a dozen broken friendships

Aren't promises for keeps and not meant to be broken? Sadly, things happen on contrary. For the most part in any relationship no matter how you tried to patch it up, work it out, make the most of it suddenly it wasn't feel right. You will just know the feeling that there's something going on and out of the blue that someone walks away.



The same way happen to friendships that suddenly blooms in your circle of friends. There are times when it seems like you have nothing to fear because finally there is someone who took all the guts to stand up and fight for you. Someone who appreciate you as a person and accepted you even the darkest of all the skeletons in your closet.

If I could summed up all the friendships I made in this lifetime I can say that I really tried though I've never been an open book to anyone. It's not that I didn't trust anybody. I tried to believe that people in general that comes on our way serves something on purpose. Somehow, they are like gifts I learned to treasure on the same purpose that how often I wish they will stay forever here on my side.

But at the end of it all you only got yourself to depend on. There's no use in wasting all your time pondering why things happen and suddenly it all started out to shutdown the life you had already established socially. Life should never stop from where you're at.

Life is strange at times.

Sometimes, you never know what people want these days.

A lasting friendship in need or in deed?

Monday Wa-Fi

Broadband as in no broader connection! Is that what it stands for? Geez! It is giving me so much crap these days. Pretty much my so-called “jobs” are all online so why I have to be the one to suffer this loss of connectivity.

I’ve been writing paid articles for almost a year now believe it or not. I’ve written a bunch out there. Some are a bunch of rubbish and some are quite good (to what I call) for my own pleasure. Well, some find it informative and others find it very elementary. That’s okay.

That is why I can see the greater demands of Wi-fi… as in wireless LAN! Just imagine what if every street in Manila there’s a wi-fi… Wow, it’s going to be much expensive. Anyway, forget all my qualms… I’m not pointing fingers here. It just boils into one thing, I hate things messing up. I don’t know why. Uhhmmm...

I think I’m becoming very much an obsessive compulsive checking my mail, dashboard freak, holding this old cranky laptop.. I don't know. I just love how things going on my way.

I remember how I used to cram every time these time of the week arrives and I end up dreaming it would be Friday again. I don't know. I just feel lost sitting between the whole crowd of people my age.. Like I always use to up today. I always thought I was different. That's one thing, I'm sure.

This is a pretty mixed up world I'm living in. You live, you learn! Yeah, yeah.. Coming from an Alanis Morisette song in the mid 90's I just love that angry sound chick. She sounds very angry at that time... But I don't think so. No being angry is outdated now. I think she's being so emo. Anyway..

When you are about to start your week its a good thing you have to start it in a good vibe for the whole weekdays to be followed. It is something I heard from older generation.. Why not? We all deserve a good week days. We can make it. Be productive. Say what you want to say. Do what you want to do. Start it right.

Of course, it should start first in yourself.. Oh, gosh. Talking about yourself to feel good.. here's 50 good things about me: (shhhh, just don't tell anyone I know)

