What if time machines really do exist.

Pretty much my life is a myriad of routines of waking up and staying up and mostly keeping my mind set on track whenever these little earthquakes tried to steal away my composure. Every day has always been a struggle I guess ever since I was born.

There are times my inner self painstakingly cried so hard to what life has to offer for me. As much as I tried to be the best person that I could ever be it always falls down that my best wasn't good enough for anyone.

I never hunger for attention nor sympathy or any admiration that somehow for some people I define bravery and that I never say die. I guess, my best wasn't good enough to make it this far or maybe just maybe I keep on living through Divine intervention that I'm still here. Good grief!

When I was young I really thought time machines really do exist. Its like how they do in the movies people time travel and one snap they can go places where they had never been. No sore feet. No hassle. And one blink of an eye everything is different. We are not who we supposed to be kind of episodes.

Then, Mom and Dad won't grew apart.
I will not be a by a product of a broken family.
I can go places I've never been.
Go bungee jumping.
Ride a hot air balloon.
Build my own house full of laughter and smiles.
Create a shelter for neglected cats and dogs.
Wear dresses and heels.
Love like you'll never get hurt.
Etc. etc.

Wow, there's just so many things coming out into my so-called bleak mind. I can't stop giggling like a lost little girl. I can almost picture myself doing all those things though I know I might not be the person I am now today writing this. Though anything is possible with the power of words, persistent, verbs, adjectives and little dash of imagination as if it could really happen.

That is if only time machines really do exist.

A blessing and a curse.

Voila!

You might find me at the most unconventional circumstances this time of the year. I'm really trying to keep my track in my composure as much as possible in whatever life and people has going to throw on me. I've always been that way ever since. I realize how everyone has been so moved  on and having a of life their own. Good for them anyway. I guess, life is what it is. Sometimes, the things we cared so much and longed for and worked hard for can be so harder to reach. Likewise about people you just can't rely on them as they also has a life of their own. That's a freaking reality. Such is life. And that is how freaking my life lately.

Though I've always had a hundred reasons to be thankful most especially when a pretty rough day has passed. I know I'm on another phase again on re-examining and searching through myself how far can I go on in this life. I've always know ever since a kid how much this disability can be a blessing and a curse. I bet you. I got the best and the worst of both worlds. And I very much know the limitation that it will brought me as I go on with my life as an adult and the coming years. I am no longer a teenager either an eighteen year old who is still in the shadows my own fears and rejection of others. I am now in my mid-twenties who supposed to know that this is exactly what I really wanted to do. In my case, its always been different because I tend to live my life on a purpose not for the sake of pleasing the wants, wishes and desires of other people.

I'm trying to live for myself. Yes, you have to learn to love yourself above anyone else before you can show love to others in return. I must say, it is never been truer in any lifetime.

But at the end of the day no matter how hard the curse I tried to hold on to the notion that this disability is a blessing in a more bigger picture.

xoxo