I felt so uncertain these days if I ever wanted a resolution in the first place. More often it came out as self-agreement of the things you wanted to do but chances are circumstances failed you in one way or the other. I just can’t stand to be forever bugged myself about what must be, should be and would be expected of me. A snap back of reality that we must embrace life as it comes everyday as a gift and better make the most of it.
Now we are entering into greater heights, a new century indeed as they say. Eventually because of all the things that went through the past year it made us into a better person than we are before. There are lessons learned, unfinished business, failed relationships, loss of a loved one, un-mend broken hearts, irreparable grudges and differences and the list goes on.. I must tell you it was never sound as easy listing on as all the memories as it brings all back to life. Picture yourself, into the depth of the situation feels like it’s the point of no return as it sucks all the life in you and the easiest escape you can ever found knowing to yourself that this too shall pass. I call it “madness”.
I guess, the madness is still there. It clings and it subsides. Though I am not complaining because it is what makes me more grateful to where I am now and to the amazing Mom who knew how to fight for her right and her children amidst chaos having a dysfunctional family. It was never her fault even though she shared her own shortcomings as well. I witness the sleepless nights dreading herself on what exactly went wrong in a relationship she’d given all her best. Our story might be a typical lonesome one but since it is my blog I have all the right to blog about it. Call it venting, a lame excuse, or another depressing entry again from me although it is a new year. So what?
Having your voice heard is what I got from her. We share the same passion to fight what is right even though it often leads us into a compromising situation. It felt good to see how we brave all the storms together to the pursuance of my education up to the chances of finding the right treatment and medication of this rare genetic bone disease. Pretty much my life depends on to those people who know how to cherish and treasured me as a person in my own little ways. Before I didn’t get the idea of why I am becoming so dependent a lot of times and why can’t I do some stuff on my own and be independent as much as I’d like to. I was bitter. I was helpless as I can ever be. I was basically the most pathetic person you’ll ever know on earth.
It’s not that I don’t dare to be open, it’s just that things doesn’t properly sink into me that sometimes life throws us anything. It can hit you real hard maybe throw you under the bus but it doesn’t mean you have to be stuck and be stranded in your so-called “madness”. I realized as they say, “No man is an island”. We depend on each other people in a good way. That is why I wouldn’t close my door in anything like new ideas for a new project, interacting to people, or maybe be more approachable this time. I don’t know. Most of the time, I lack the courage to be myself and I’m just so hard to deal with..
On the spiritual side, I must say having to know the TRUTH gave me the confidence to face whatever goes through the day and somehow keeping me grounded whenever I lost the sense of ability to discern the difference between love and hatred, fairness and equality, good and evil, finding good things in the hearts of people I came across. I was a social snob and prefer to work on my conversations in a written word rather than shout it all out. Though I totally admit I am not perfect I often can easily get irritated by petty things that doesn’t deserve to be. Anyway, it is not to be mentioned here. As I am reflecting after being 8 years in the truth, the more you draw yourself closer to Jehovah the enemies will make everything harder for you even though it varies from one struggle to the other. I felt being matured spiritually is not measured on how you are being nice to every single person you meet or how many hours you do in the ministry but on how you practice what you preach. I guess, that is the hardest part I ever did in the last year, well mostly every day. We need long suffering even harder today more than ever. But only Jehovah does see our hearts and knows all our intentions and it just melts my heart on how HE never fails us. I guess, that is the faith that moved my life to make me win every day life’s battle. Let’s keep ourselves be enlighten by the amazing God’s word. It is a refuge we can ever grasp and somehow it will straighten your path.
And for all the joy, disappointments, heartaches, grudges, hatred, appreciation, love and friendships and all of the above happened last year and those that are not needed to be mentioned here somehow let’s charge everything to experience.
Don’t cringe! I’m still the average everyday sane psycho you’ll ever think of and to those who knew me personally just meet me halfway!
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