When social norms is too much to bear

Sometimes, we cared too much on what people may think about on us the way we manage our thoughts as if there’s no room for improvement. It’s not that I care less to the norms of the truth I’ve always believing in. I don’t know. Anyway, it’s not something to bugged me that I owe everybody an explanation for things that is happening beyond or not beyond my will as for the moment no matter what it is.



After all this is still my life and I’m sticking to it. Now I know now why people tend to escape “social norms” as if it sucked up everything in your potential for the most part we all do deserve to achieve that level of growth within and out of ourselves as long as it doesn’t compromise the welfare of the others.

It is so many times I’ve heard them say, “Think outside the box, you’ll never know what it is in there maybe endless possibilities.” Don’t let anyone mold you for who you are not. For the moment you let them, they might take away the life in you. Who would want to be a walking doll that is forever dependent to his masters? Even if you are un-capable of doing things your own, you are still a valuable weak vessel in the eyes of Jehovah. Even God himself would want us to see things on our own balancing whether if behind all the darkness there’s still beauty that lays on every deceptive part. He never ever dictates. I tried to believe so that we all do have our own stories to tell, things to shout-out into the world even though we are not sure how. In my case, I did try writing my thoughts in a blog like this or any topic close my heart on the things I loved to do. Though I’m not still the grandest with all this things at the end of the day it’s a great feeling that before you go to sleep you have something to share to the rest of the world whether they will read it or not. It doesn’t matter. Leave an impact. Make a difference. Be the change you want to see to the world. Most of all be you, not anyone else.

This is all I can say I’m not perfect and you are not perfect either. We are both having these same genes and shared our strengths and weakness. It’s really up to us on how we will let ourselves be molded by the good and the bad this system has to offer. You know what I did? I’m not also picking up all the good things but also the bad things in a sense that it serves me a lesson. It’s not that I’m repeating my bad choices its how we manage to pick out the positive out from the negative. Somehow, I know the real world is very much different how they will treat me if I am also able-bodied like them. I can almost imagine the difference but sometimes I imagine myself being normal working in a much different office unlike what I do at home well not thinking about the pressure everyday but still have a lot of difference. I don’t know. Sometimes, you just can’t stop thinking if things will be different. Have you?

Anyway, I just said that. That doesn’t mean a sour note to end this entry. It’s just a part of what I call “a day in the life” for me. It isn’t that grand or something. Or even my words is too plain for you but it’s worthwhile when someone wasting time with me. Tomorrow will be a different case.

Sometimes you can't make it on your own...

As it turned out I never thought it would take me off some time to be able to get back on here again. So many things going on at this time of the year that some of us might be doing at some point. There, as I expected my laptop broke at the most unexpected time. Anyway, it is eventually giving up for it does give me a hard time using it! How frustrating!

Thanks to the ever generous younger sister for letting me do some updates from time to time. I really don't know if I can't stand a week without checking online. I'm on the process of waiting for the new replacement I've purchased on ebay. I really didn't get it. How come they keep me waiting for almost 3 weeks now. I don't know. The seller told me it usually would take some more weeks for it to arrive. Well, that is how their system works. And it leaves everything on my part pending even the work online. But still I'm keeping my days more productive on more greater things to do.

Of course, how can I forgot how special this month is. Yesterday is our Memorial Day. I'm surprised how the numbers of people attending this year increased compare to the other years. Just in our congregation, the attendance is about 455. I'm just glad to be part of those numbers who hadn't forgotten how much important it is that Jesus' sacrifice as well as the bigger sacrifice our father Jehovah did for the most of us individually. It just left me a feeling of... I don't know. It's not something to be sad for or anything. It's just that times are changing. Everything changed. I'm not gonna write more about it. Maybe in some other time of my posts. I really do have such a limited time here. But for the benefit of some spiritual friends I just want to let you know that I'm doing good not better not that worse. That is something to be thankful for no matter what. I'm trying my best and I know we all do in this system to do our best for Jehovah, no one else.

Also, it means that no new picture still to posts. I know, I've got a lot of catching up to do mostly here and there. We will see. We still have a lot of time. Make the most of it. That's only the best thing that we can do. Keep on the fine fight while the prize is on like they say.