1.) I don't sleep with my eyes fully shut.
2.) I can sleep both with lights on and off.
3.) When I was in 2nd grade I won in a Spelling Bee and I remember I spelled "w-e-a-t-h-e-r" and I was the only one got it right.
4.) I can type even without looking at the keys on my keyboard like a speed of marching ants.
5.) I don't easily get a joke.
6.) I'm more like a cat lover. But I don't want to be away with my dogs especially my only one best friend "Inno".
7.) I can stand listening to classical.. Like songs in the birth of my parents. Best year songs ever made!
8. I can't easily sleep unless I condition my mind to sleep.
9. I'm an obsessive compulsive dashboard checker.. I know you all do.
10. I love being spiritual rather being religious. Spiritual in a sense I have something to reserve for myself because I don't want to be shun I usually does speak my mind because that's how God made us with free-will to choose.
11. Yeah, I love to chat most of the time.. I'm usually very much a timid speaker in person.. I love having a few small conversation and okay meeting people as well.
12. I don't celebrate Christmas, birthdays, any non biblical based celebration. But I love receiving gifts at times. Don't hesitate! :)
13. I got a lot of phobias. I'm a self-confessed agoraphobic.. basically, the fear of being left out in an unfamiliar places or leaving home. Ewww.. Feels like I want to cry.
14. I love watching Asian chick flicks. Though not the romantic side but on the characters.. come on, I am Asian.
15. I'm not afraid in ghost or supernatural.
16. I have a natural straight black jet hair but when I get a little older it started to get wavy and curly.. oh, gosh. It's hard to maintained so I just got Rebonded.
17. I use to scratch my head when I feel so uneasy or well just answering questions.. like right now. See?
18. My mom use to be my English adviser when I was in 4th grade in elementary.
19. I'm easily bugged with what other people say.
20. I usually wear PJ's while working on my Squidoo pages.. Aren't they a nice work suit?
21. I am easily get caught up when telling a lie. I can't hide my evil smile.. I don't know. It appears.
22. I'm really working hard for my dream mac laptop.
23. I think I am more a twitter user than before because I am more wiser now.
24. I can speak and write fluently in Tagalog.
25. I am using more my Right Brain because I'm a word nerd.
26. My favorite meal almost everyday is rice.
27. I've never experience to sleep in a luxurious hotel.
28. I undergone three major surgeries in my two lower extremities: 2 feet and 2 knees. The first one in 2002. The second one in 2006. The recent is just this year.
29. I have two dearly love younger sisters named Natalie Angela and Neriza. Our names started in letter N after my mom's name.
30. I love drinking Lingzhi coffee at late hours.
31. I'm a Psychology undergrad.
32. About to plan my next cyber-crime as an international spy or maybe I'm your number one stalker you never know.
33. I went to see Twilight. Oh, Edward. I'm always fascinated by vampires stories ever since I read Anne Rice's novels.
34. I can't play any instrument.
35. Sometimes I feel like talking nonsense just for the fun of it.
36. I realize that "how are you?" is an overrated question to ask. How can you say you are okay if you are not.
37. I have a fear of losing a loved-one.
38. I do counting sheeps just to fall asleep.
39. Sometimes I really cried so hard.
40. I have a habit over-thinking it helps me to stressed out what is inside.
41. Obviously, I spend much time in the internet.
42. I'm a bookworm since birth.. The first Disney book I read is "Pinocchio" and of course "My Book of Bible Stories".
43. My favorite Bible verse is Revelation 21:4.
44. I hate gibberish numbers. So, I hate math!
45. What else? I live in Asia. Somewhere here in the Philippines to a city called "Caloocan".
46. I don't usually talk much in person.
47. I have my own world at times.
48. I'm different. I'm special.
49. I love Squidooing most of the time!
50. Yehey, and most of all I am a Giant Squid.

Note to Readers!

As much as possible I'm trying to be a little more upbeat though with all these weather jazz makes me feel sick all over again. But, I wouldn't let it stop me. Promise! No more too emotional posts this time. I've been all the way through these things all over again and there some stuff I could never change no matter what I do. If things will still work out I'll be posting some thoughts on these blog about whatever. Let's just call it "randomize" from a scatterbrained. I was browsing through some past entries on my previous blogs somehow it paved a way some sort of a healing process for me. This is my journey. This is my battle -- I've been sticking for almost like years now.

I have no intention to change anything what I have started. I think this is great about blogging you have the chance retrieve everything you have put into what you have written and later on, disregard it. I am telling you, it really makes you feel better as the time goes by. You wouldn't know who in the world can get into your page who knows you might encrypt a deeper impact. I just beg your pardon on errors you'll find in my part if it either be my opinions(agree or disagree?), perspective, spelling, grammar or whatever that is! Please don't condemn me...

Share your thoughts. Don't be afraid. Let's live life.

Thanks to you (whoever reading this blog right now). Now it is my pleasure.

major financial sabotage, oh well!

As I am typing this post for the umpteenth time I'm continually wishing for this cranky laptop not to shutdown. I really feel helpless as my mind swirling around for ideas I haven't come up with anything fabulous at this hour because I badly needed it. I know, how much this dumb machine means to me -- like "this is my life right now" and it always will.. Thank you Mr. Cooler! For those who haven't knew who Mr. Cooler is.. It's the guy underneath every laptop which enable to cool off laptops. Well, that's explain it under my own assertive knowledge and the best of my ability. So, what's with the way I talk today. Nothing. Period. I always talked this way though not so obvious.

Oh, well what can I do. The money that I earned in for a year went out in the drain for some reasons I allowed it half-heartedly. I really didn't expect how in the world I will regret it in the end of it all. Here I am feeling miserable using this CRAP! It crash down every single minute.. and it easily heats up and I really do need PATIENCE! How the heck I'm gonna earn it all within a month? I just don't like to be dependent to anyone for providing a replacement. DARN! Sorry I'm really pissed off. But that is all words. After all, it much better to ramble it here than all of a sudden I explode. There it soothes me. Finally I can breathe again. Shhh Shhh

Everything is a matter of timing. I felt so unsure how things will work out with some of the issues unfortunately surrounding me.. No, "unfortunately" is not a proper word. Is there a word much pathetic than that? I'm not like that. Though I often sound like I'm the worst in the world. Not really. No matter how life treated me I see to it I had the soundest laugh in the morning. The worst part of existence is merely a matter you have to deal with if you have no choice. So, I'm still the grandest thing, ever!

mind over matter

Do I heard myself right? Darn! I'm a little off the whole week for being sick and feeling miserable every time I get up on my chair. Hopefully, I'm getting better soon as soon as this weekend ends. I don't know. I can't barely sleep too.

