. Probably, it’s the same old story but in a times like this you are just left by yourself in the solid ground. Being the fragile person as I am, I never intend to use hate as a defense mechanism for me feel much better when someone do me wrong. But to my surprise, this is definitely the worst feeling in the world. I am not perfect and I never will aim for perfection. Yes, it’s suffocating how certain people get into your nerves because I am so helpless to fight back with all my might…
How could he just forgot me that easily? He didn’t trust me that much that I am here to understand. I am here not as a burden. I am here because I can be a friend. I am here because I am his daughter. Now I can’t totally focus every time because I’m the shock absorb-er in the family. How I wish I have the toughest skin as ever. But the stresses left me there in the open and tied up. I don’t know when and how will I able to stand all this. I’m sick and tired of some people’s crap in my life right now. I’ve always been in good terms to everyone but lately I’m left all alone with issues that neither I can’t even solve. I miss the old times. I only got to hold on to the memories but I do love my life right now. There are just some things I know and I can do now compare before. I guess, I just want to go back maybe because of the simplicity of life and the least of responsibility I tend not to cherish a few years back. Though as you tried to look back I don’t have regrets in some ways because I learn to take risks. Taking risks is the usual thing I do in order to survive in the past few years. In pursuing my medication, I took risk my life in the hands of doctors and medical people which I even barely know. And even finding my own place in the sun, I just take risk…
I know there’s no easy way out in everything about this life. There are some quiet moments wishing I don’t have this limitation so I can enjoy life to the fullest. But I only got my life right now. As well make the most of it and what I have for tomorrow I will not be here. That is probably the pessimistic optimist post you can ever read in my entries. This probably too shall pass!
May the force be with you.
1 comment:
Well, it's been a couple of weeks since you posted that. The upset probably has passed. Thank goodness that's how things usually work. ...Life is so hard, people can be so unkind (even without trying to). ...From what I know of you, Naiza, you are one likable and capable person. Keep on learning and growing and being your sweet self. Love, MiMi
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