Thanks for wasting time with me!

Not still moving along

All gone by so fast inevitably. I really didn't know it would took me off some time to be able to get back in writing online in all sorts. Weeks, weeks, weeks and weeks past I'm feeling unproductive due to all the pending stuff I've been working on.

But the good thing is that I manage to jot down scribble of thoughts on a piece of paper which most people taken for granted nowadays. I never thought how much I've been technologically dependent - one of my guilty pleasures!

The old Acer computer I'm using finally given up so I'm waiting for the replacement on the way which I didn't know it would take a bajillion of weeks of waiting. How frustrating!

I've been wanting to do much of my time to renew my working habits in a manner that it would serves me well in the end somehow. I was caught in a so-called rainy day blues financially which made my days out in the drain. It scares me to think how these unfathomable fear creep up on me in the normal days of the weeks.

How I wish my heart don't put too much emotion on me for thinking too much personal issues I've been confronted with. These emotional blockages taking its toll on me in my physical condition. I'm easily get tired than most of the usual days I've been hanging on. It is something I've been fighting on - not to be easily preoccupied by the things I'm not yet prepared to face.

Sometimes, there are some things I said that came out in the open which I really didn't mean to. It's hurting but once I had released it, it just keeps me feel better. No one has the right to shun me down from talking, from speaking what's on my mind and most of all to tell me what to feel. Once you been through all the hurt, that's the time you know how to react and stand for yourself no matter what people dictates you.

Have you heard how they say, it rains down-pour but I'm really trying to see much wider beyond my perspectives. It's hard to rely only on the things what you feel because sometimes it is the one will ruined you through destruction. I'm not scared of being left out with this burden which I have no choice but to carry as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

As for tonight, I will put an end to this by writing and maybe disregard it in the end sooner or later. I better refreshed all my thoughts and somehow I'll be able to write more positively.

Courage is a quiet little voice in your head saying I will try again tomorrow...

One of the best thing that life has to offer is that we always had a choice. No better and no worse that is. These days is a combination of being pretty much messed up and trying again after all everyday is an endless journey to a lot of possibilities. Behind closed doors I let it all out the feeling that for the first time in a very long time I'm confronted with a certain anxiety that pushed into shoved. It's not that I'm overreacting in a way I'm not supposed to be but this is the only thing I have and the only thing I can do. The problem with getting used in an everyday working routine in any kind of work you have you tend to cling to it. It becomes a part of your system which you really looking forward to mostly everyday.

Having this disability for quite in my entire life the internet serves as my rear view mirror to the world, a unique platform to express my thoughts in either way I wanted to do, plus this is where I can find my voice to make a difference in my own little ways. So, right now feels like my work is on pending. Everything works in this web system which only a few people in my life would understand as much as I tried to. I don't know. I just missed those quiet mornings curling up to read a book, little kitties running at my feet, enjoying the scorching sun outdoor so I pay a visit. A couple of brisk walk is still the best after I felt the sweat touching my brows. It is said that the morning sun (UV Light)is a great source of vitamin D which is good for the bones. Ideally for those weakling like me who is afraid having a few bruises in the knees when I was little. Mind you, I still love doing it, being with nature, a few hours of sitting in the bench at porch while watching the bystanders passing by. It just left me with a smile thinking if life could only be less a complicated if patterned under the laws of nature, simple but exceptional... No other word I can add up to that. It pretty much sums up this whole past few weekdays. Do you think I really need a life? Oh, come on...

A Matter of Life and Death

Conversations about Death

Work of Irma Sawitri


Life passes swiftly, but not the buried arrow
Death is the finish, but doesn't end with a final whistle
Between racking one's bones, newsclips of war and daily chatter
We are flung about and we make love
and ready ourselves to face new certainties

If only a person could choose the best way to die
I would die like a fighting cock, quickly
and not in bed
You mean with your body drenched in blood?
Yes, and what's wrong with that?

I thought I saw death standing stalwart
in the doorway
I thought I heard, "She has almost no pulse"
And then, in an instant, darkness came
and everything vanished
But the next morning there was the sun,
the morning paper
And the verge of something I've never understood.

