In waiting it takes a lot of PAIN...

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it. - (says Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy)

Everything happens so fast, I just can't believe I'm finally at home sitting here in bed and still vulnerable in pain. I'm glad that all the errands of the day are past. All I'm up for right now is to wait and anticipate that sooner these things will be over. To me, it has always been another journey of a never ending battles towards life in either way you chose to be.

I'm doing alright and the problem with taking two kinds of (painkillers & antibiotics) meds three times a day it mostly can put you to sleep. I don't know to some cases but I do. Waking up this afternoon is really a big deal. I hate being back again to these stage again when it seems like I had my first operation where I had to start from scratch. But the good thing is that the right leg is the only operated part which is something to be thankful for, meaning one is enough.

I don't know how to gather all my thoughts lately. When I arrived last Sunday afternoon, I was thinking of writing some blogs so that I can still remembered all the things I have to say and there I never made it. I actually don't have any idea on what was waiting for us in the hospital visit last time but I know this is what I'm anticipating for. I was there almost half hour of the day and we did nothing but to wait. I waited for my X-rays, waited to be scaled because I haven’t scaled for almost two years now, waited to get the needle to my veins for IV fluids (nahirapan ang mga nurse kasi hindi daw makita ugat ko sa kamay, natatakpan daw ng taba).. What else? I was watching my mom sitting at the corner of the x-ray room and I was a mile inch away from her I was somewhat giggly told her, Look, Ma… We made it again and three times in a row pa… It’s just one of those stares that I will treasure the most ‘coz we just know what we are feeling even in just staring with our eyes. I haven’t told her that yet. I don’t know…

At the same as I am writing this entry, I can still recall those two years ago which is the exact time of the year when I've gone through my second surgery that leaves me in a total bum for a couple of months. In those months, I learned to enjoy every single day without leaving my solitary confinement, from time to time the friendly visits and since I became a college drop-out at that time I just thought to find a way where I can be heard through writing which is I finally achieved that in blogging my thoughts and that is how I found my spiritual family and friends. Who would have thought that was two years ago? Yeah, when I came to think of it I have waited for almost two years for another medication which is I know would be much physically and financially exhausting.

I don’t know I just missed going to that sober place again contrast to what some people said that it was a scary place. But to me I had grown up going in hospitals which it became a playground to me, very much like a mall or a hotel where I can rest all my worries behind even for just a day. Who said its great place to be? Nobody wants to be hospitalized every now and then?! Well, I have no choice…

When it comes to the nature of my disease is still unknown to many and even the people in the medical field. . It is called "Idiopathic Osteolysis Carpotarsal" which I am diagnosed when I was still a kid which is mainly the reason why it deprived me from doing things I truly loved and enjoyed most like mostly any other kids in my age. Sometimes, I’m getting tired of explaining things when people often see me as naïve and instead of 22 year old I felt that they are treating me like was just 12. All I know is that I have to be checked, observed, and treated once in a while or after every year to see cases if there's some deformities progressing.

That deprivation often leads me to have that a little attitude of crankiness which I really hate to be at all times. I'm actually a very much an active person who don't actually settle in a day without doing something and I myself don't want to be a total bum.

For most of the time, I’m guilty of comparing myself and not having to settle with the thing I can only do and I must say that it hurts me watching other people go on with their lives as if anything is possible.

Having said that I could now accept with all my heart that maybe the cure is not totally can lies on the things that we can see, or what we can felt. It must be the kind of healing that must be inside of us no matter what life has treated us at least to say to ourselves this is what I am settled at the end of the day.

Plus, the hope of that there’s a life better than this. A real life that each and everyone fully deserved to enjoy and live to the fullest of our abilities. I know it will be someday soon…Somehow, you will find me waiting still..

