How can you ever still loved a person who cause you so much pain?

As much as I tried to be reasonable at these times I can't seem to find the courage just to ignore everything as of all the person on earth why is he be the one who would cause me so much hurt churning me up inside in the least I expected.

I am choking somehow with sadness asking why eventually all things turned into this kind of mess my father has put us through. Never in my wildest thought I imagine seeing his pictures online with his other woman that kinda looked like a big internet scandal to me. It just losses everything I imagined him to be as this person who was deserving of our respect and attention being the great father he once was if there's a moment I can remember but sadly things buried forgotten. I know, I'm not the only one in this world in this kind of circumstances having these issues to their fathers that always been feels like a lifetime to me. It felt like a literal slap on the face for seeing how has life gave them more privileges that supposed to be where my place in the first place. Though I'm not the only one whose suffering the betrayal and being cheated by someone he promised to spend the rest of his life with. So, guys have you ever asked yourself a thousand times or even a million times before cheating on to your wife because everything has a matter of consequences whether you like or not.

I just told myself I'm a big girl so I better take the toughest skin as ever amidst the adversity coming on my way. As much as possible, I'm trying not to hate the person but hate the things about what he did because I don't tolerate things and justified what he did as some part of the norms that guys often particularly as them being father to cheat on your mother. I know one day things will be over someone would say. I just want to vent it all here because it is the only thing I have right in this moment I am writing this. So readers bear with me it's just one of those 'madness' again.. It just sucks really. Everything about it.

In Sickness, on Writing and Reading.

I’m on the verge of 3 day sickness blues as well as the heavy coughing for some time now. This occasional fever at night doesn’t do me any good. How can I be so sick when summer is fast approaching? Methinks, as if I’m inclined to go anywhere but no other plans yet.

Again, today I’m all bound to get my head up in making and writing a few lenses when it seems that I’m losing the energy to make some stuff done. Now I’m thinking to take a few course lesson this summer which indeed what I needed right now. I need to boost up my resume in all means by getting a diploma either in Marketing or Human Resource this time. But what do I know about Marketing as well in Human Resource? Somehow online marketing could be more interesting just like what I learning some techniques from years back.

Failure is always an option. Ever since I got rejected by a “job writing interview” last month, I’ve never been so assured of myself and with the things I am doing especially when it comes to the field of work content writers do. Somehow, we are considered as ‘ghost writers’ and lucky enough when our names are being acknowledge when someone bumps into one of our blogs and content pages. We experience all kinds of exhaustion physically, mentally and emotionally because we as content writers are often neglected by the writing society. Yes, we might not be tied down in an office cubicle or a publishing company but we still do exist. Instead, we do our best to show up in our jobs at the comfort of our office home.

Is there a writing society? As I have mentioned it seems that there is. People in all forms can measure your writing techniques, criticize your choose of words and let them fit you into a certain standard in their supposed the precise technical standard in writing.

Writing articles online is surely a vocation. This is the life I chose and somehow the earnings I earned through this are what a satisfaction in my part. I admit I’m not a writer or all-know-how type of person either when it comes to what is ‘in’ for the most part. But I do write for the benefit of those whose hunger for knowledge in an easiest way they can get through the internet. I basically write for people whether some would like it or not.

Though the everyday routines can overly boring at times. Needless to say, I can’t count on how many times I nearly fall asleep in the middle of a long overdue unpublished lens. Now I’m back to my book list and almost finished reading a novel by Paulo Coelho. It is somehow part in my goal to widen the range of reading literature and nothing can beat the best part of what a good book can offer at the end of the day. It lets go into thinking some kind of Trans in other worlds where I hastily dreaming to go to one day.

So far, one of the hardest books in my collection that taking me some time to read in a regular basis I mean in a matter to finish it is the Bible. Feels like I’ll need an extra effort to see through the pages beyond the eagerness thought of reading because I only want to finish it. I know I can do it.

What chapter did I finish the last time I read? I was done reading the book of Job and there goes the other books in the Old Testament. That is probably one of my favorite books in the Bible ever. I cried with pain as if I’m Job when he experience suffering, joy and restoration. If you are more on the spiritual side you know what I mean. It is the most heartbreaking night after reading Job’s life ups and downs.

Hey, let’s play a game plan. Make a list of the books you are dying to read maybe in a matter of days, months or year. You will be amaze on yourself on how many you can collect to put up your very own library in your room. No forbidden books, please!

Monday Madness

I started a little off this week. There's the dreaded flu, runny nose and fever. It always does happen to me every time it changes the month. February pretty much nothing is going on special lately.

I'm still riding the same old routines but it's not very like me to welcome any negative facets of thinking as this very moment. Though I know at the back of my head, it linger still the issues of the family and that is something no joke to be in the first place.