I bow and I kneel, my two hands clasped
and tumbling pray with a beggar's determination
Don't take him, I whisper, don't take him
How can I be so fickle, and am I that contemptible?

Life is the best part of death,
and you are the best part of the dream
I never knew,
Why they didn't track you down or your grave
Though I did seek myself in you
in fissures of time
Forever asking but never finding
I was dragged asunder by the hurly-burly of the world
on my side didn't history once stand
albeit with no rifle or loudspeaker in hand

I can't believe I was writing my supposed to be last night's entry. This is the problem with me when I get so much tired almost the whole day all the plans of writing never pushed through. I've been through a monotonous routine of sleep mostly every night sometimes it just leaves me fully awake in the late midnight hours.

I'm really trying to be systematic nowadays. Very much not in a technical sense, but I'm trying not take things seriously I mean taking things as it is. Apparently, I've been successful if not I'm going to leave it plainly as it is. I'm tired everything. I'm tired of being anxious when it doesn't have to do with myself.

Now I have no choice. I'll be banned from blogging until I get a new computer. Bye for now. Hang in there! I'll write more soon about it. So sad... sad.. sad.

Unreasonable Spam Bait Filter Hooked My Lenses

All swell, but still never ends well. It never occurred to me how serious it is being faced with so many online issues, bugs, glitches, and accused of spamming on my pages. I really tried to believe in myself that I will never ever do spamming in my life.

It seems that it is found everywhere, turn in to your mail and there it delivers to you without knowing. Spam is not something edible which at first sounds like a good chunk of meat. Well, the point is it’s junk and bad to your health.

Okay, I hear you, Squid Team.

After all is said and done, it just left my brain toast in looking for some resolution. Anyway, having said that despite of these of all a sudden issues I hope to be back on writing some new stuff in the coming days. I just can’t focus right now even though I’m just here updating from here to there.

He says,

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat. -Theodore Roosevelt

Lost in the World of Grown-Up-Wannabes

I hope my absence from blogging doesn't make you alarm or anything. No, I didn’t jump off a cliff or locked up myself (almost!) in a darkened room. Calm down. I’m just exaggerating things lately.

Have you ever been attached to anything or someone in your life and you cannot let go?

Yes, most of us did. As a matter of fact, we all do. Probably, one of the easiest questions everyone can relate. It's not that I lost today my "junk car" which I had since college - doesn't mean I'll be sorry for the rest of my life. I will always remember that morning and evening class that my body almost dropped off from tiredness and that car somehow serves all the comfort I can get. I remember those errands to one building to next feels like I'm always cramming for the time not to be late on the next class. Elevators are not being good to me as well because every time I walked in first all eyes on me as if I've done something wrong. But all is well now. That's just my memories of my school days - all the gains and pains of being a student.

Well, what happen happens. Anyway, there's no use in crying over spilled milk. I just don't have any means to decide for myself right now. I never own me. I was caught in a situation where my best is not good enough. I strive to the best of my abilities and even to the degree that I forgotten that this is only where I'll ever be. No better. No worse. It's really hard to keep up in the world of grown ups - where I'm surrounded by a lot of grown-up-wannabes. Most likely if my teachers in high school as well in college would know I write for a living they will surely said I'm making up all this crap. All my apologies for not being the soundest in mind today but it doesn't mean I nearly lost my sanity! Heaven forbid. Well, one of those rough days again. I've been caught off guard along the tides of so many issues and dilemmas I dare to leave at the back of my head. If only I can brushed it off and be gone by the wind forever; it's like waking up in the morning - the feeling when you open your eyes feels like nothing ever happens from the day after tomorrow. Not until you have eaten your breakfast and everything sinks in all the matters of the day. It's feels good waking up those mornings just knowing how on earth you still blessed with the gift of life amidst all the fuzz. So far, I didn't follow a time schedule these days I live one day at a time. Pretty much making the most of it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I don't know. I just turned twenty-three this month its somehow unnecessary to mention but I guess it sucks how I am starting to take things so seriously just like grown-up-wannabes do. I don't want to be like them. But I don't have no choice. Either I'll be keeping up or be lost in this battle of everything.