Courage is a quiet little voice in your head saying I will try again tomorrow...

One of the best thing that life has to offer is that we always had a choice. No better and no worse that is. These days is a combination of being pretty much messed up and trying again after all everyday is an endless journey to a lot of possibilities. Behind closed doors I let it all out the feeling that for the first time in a very long time I'm confronted with a certain anxiety that pushed into shoved. It's not that I'm overreacting in a way I'm not supposed to be but this is the only thing I have and the only thing I can do. The problem with getting used in an everyday working routine in any kind of work you have you tend to cling to it. It becomes a part of your system which you really looking forward to mostly everyday.

Having this disability for quite in my entire life the internet serves as my rear view mirror to the world, a unique platform to express my thoughts in either way I wanted to do, plus this is where I can find my voice to make a difference in my own little ways. So, right now feels like my work is on pending. Everything works in this web system which only a few people in my life would understand as much as I tried to. I don't know. I just missed those quiet mornings curling up to read a book, little kitties running at my feet, enjoying the scorching sun outdoor so I pay a visit. A couple of brisk walk is still the best after I felt the sweat touching my brows. It is said that the morning sun (UV Light)is a great source of vitamin D which is good for the bones. Ideally for those weakling like me who is afraid having a few bruises in the knees when I was little. Mind you, I still love doing it, being with nature, a few hours of sitting in the bench at porch while watching the bystanders passing by. It just left me with a smile thinking if life could only be less a complicated if patterned under the laws of nature, simple but exceptional... No other word I can add up to that. It pretty much sums up this whole past few weekdays. Do you think I really need a life? Oh, come on...

A Matter of Life and Death

Conversations about Death

Work of Irma Sawitri


Life passes swiftly, but not the buried arrow
Death is the finish, but doesn't end with a final whistle
Between racking one's bones, newsclips of war and daily chatter
We are flung about and we make love
and ready ourselves to face new certainties

If only a person could choose the best way to die
I would die like a fighting cock, quickly
and not in bed
You mean with your body drenched in blood?
Yes, and what's wrong with that?

I thought I saw death standing stalwart
in the doorway
I thought I heard, "She has almost no pulse"
And then, in an instant, darkness came
and everything vanished
But the next morning there was the sun,
the morning paper
And the verge of something I've never understood.

I bow and I kneel, my two hands clasped
and tumbling pray with a beggar's determination
Don't take him, I whisper, don't take him
How can I be so fickle, and am I that contemptible?

Life is the best part of death,
and you are the best part of the dream
I never knew,
Why they didn't track you down or your grave
Though I did seek myself in you
in fissures of time
Forever asking but never finding
I was dragged asunder by the hurly-burly of the world
on my side didn't history once stand
albeit with no rifle or loudspeaker in hand

I can't believe I was writing my supposed to be last night's entry. This is the problem with me when I get so much tired almost the whole day all the plans of writing never pushed through. I've been through a monotonous routine of sleep mostly every night sometimes it just leaves me fully awake in the late midnight hours.

I'm really trying to be systematic nowadays. Very much not in a technical sense, but I'm trying not take things seriously I mean taking things as it is. Apparently, I've been successful if not I'm going to leave it plainly as it is. I'm tired everything. I'm tired of being anxious when it doesn't have to do with myself.

Now I have no choice. I'll be banned from blogging until I get a new computer. Bye for now. Hang in there! I'll write more soon about it. So sad... sad.. sad.

Unreasonable Spam Bait Filter Hooked My Lenses

All swell, but still never ends well. It never occurred to me how serious it is being faced with so many online issues, bugs, glitches, and accused of spamming on my pages. I really tried to believe in myself that I will never ever do spamming in my life.

It seems that it is found everywhere, turn in to your mail and there it delivers to you without knowing. Spam is not something edible which at first sounds like a good chunk of meat. Well, the point is it’s junk and bad to your health.

Okay, I hear you, Squid Team.

After all is said and done, it just left my brain toast in looking for some resolution. Anyway, having said that despite of these of all a sudden issues I hope to be back on writing some new stuff in the coming days. I just can’t focus right now even though I’m just here updating from here to there.

He says,

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat. -Theodore Roosevelt

Lost in the World of Grown-Up-Wannabes

I hope my absence from blogging doesn't make you alarm or anything. No, I didn’t jump off a cliff or locked up myself (almost!) in a darkened room. Calm down. I’m just exaggerating things lately.

Have you ever been attached to anything or someone in your life and you cannot let go?

Yes, most of us did. As a matter of fact, we all do. Probably, one of the easiest questions everyone can relate. It's not that I lost today my "junk car" which I had since college - doesn't mean I'll be sorry for the rest of my life. I will always remember that morning and evening class that my body almost dropped off from tiredness and that car somehow serves all the comfort I can get. I remember those errands to one building to next feels like I'm always cramming for the time not to be late on the next class. Elevators are not being good to me as well because every time I walked in first all eyes on me as if I've done something wrong. But all is well now. That's just my memories of my school days - all the gains and pains of being a student.