I guess, we all get tired at the issues at times and it feels suffocating inside the bubble. As well as the feeling of being angry the other day somewhat consumes me before I get sick. Why is that there people who are trying to be so superficially sweet and all of a sudden they would angry at you when you didn't gave them what they need? I'm totally sulking the other day that somehow it fall over the place and mixed up everything.

Okay it pretty much summed up what I am feeling today. My head still achingly pounding. Now I'm planning some clock watching real soon or maybe curl up with a good book.

random rants about being 24

So after some merrymaking days I came back to my old self again. I was selfishly keeping all the thoughts to my self as if my life ever mattered to the world of blogosphere. I just don't know what to say anymore. Or it's just the right way silently for me to put it.


Again, there goes in the left corner the same old fancy table cluttered with my hair dirt, cat's fur and a few book stacks waiting for me to read. This is exactly the same bubble where I used to spent all my waking hours desperately thinking how life passes swiftly to anyone but not me. If there's anything in the world that came to my realization right now is that 'life isn't fair after all'.

It's obviously stupid for me to ask questions on why can't I just be where I want to be and not feeling this certain limitation that I haven't felt for such a long time now. This is something I really tried to disregard without any doubt, a reality check I never dare to fathom. It stinks how I cannot possibly enjoy life to the fullest which is very much impossible to attain or somehow at least to break away from these barriers not just once a month of going outdoors. I miss attending regular college classes which I believe I could finish anytime whenever I want to but not now. Until someone good told me I better stick to my writing course because this is what gives me all the good fortune cookie. Sounds like a sweet tap in my back that finally I was born to do this or maybe not and there I was exposed to this online contributing business where you are commonly called 'SEO' in your own right. Basically, I could have done more if not because of this limitation which I kept on overcoming everyday not because of the limitation rather by the circumstances it brought along. Somehow, this is the same reason why I'm fond of cats which most normal people won't understand the sense of companionship and comfort they tend to show you. Just like I said before, I were going to do the same task mostly everyday like these stuff I might already went insane to death or else you'll find me talking to myself which I don't want to happen. In any case, I'll stay sick in a matter of days or two for too much tweaking or copy write myself. I know, it was absurd, depressing and a little bit of everything.

De-cluttering is one of the most everyday chores I am not enjoying the most too and I know you do. It's quite of a big deal for me to keep on going without the things I get used to well I should have included that in my resolution's list instead, I will tell you when I get there. It's just that the mind has a hard habit to break.

Last Thursday 04 Feb., I turned 24 somehow the age I dreadfully dreaded aside from being 25 next year. The world of adults are too much crap! They pretend to be grown-ups but they aren't grown up at all. One more thing you know that I came from a family who don't celebrate birthdays, Christmas or any festive pagan belief that contradicts the Bible so it was somehow a typical day. The dinner was awesome even though it was rush and everyone is cramming to cook because my nephew mostly kids of my cousin are hungry waiting. Well, what people don't know much about me is that I hate grand celebrations or even parties which seems to kinda like a attention-getter-seeker galore. But I appreciate all the warm wishes, kind thoughts and memories from everyone I happen to came across personally and online. You are all amazing. Well, as much I'm having less fun on being cranky and complaining whatever goes through me at the end day, suddenly it starting to fade. It must be because all these things makes me better in the end it gets me more closer to the kind of person I really want to be that is truly who I am. I can impatience at times sort of a snob at times but I can happily say that I am becoming good in handling emotions now especially the moods swings I experiencing mostly everyday. It is somehow part of what you call 'maturity' in the process that is very innate in us. The water that runs too deep finally it subsides to cool it down I was telling that to myself the other day. Well, let us take one step at a time. There's no need to rush.

Notice how I started off this entry quite contrasting. Sounds like I'm on a bad day so far not that close but I'm obviously stating how routine kind of life seems so monotonous at times and tires you down easily. And this is how sadly I manage to live my life on a day to day basis. Sometimes, I tried to stick on matter that we all do have a choice and if this day I chose to be happy because this is my choice nothing would stop me from being happy. The choices we make in life is somehow what defines us in one way or the other. And this is what I love about living this life.

It is raw, pure and simple ME.

My one simple wish is that to wake up someday in another city some sort of time traveling in the unknown that would be a great adventure. To be more realistic speaking in my own terms, I NEED A VACATION! Will someone booked me a flight anywhere away from home just for one day? Someone out there listening who will spare some of that wish I will be grateful. Yes, indeed. Okay. Silly me! This is what you get reading too much sci-fi out of this world this world novels where a genie meets aladin shouting ABRA-KADBRA!

On the other hand, I'm also back on reading a few new and old books from the cluttered book stacks in my desk to collect more thoughts and re-collects. The house is more like a dog and cat shelter nowadays I'm enjoying the company of these felines so hungry mouths to feed.

I'm almost up til this late and I'm ready to start a new week. Keeping my finger's cross for nothing but just a smooth sailing, not much stress-free week.