Today as I am trying my best at least to make it all understand I suddenly I felt really tired thinking why things happen to be this way.. I've been trying to reach you in any means but I haven't even heard a single word from you. I know this may sound nothing to you and I know how you made things complicated for all of us. I am hurting by the hurt that you had cause at some point I am not the only one who are suffering with the pain and betrayal. I don't know if it's intentional or not I don't care but why does it have to be like a literal slap in the face.
I don't know to you but I am recalling all the good memories that we both shared as a family but it all seems vanished as I felt you just put everything into waste. What can I do? Maybe it is too late now. Somehow, the damage has been done. No more explanation needed. Isn't too obvious how you manage everything as if smoothly planned? How could do this to us? We don't have anything against you or caused you pain in any way or maybe in my part as your kid you had felt that I was failure. Yes, I've been a failure in so many ways. But I never turn my back with the reality that I had this disability that I have to go on with life like this. Pero ikaw you just left us hanging in the air.. Instead of holding us back even for sake of all the good memories that we had as a family.. You always turn us away.. Is that what is meant by your silence amidst in all this dilemmas. I am afraid of the person you are right now. It seems like I don't recognize you anymore.
I felt pity and scared for the future. I'm scared that because of all this we may lose everything or should say I already lose you as my father. I don't understand how this freedom made you into someone as you are right now. Some say that a parent's job is eternity. It is timeless and never ending. There are times I felt this void of absence of not having you in our life for quite some years now. Though it really doesn't matter in how you view it. As I am endless asking myself, do you ever miss me? Do ever take time to think about me? Do you ever cared if I can still make it through the day? And every time you are enjoying yourself with other's company or your son's company, do you ever think about me? us? Or do you ever take time to read my emails?
You don't know how I manage to spent the day in the little corner at home, in front of this dumb machine feels like my world goes by a slowly. I was sitting outside the porch the other day, I saw a girl like my age walking around with her group of friends talking about her someone special. I just thought maybe if things a little more different I can also be like that girl.. Somehow, I see myself in the shoes of that girl living life to the fullest though there maybe hardships along the way. It just reminds me of you how you are wasting your own life. Maybe I'm not the right person to tell you what's wrong and what is right. I guess, you should've know that.
Sorry for becoming too whiny in this email.. This is the only way I can think of to let it all out and somehow to reach out to you.. I hope one day we can possibly found the healing in each of our hearts.
Time can tell if all wounds heal and everything restored.