Well, what happen happens. Anyway, there's no use in crying over spilled milk. I just don't have any means to decide for myself right now. I never own me. I was caught in a situation where my best is not good enough. I strive to the best of my abilities and even to the degree that I forgotten that this is only where I'll ever be. No better. No worse. It's really hard to keep up in the world of grown ups - where I'm surrounded by a lot of grown-up-wannabes. Most likely if my teachers in high school as well in college would know I write for a living they will surely said I'm making up all this crap. All my apologies for not being the soundest in mind today but it doesn't mean I nearly lost my sanity! Heaven forbid. Well, one of those rough days again. I've been caught off guard along the tides of so many issues and dilemmas I dare to leave at the back of my head. If only I can brushed it off and be gone by the wind forever; it's like waking up in the morning - the feeling when you open your eyes feels like nothing ever happens from the day after tomorrow. Not until you have eaten your breakfast and everything sinks in all the matters of the day. It's feels good waking up those mornings just knowing how on earth you still blessed with the gift of life amidst all the fuzz. So far, I didn't follow a time schedule these days I live one day at a time. Pretty much making the most of it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I don't know. I just turned twenty-three this month its somehow unnecessary to mention but I guess it sucks how I am starting to take things so seriously just like grown-up-wannabes do. I don't want to be like them. But I don't have no choice. Either I'll be keeping up or be lost in this battle of everything.

Thinking of a refreshing rendezvous somewhere in a far-flung island to get my ideas back!

I can't believe myself talking nonsense the other day. There are times my oddness is extravagantly poking on me. I don't know. I felt that bugging people these days is something I'll be taking seriously from now on. Oh, well there you go again all this craziness. Sometimes, there's nothing wrong to act dumb and pretend as if everything will be alright. It doesn't matter anyway or whatsoever as long as it serves you well.

Where these being crappy come from? I don't know still. I guess, let me blamed it to a lot of possible reasons which mentioning is somehow unnecessary but I'll be getting there. This all boils to one thing: I need some sort of inspiration to come up with ideas or somehow I'm getting a lot of urge to let this "whack" get out of my head. How I'll be getting used to this kind of cycle? I'm stuck in the surface. I just can’t comprehend.

On the more positive note, I think I'm eventually surviving this blogging system. I've been working non-stop in the hope that somehow I am accomplishing without expecting something in return. For the most part, no matter how people see it. Blogging is still the saddest job in the world. Anything that relates to it denotes some sort of redundant routine. I don't know. Everyone has it own mind how you view things.

As much as possible, I really don't want to linger on something like my disability as an excuse why I shouldn't feel normal just like any able bodied person does. I'm actually feeling upbeat these days that hopefully at the end of the day there's still a silver lining as I tried to believe to.

So, therefore my writing progress is some sort of lethargic. I felt restless in a matter of minutes, hours and days for taking things in a back seat. I don’t know. I think this is getting serious. See you on the road or should I say, see you on my next topic. I still have no freaking idea!

feline encounters

Poor Macha! He can't even step down the stairs without sleeping because of overeating... hussshh.. shhh shhh:)

Aren't they said to be that cats has nine lives among all the creatures with four feet? It has no scientific basis so definitely it's a myth but I don't know if I were a cat I would probably hid myself in a box and runaway somewhere [or maybe not] whenever I had opportunity to jump off from everything as an escape to all those people madly looking for me. It's just so fascinating every time cats use all their claws and all its defenses. I can't think of any other way to write an ode about them, this is some sort of at least.

He is no Garfield because he don't like Lasagne and I am the one who like it a lot as well as Inno. Somehow, the oldest dog is very much like me in many ways. A lookout. It's not that I underestimating myself most of the time the owner and pets behave very much alike nowadays. Tsskkk! Tsssk!


"Meet the ever gorgeous Uron!" Looking UP, UP, UP and Away! No it's not a bird, it's not a plane, it's superCAT! [watching out her ever demanding suitor.. They never seems get tired of yelling in the middle of night, oh gosh..] Last but not the least, PONNIE the cat [famous in the house for having a short tail of all..] Oh, yeh! He's loving the tropical sun.. :)

year ender ramblings

Now time for some more ramblings. The whole past year of 2008 is a heck of a ride. I was trying my best come up with one word to best describe it but evidently I cannot even utter a word. I can't deny that I've been drowned with so many emotional turmoil keep on crashing me down every now and then. But as I was told with the help of divine intervention I manage to take everything in like having the toughest skin as ever. Who am I to say that I would still be here, living the best days of my life.

Speaking of goals, I've never been a believer of goals lately as well as promises. I don't know why I have said that. After all these years having to laid out the lists of the things I should have, could have and would have to do; it just makes me a little disappointed because no matter what I do things never goes out on my way. Call me anything as the worst-person-in-the-world being so pessimistic at times. But it's just the way it is. No better and no worse.

Pretty much I've been living the life less traveled by so many people my age. I'm on my early twenties but it feels like I'd already live a lifetime. So many issues in my health, myself and family come along the way which I can't believe another year has passed, still the raining doesn't stop. When it will stop? Who knows?

Anyway, despite having said that I'm forever be grateful to what I call my life's gains and pains. This is what makes me go on everyday. It spiced up the redundant same routine which I was born to live through, I guess. I don't know. There are still so many things I really love to do, more friendships to cultivate, more experiences to write, more lenses to accomplish, more inspiring thoughts to think about, and more blessings to count.

Life is not knowing having to change but making the most of it. Delicious ambiguity!