Just In Time

"Tick, tock says the clock"

It's almost past over 12 midnight yet still I can't find that eagerness to sleep or just to close my eyes off into the dream land. My mind had always been preoccupied by so many things going on in my life within these past couple of months. For so many time I really tried at least to assured myself that hopefully everything will be alright. I'm done with all the emotional ride that I've been to that is maybe the reason why I'm still here and at the same time I felt that unconditional love coming from Jehovah though at times I have a lot of shortcomings and to put it bluntly spiritually I was carried by the emotional bumpy ride going on and still going on with the set up of my family. To some people that I know it seems that I used to isolate myself for a couple of times lately which I don't really intent to in the first place. I was never away though it seems that I am I was just taking some time off with everything and holding on to the faith that can never take that away from me.

I am praying for almost every day and every night to Jehovah for the guidance, protection and wisdom not just for myself most especially loved ones too in this crucial times. But be rest assured that I am doing okay and everything still under control in my own perspective. I was supposed to be resting in bed much earlier like what I said to be prepared for my surgery again tomorrow (hoping that this is gonna be the last time, I don't know.) which I never thought will have to be this far. With so many things that going on in the last few days, last few months I am just thankful that my Mom is still the strong woman as she is ever since she had went through a lot of hardships in her marriage. Now I am learning and still learning to understand her everyday on how hard it is she was going through in finding herself worth again and if ever it could be against my will. I know that she know that I love her with all my heart because she has been the best mom in the world. I just want the best for her and not to ruined her personal growth.

...and now she's still again with me in these never ending struggles and battles that I have to go through as a person and as a daughter that is why I feel so blessed that Jehovah made her to be strong for her to be guiding light at times when I feel so weak. I do understand that she has a lot mistakes, bad decisions and shortcomings too but still she chooses me to be part of her plans even though I'm the biggest burden upon her shoulders even though I know it wasn't it that for her. Just recently we always argue on something you know me as being the chronic worrier I'm always after for some clarification and letting her know the outcome like an eldest daughter who-knows-it-all in some instances. Oftentimes, I'm sort of a debater in the family who never wants to lose. Well, it's me and all the crankiness getting over my head. Sorry! Just kidding. She used to told me all her plans for me and my sisters that is so wonderful to hear. I'm just praying for it to work out accordingly and somehow still the wisdom coming from Jehovah must always prevail in every decision she will make if ever one day.

Tomorrow we will be leaving on or before 9am PST. Here you again this a little feeling of uncertainty what if I'll be back to zero again. Well, maybe I'm becoming too emotional which leads me to this chronic anxieties from time to time. I guess, this surgery is very much different now. No, I will not get back to zero again because MD will just removed the surgical steel bars that was in me for so many moons now. It doesn't hurt that much. I totally don't feel any excruciating pain anymore unlike before. I can feel a little numbness and shaky each time but the good thing is that I can walk slowly now. I think I already had adjusted and somehow I gained much strength compare to the 1st and 2nd operation a few years back which I totally started from scratch after 5 or more years being tied up into this chair. This time it will be much different now hopefully. The thing is that I can't really feel an ounce of sleepy-ness in my system and I was just having all my time when I can because tomorrow I have no choice I will be having much rest in bed and can't come online. I just feel so chill getting away my head for so much worrying now.

It will be okay soon. I hope that you will not get tired of me and I have a lot and lots of catching up to do in each and everyone of you. I do miss you all a LOT! and if my voice can be heard from this monitor screen I just wished it came across out to all of you. I will be writing letters soon. Well, a broken promise that I did I'm really sorry. I just didn't mean to keep you hanging. Awww! It does make me a little sad now thinking each and everyone of YOU! I will do my best to get some pictures for you to see my beautiful face, just kidding! I'm really trying to be more upbeat now and when there's no reason to be sometimes. I think I better get off my hands now from typing and shut my big mouth! I just hope I can stand a day without checking my mail or even writing some more blogs and even updating Squidoo lenses. I very much had a routine life and lately I realized it's really hard typing when your head is in between two heavy pillows! I think I'm having a stiff neck!

That's all for now!

Thank you everyone for all the love, encouragement, and support that keeps me grounded in all these times!

(Do I have to mention names? You know all who you are!!!)