Obviously, I just came here to VENT!

My head is totally out of whacked the whole day. I felt that I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown streaming from some issues unconsciously hanging at the back of my mind. It’s one of those days where I really want to scream out loud at the top of my lungs. This is so unfair!

There are just some things that will just hit you like a literal slap in the face. A certain realities about people can really be disappointing at times most especially if that person is so close to your heart. It pains me to think I’m just left with this online job where I don’t know when will I able to stand through all this. I long for at least a support coming from a father that I can’t do these things all alone. I don’t know for the first time in a very long time I felt the need of needing someone where you can lean on, cheer you up and where you can tell everything about what goes through the day and anything under the sun that stirs up my curiosity. Probably, it’s the same old story but in a times like this you are just left by yourself in the solid ground. Being the fragile person as I am, I never intend to use hate as a defense mechanism for me feel much better when someone do me wrong. But to my surprise, this is definitely the worst feeling in the world. I am not perfect and I never will aim for perfection. Yes, it’s suffocating how certain people get into your nerves because I am so helpless to fight back with all my might…

How could he just forgot me that easily? He didn’t trust me that much that I am here to understand. I am here not as a burden. I am here because I can be a friend. I am here because I am his daughter. Now I can’t totally focus every time because I’m the shock absorb-er in the family. How I wish I have the toughest skin as ever. But the stresses left me there in the open and tied up. I don’t know when and how will I able to stand all this. I’m sick and tired of some people’s crap in my life right now. I’ve always been in good terms to everyone but lately I’m left all alone with issues that neither I can’t even solve. I miss the old times. I only got to hold on to the memories but I do love my life right now. There are just some things I know and I can do now compare before. I guess, I just want to go back maybe because of the simplicity of life and the least of responsibility I tend not to cherish a few years back. Though as you tried to look back I don’t have regrets in some ways because I learn to take risks. Taking risks is the usual thing I do in order to survive in the past few years. In pursuing my medication, I took risk my life in the hands of doctors and medical people which I even barely know. And even finding my own place in the sun, I just take risk…

I know there’s no easy way out in everything about this life. There are some quiet moments wishing I don’t have this limitation so I can enjoy life to the fullest. But I only got my life right now. As well make the most of it and what I have for tomorrow I will not be here. That is probably the pessimistic optimist post you can ever read in my entries. This probably too shall pass!

May the force be with you.

Probably what goes around comes back around.

Today I really want to write in a more upbeat manner just for the reason that life is what it is. For the most part, words are just words though real life away from the blogosphere can be pretty much exhausting, fun and stressful at times all rolled into one.

What a bumpy ride.

There are times when I totally want to drown myself into a deep slumber in a good way but what can I do there's no easy way out in the midst of an issue surfacing one after the other.

I guess, everything comes in a matter of perspective. It's either hope for the best or just expect the worst. I tried to believe so.

I'm indifferent. Today I chose to be me. Today is not that tragic. It's just one of those average days when I'm bound to let the time to pass by. Clockwatching. Learning to conform and embrace the beauty of ambiguity that everything goes like a cycle of tides turning.

Today I'm grateful that I am stronger than before in terms of emotional level somehow in order to survive you got to have the toughest skin as ever. I admit there are things I want to learn to let go inside myself like to never take grudges and bury the things that needed to buried. I could have forgotten some of the painful memories of the past having this disability and looking back was such a waste of time but for me this is what personal blogging is all about. I call this as my only outlet. I treat this like a friend, my great confidant. A psychological therapy that eventually recording the things out of the madness of the moment can be passe. When I was in college, I learned the real value of patience about people in either way they will love you or hate you. As I've never been this friendly like myself now in my schooling days, I am aloof most of the time. I closed my doors in getting to know anyone and meeting new people treating them as if they are going to bite me. I guess, to make the story brief you have to treat everyone like you want to be treated. Probably, that includes personal issues treating it like the way it want to be treated. Love begets love.

Sorry but I need my personal space to grow up and taking everything in slowly which I somehow cannot grasp in a few years back. Yes, I'm totally disconnecting myself with family and friends that was very much of me counting down the days of isolation in either way I don't have a choice. I guess, that let me maintain the level of sanity I have today in a figurative speaking. I just can't fit in much worse back then. That I really don't want anyone to define me and fit into some sort of a mold. It is a synchronicity revolves around in your life that appears in the way beyond your control.

Now I just take a deep breathe. Isn't that life is breath taking.

Such is life.

One of the few tragedy written about life is that it can throw you out of the bus the least you expected it. From one morning you woke up full of hopes all of a sudden it changes everything from your perspective to the things you ever cared of. Blame human nature.

I guess, it always seems to be that way. We may admit it or not, there are circumstances that makes everything blown out of proportion to the extent you are wondering if you can ever still patch it up or be settled and cling to the notion that things can never be the same again...

To be continued...

Methinks Currently

listening to: "Sigh No More by Mumford and Sons.. I just recently discovered the band..

thinking: trying not think too much.

wishing: I lived on the beach...ha!

feeling: just recovered from a bad day.

wanting: to be less a little needy..

reading: On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King

wearing: colorful floral printed pajamas and a pink tees

hoping: to sleep real soon.

enjoying: online work..

needing: not much really but a little patience I guess.

weather: 27 C.. much better not too warm or cold..

wondering: why I can't get enough of blogging at this late.. I'm supposed to be sleeping.

Let me do this again tomorrow. :)

everyday I'm shufflin' shufflin'

So the battle for everything continues... as always.

I just can't believe we are almost halfway through the year in just a blink of an eye here goes December again. Pretty much I'm bound myself into this same old brand new routine for quite some years now. I live and breathe into this so-called chaos hoping for the best in everything in life in general. I don't know. Somehow, the silver lining was just right there hiding beneath the surface. Don't get me wrong. It's funny how I'm loving my life right now so far the madness is under control. It's not that the melancholy always took its toll on me. I'm upbeat and I can say that I'm living the best days of my life.

I guess, I've always been a worrywart. I worry about things why it worked and it didn't worked. I worry about how to make both ends meet. Pretty much I worry about nonsense about people wishing at the end of the day all the best in them and the things you can do and you can't change just like the same old story does.

Yes, I do worry a lot like grown ups sad to say.

I tried to believe that this is just a series of episodes in life where you are just wondering, what is next? God only knows, is it going to be much worse than the other? I know the answers to these questions had always been keeping on the fine fight of faith that the things happen in life in either way has a purpose and it always seems to be. For the most part, happiness is a choice as for the moment, I tried to believe. The surest comfort I tried to console myself that what I have right now doesn't define me. Everything is just temporary. For the first time in a very long time it just put a smile to my face to that feeling that I'm still on the right track and never lose my composure no matter what this life has to offer.

Probably, I'll try to keep on the flow of things as they say.

Tired.
Super Tired.
Sleepy but can't sleep.
Time to throw myself into the haystack soon.