Thank God for Wifi's

I don't know why. 

It's been a long time for me to come up with words to filled up this cold and empty space in the blogosphere.

I should have listen to myself more often to sit and write here whenever I have the time. I'm just too caught up with the things going on in real life. Most of the time, it is getting more complicated that I better wear the toughest skin as ever. Such is life!

Anyways, the laptop is firing up long hours as I am catching up a series of new episodes of The Walking Dead and New Girl as well simultaneously every week. Yeah, I'm a sucker for zombies. Plus, these hot new Korean dramas and movies are totally enticing for me lately. I have no other way to survive these whole week of online work routines (thank God for wifi's!) as the television broke just a couple of months ago. Yes, it's not a big deal after all.

I'm totally pumped up that everything is on the internet nowadays. I remember watching movies in a VHS tape on weekends after preparing all my lessons and assignments for school which became an addiction and a habit at the same time. The availability is in our hands with just one click away anything is possible with technology. Everything is fast pace and even in learning you can educate yourself with the things you have never known before. How fascinating.

Looking back at life down memory lane, it was such a great learning experience where you can do nothing but to appreciate and embrace the simplicity of life where the kids of today may not have the chance to experience. I guess, generation differs after generation. A cycle that we all got into whether we are aware or not. But most of the time we want to break free from the chaos. 

I admit I'm very fond of nostalgia as it hits me from time to time again. It is the kind of feeling of holding onto the memories of the past no matter how complicated the present as it never changes and it always been hiding inside of you. It all may sound too cliche but it is what it was and it will be. A feeling that something or someone has been lost but there's nothing to be regretful actually. 

When I think about all this by now, feels I'm talking like a different person. We are all changing for a lot of possible reasons most of the time we aim for growth as an individual because we can't always be the same person like we were just yesterday. 

Although to me everything feels like just yesterday. It all comes into a blur that everything happens so fast that I might not even know what I did in a matter of days, weeks or years. 

We will never know. God only knows. 

Silent No More

I NEVER tend to hate hate.

It's just that I'm too caught up with all these so many emotional turmoil from here and there that I barely didn't notice how much space it eaten up my time and attention to the extent of a nervous breakdown (don't worry I'm still far from being insane!). So far, real life can really be too disappointing at times. Well, same old story and issues nothing new. It is not supposed to be that way though it lingers. No matter how much I ignore what some people say about it is still bothersome. I guess, it is their problem anyway. I don't care.

For so many times I lost my own voice to voice out whatever emotion I felt during on a day to day basis whether I am angry, sad nor even when I'm at my most upbeat spirits. Now I just realize what about me letting go of this fear of standing to what I believe in no matter what would people say in my circles. Maybe because I'm the one who is more understanding, tolerant and careless towards anyone who would asked me any favor. So to speak, I just go on with the flow of things even if it makes everything worse. I do give myself a credit for that.

It just so hard to explain that sometimes I really do need space for me to grow and let go of these whatever that I need to voice out. I also do get angry at times but that doesn't mean I took grudges of anyone whenever I need to be myself. If you're not with me to the things that I say, well it is just fine for me. I don't hold your right to express the things you ought to say. We all goes through certain phases in our life when we need to spend some time alone for self reflection, meditation and even cast out the angst whatever your heart tells you. That's the same thing with crying. Crying doesn't really mean you are weak because people do cry for various reasons. But most of the time, we do cry for holding on to the pain or whatever that is for so long.

It is part of human existence. As a matter of fact, I do love to experience all that emotion in my lifetime to distinguish from one emotion to the other. But that doesn't mean I'm crazy. I'm just a weirdo. Mostly, it is just my way of embracing my skin, my uniqueness, quirkiness, vulnerability, flaws and everything that makes me human.

I am probably disabled in the outside but in my own world feels like there's so many things I need to do like learn a new art, places to explore, maybe pursue a new career, or write more lenses as always. I am a modern day dreamer dreaming of a wings so I can fly to somewhere I've never been before. Some say, it's not to late that if you are really wanted something why don't you give it a shot.

Remember, losers are only quitters. 

Currents

date: 11/05/2012

location:     obviously at home
eating:        Tuyo (dried fish) on top of a warm rice
drinking:     plenty of COFFEE and a glass of iced water
enjoying:    distance learning, blogging stuff, writing on Wizzley, HubPages and Squidoo
listening:     a random playlist from Linkin Park, OPM (Original Pinoy Music) to Tori Amos
wishing:      the major renovation of the house continues and be able pay the remaining mortgage.
thinking:     of sleeping earlier than 12MN or maybe not.. It depends.
making:      a mountains out of a mole hill.. just kidding! Working on my newest lens, hubs or wizz..
                   or else finish all my Math exercises.. I hate Math.
feeling:       sick of PMS, sleepy, sad, nostalgic pretty much lately.. kinda tired too.
loving:        watching my cats and dogs sleep beside me in the couch while blogging.

Have you ever been HURT so bad?

I can't believe how much these level of hurt can make a great impact in my life. Have you ever been hurt so bad feels like you were living through hell all your life, a nightmare you kept on pinching yourself to be fully wide awake? I know we all do. Most of the time, we think to ourselves its better to run away from all of this mess.

A never ending battle I seem to fight with everyday wishing life will be fair somehow for me. I've been through a lot of ups and downs and a few bumps in the road but today was never like the day it was before. As it blocks out every positive in my system hoping somehow there is goodness among people. I should have known better how time flies, things change and people do change for the better and some even for the worse. I just can't stand the hypocrisy of some claiming they will stand behind you through the stormy times of your life but you always end up being alone.

Been tired of false hopes and irrepairable family relationships and individual differences that seems a never ending marathon of arguments and bad mouthing. I guess, it falls down to one thing: we can never be perfect neither do I am not perfect as we are all made of flaws and all. So don't try to look for perfection as for the moment you look upon it you'll end up in vain.

Never exaggerate your hope not until the specific things in your mind has finally materialize. It implies as well in dealing with people never lose hope but don't be too clingy for the memories are the only ones that stays. Be open with new ideas as well to criticisms that might can break or make your spirits at the end of the day. I know how much I wasn't aware to that until now and still struggling with how I am going to cope up whenever I'm down again to that darker road.

Now I'm writing all these things so that all the negatives will be erase and flew down somewhere I cannot go and to be at peace with myself knowing I didn't hurt anybody through these words. Sometimes, there are words that are better left unsaid. It does come so real to me. Someday, these things will be over and never an ounce of this hurt will ever hurt me again. It will surely does pass like a barred arrow which intentionally missed its target.

Hoping to write more positive thoughts next time.

To be continued..