I am easily distracted by so many things nowadays whether I ignore it or not. These days I'm having a hard time to make up a good point and to stand by through it no matter what. Though, I really tried to see things in a more wider perspective that somehow I am able to send the message across without having any offense to anyone especially those close to my heart.

For so many times I dreadfully dreaded to live forever in the shadow of this fear that I didn't even try myself to express, reached out and to feel any kind of emotion. I am not afraid to be single out because I've been there for so long. On top of it all, you cannot please people all the time like these barriers you can't always expect to win.

No, I never see it a downfall in anyway or if it was just let it all out. Don't let anyone shut you down from being yourself just for the sake of making a stand even if you're the last one standing. Let it go. Breathe. Just breathe. Sometimes, you all have to do is to break the ice. Don't stay to the norms get out of your shell.

You'll never know you might touch a life and people realize how you really meant it not to hurt them. That's what I do. I am continually asking for that strength to endure every time these moment comes when everything is so hard to bear. We all have that barriers. Sometimes, barriers are self-imposed after all you can't do anything but just to live with it.

Any weekend barriers?

overdue blog

A LONG OVERDUE COLD SYNDROME strikes on me again. I hate when these things ruin your day as I've been taking Decolgen for nasal congestion and sore throat. The minimal uneasiness eventually subsides as I'm getting to use these abrupt change of weather. Though I am feeling a lot better now. I regretted that I didn't write for the reason I am not at my best. So, this makes it a far overdue blog too.

No, I haven't turning away or anything. It just happened that the three days over the weekends are very much exhausting for me. However, it is so great to spending some time with a few good people just for a change of my typical routine. And I loved it! Of course, I didn't forgot the District Convention Theme: Guided By the Holy Spirit - which is much earlier this year. The newly baptised went up to 141. The new release of literature makes it also exciting for us. I just can't believe the answers I've been reading at my hands. It's the same answers for questions left me puzzled wary for so many days, months now. Pretty much the symposium tackles everything I never imagine myself missing it if I didn't make it until the last day. The last day was quite hard for me I've been sick the early morning of preparation until I calm myself if I really can make it that day.

I am glad I've been surrounded by a lot supportive people who never gets tired of me. Just as this year, I realize how things can quickly changed by circumstances in one or another no matter how we chose it to be or not to be. But, as I heard: Make the Truth as your own... like how Jehovah love us first..

After the assembly, a sister friend dropped me and my sister at home.. It feels good and grateful that I'm still there.. Sitting in that corner, though there are certain things change.. I don't know.

Goodbye, Bestfriend Goldie!

Now, I just realize I'm not been twittering for almost two days or even blogging as if I've been going somewhere... NOPE! Never I could imagine. Sometimes, how frustrating it is if you are not even close to what you are supposed to be doing. I'm in and out of my regular routine in the past few days.. It feels like all the side tracks of life eventually having it's toll on me. Have you ever felt like you just had enough? Just like the plain simple "enough is enough." Sadly, I am.

Yesterday, we said goodbye to my oldest cat Marigold or Goldie.. We have her for almost 4 years now in and outdoor. Well.. four years that makes it about 32 years old in human years. It feels like I've lost a best friend, a great friend although sometimes she isn't that sweet because she doesn't like to be hugged at all times. I can't count how many fish she stole on my plate.. Verrrry pesky! Awww, I will miss feeding you in the morning, tomorrow!

...And then there's 4 cats left.

random musings

So many things still going on in my head right now can't find its way out. It is some sort of a feeling I tend to disregard for a couple of times. It pushes me away into a limit of something I didn't expected. There are things I should have learned to live from now on and I'm pretty sure it's not going to be easy after all the things are said and done. I'm tired. I'm restless as I can ever be. I'm freaking out with every little things as far as I'm concern. I'm totally out of the loop. Pretty much I'm a bit of everything. This emotional blackmail continues to unravel until it is taking it's toll on me. No. I'm not even giving up and I'm not even halfway through this journey.

Everything is just actually starting ever since I wake up. How can you be fully awake when you're actually not even asleep? How can you forget the things you really want to forget? How can you make a move when you haven't cross the line? How can you say you know me but you haven't see me? How can you say you'll be there if you haven't been here? How can you talk when you can't say nothing at all? How can it stop when it's actually just starting? How can I finish when I haven't been started? How can I let go when it's not yet fully over?

Complexities mostly come up to me everyday. It goes and it goes like a myriad sets of patterns and questions people often don't care of answering. Sometimes, it doesn't make sense to them. That's why they don't care. Good times.